Upon finding out that I am a queer mama, there are a number of common responses I encounter. As I don’t have a sign advertising my “queerness” and veer towards the girly side of things (thus screwing up peole’s weird ideas of what a queer girl should look like), I often come out after inquiries about my husband. (Because every woman with children clearly must have one of those, right?! That’s a whole ‘nother rant altogether.) This happens on a daily basis, from anyone to store clerks to other parents and caregivers at playgrounds.
Having kids makes you come out A LOT! I cannot lie – I get sick of coming out all of the time. It’s inconvenient and anxiety-producing and awkward and taps into my own internalized crap. Not to mention that having to be the “educator” all of the time gets old pretty damn quick. But I owe it to my kids to be out and unashamed, so I try my best. (Some days are better than others).
I’ve encountered a number of reactions to my coming out…
Of course, there have been positive responses, these are the folks I’ve snapped up as friends, because, for this and many other reasons, they are marvelous human beings. Once, a stranger apologized for having assumed that I was straight. Her, I wanted to hug (after almost keeling over from shock and surprise!)
But more often, I get the “embarrassed silence then edge slowly away” response. Sometimes I get a dumb struck and/or confused look (um, but you have babies!) and sometimes they pretend I didn’t say anything at all.
And then there are the doozies…
1. I hate, hate, hate it when people I’ve just met at the park or the supermarket or some playgroup pretend to be cool when taking in the news of my queerness, and then lean in conspiratorially (to further demonstrate their smooth and laid-back acceptance of my queerness, naturally,) and whisper “Do you mind if I ask, you know, how you did it?” This is really, really, really common. It’s also really, really obnoxious.
Queer parenting decisions: choosing a known sperm donor
Queer families have many questions to consider when planing a family: adopt or conceive? Who will carry? Should we choose someone we know to donate... Read more
The thing is, they always seem to be wanting something salacious – like hearing that I went out and found 10 sailors for a mad-wanton-porn-star-lesbot-babymaking session. Nope. No sailors. (Poor, poor, lonely, lesbian-less sailors). Just me, L., a nurse, a speculum, and a teeny weeny vial of 3168.
2. What do you know about the dad?/What about the dad?/Don’t you think kids need a dad? or some variation of the above.
Yikes. First or all, my kids don’t have a dad. My kids have a donor. Some anonymous guy who spoofed in a cup so people like me and people struggling with infertility could have babies. I love you 3168, wherever you are, for spoofing in a cup for us, whatever your reasons. But spoofing in a cup does not a dad make. Dads are people who are involved in their kids’ lives – who read stories change diapers and play soccer and get barfed on, and so on and so forth.
I think kids have really basic needs. They need love and encouragement and good role models. (I do sometimes worry about my kids’ lack of male role models – but we’re working on that, and that’s an issue for another blog!). I think kids need folks who are engaged and involved in their lives. Peole who worry about them, who listen to them. This, my kids have in spades.
3. Do you think that’s fair to your kids to have two moms? I mean, kids are cruel. Aren’t you worried about bullying/teasing/other forms of social trauma befalling your kids?
Yes, yup, uh-huh. You bet I’m worried about those things! All of the time. But do I think being born to two moms who love and nurture them is unfair to my kids? For real? I think what is really unfair to my children is that we live in a world where it’s still okay to bandy about homophobic bullshit without even having the grace to be even a little bit embarassed about it. Sheesh.
4. It must be hard not to be able to “make a kid out of your love” or something to this effect.
First of all, most kids aren’t made out of love, they’re made out of sex. Whether or not that meeting of egg and sperm is an expression of their parent’s love is, I’m guessing, a case by case kinda thing.
And second of all… my partner and I tried to get pregnant with our son for over two years. TWO YEARS! Two years of incredible highs of hope and devastating lows of disappointment. We laughed together and cried together. My partner held my hand at every appointment and ran home from work on more than one occasion because I called her crying when I got my period. Again. When we finally got those two red lines on the pee stick, after two years of living on a roller coaster, we cried and laughed and danced and sat together in shock and disbelief and elation. My daughter was conceived at the same clinic, with my partner holding my hand and my 1 1/2 year old son sitting on my belly, squishing my face and sticking his fingers up my nose. And if that isn’t being conceived as a part of our love, then I don’t know what is.
5. The absolute worst, though, is when we are out as a family and get “Which one of you is the mom?” We inevitably explain that we are BOTH our children’s moms. Then, almost without fail, we are asked, “yeah, but which one of you is their “real” mom?”
This is so asinine, and so hurtful to non-biological parents. Neither carrying a child to term, nor giving birth makes someone a mom, just like spoofing in a cup doesn’t make someone a dad. Coming through, being there, taking those highs and lows, doing the hard work, holding that sick baby through the night, or comforting that tantruming kid whose body is both wracked with sobs and kicking you, being a disciplinarian, a teacher, a cook, a playmate … that’s what makes you a parent. My wife is the most amazing parent. She is patient and gentle and devoted to both of our children.
I’ve worked in the social services long enough to know that biology is not what makes you a parent. Biology doesn’t mean shit. Being a parent — that, you have to earn.
Pshfff people actually care about the sex/gender of parents? I'd rather see two loving people (or one kick-ass single parent) raising a child than two miserable people !
Plus there are plenty of ways to get good roll models of the opposite gender if you are in a single gender family, big brothers organization, uncle, trusted friend, grandpa etc.
I will say one thing; sometimes people are trying to be inclusive when they mention dad. I once almost put my foot in my mouth discussing an adorable baby with a mom. She mentioned someone gave her a hard time about one of her parenting choices. One person said, that's true, it's up to the mom.
I piped up and dads and then quickly, or other caregivers/adults. I only said and dads because guys get a bad wrap as somehow lesser parents, not because I am/was against LGBTQ parents. Because I am FOR ALL FAMILIES.
So while, it may drive you crazy to have to explain, sometimes people really aren't being nosey or judgemental 🙂
thanks for the post. . . i had never thought about this, and I can see where I would end up being completely embarassed assuming someone was straight when they are not . . . I would like to think that most people asking the first quesiton "how did you do it" are just very curious and spoke before they had time to think about what they were actually asking, in which case I might respond "just as any other infertile couple would" or something like that and leave it at that.
It's also a good reminder when talking to your own kids that families come in all shapes/sizes/etc/etc
Great post! I am the daughter of a lesbian who was previously married and came out after my siblings and I were born, so the question I get most frequently, when people find out that not only is my mom gay but she has 4 kids, is "But how, if your mom is gay?" as if being gay means you don't have a reproductive system or something?!
I 100% get you. Same situation, same stupid question.
AH, thanks for this. My wife and I are starting to normalize the whole kids thing for our friends and family (meaning that I talk about a future with children in it a lot, and openly plan things that I'd like to do before I get pregnant and such). So far the question we keep getting, in response to my answer that we'd ask my brother-in-law to be the donor is, 'so, are you going to sleep with him?' Usually followed up by a charming, 'ok, do it your way, but I think that way is much more fun.' -shudder- It's nice to see that there are more of us out there, and get a glimpse of what's coming so we can get ourselves prepared before the babies start showing up.
Gross! I can't believe people would actually suggest sleeping with your brother in law as a 'more fun' option. That's pretty creepy.
Great post and I love the way you answer the common reactions you get – it's also great to know that you have come across people who are genuinely supportive. I particularly liked your response to "conceived in love" – that is beautiful. Thanks for sharing and best wishes!
I always get really, really annoyed with the no father, male role model, etc. bullshit. I don't have a father. There's a guy out there who was married to my mom and had sex with her and beat the shit out of us and worked really hard to forget we existed after the divorced. How is that situation more ideal than having two wonderful, loving, moms or dads? Furthermore, I know a TON of kids raised by single mothers, several raised by single fathers, lots raised by grandparents, and even a bunch raised by aunts and uncles. I know kids who have lost parents at a young age and a not so young age. I know people who are estranged from one parent or another. I know people who have no idea who their biological relatives are.
Family doesn't come from two straight people getting married.
It is so clear to me, that this world is full of fucked up families and broken homes and EVERYONE knows someone who is divorced or whatever, so why is it such a big fucking deal that two moms or dads went and got a baby?
I am just appalled and disgusted by the absolute ignorance surrounding gay parenthood and I fail to see how it is any different or more or less damaging than any other form of parenthood.
Thank you sooooo much for sharing this. My partner and I are planning on having kids sometime in the near future and I appreciate the heads up regarding some of the ignorant questions we will likely get. It sounds like you are a great mama! Thanks for sharing your witty responses with the rest of us queer parents (or soon to be parents).
I do want to point out that straight couples get a lot of this crap, too. Pregnant with twins? The first question is "Are they NATURAL?"
I don't know if this is a queer issues so much as it's an issue that anyone who makes a choice that isn't "popular" with mainstream society seems to be "fair game" for rude questions and hurtful comments. This is not to take away from the pain that it causes you, your wife, and family, just to say that I think it's a universal inequity of humanity. Dare to be different; pay the price.
This is a fantastic post. Thank you so much!
Here from Kirtsy/LFCA. This is a wonderful post! Your son and daughter are lucky to have such wonderful mommies as parents!
Oh, my – WHAT AN AMAZING POST!!
So glad you exist and you are able to share with us such meaningful thoughts and words!! Made me realize that I sometimes probably wrongly assume things (your comment before #1 on assuming you have a husband – which is idiotic of me b/c I have gay friends and single parent friends by choice). BUT I guarantee you that I'd be the one apologizing for making that assumption and you would want to hug me 🙂
My daughter is friends with a girl with two moms, and even though I've known them for almost a year now, I wouldn't dream of saying these things! I know which one carried their daughter (becasue she told me once in casual conversation – I didn't ask) but they're BOTH her mom and the news as to which one carried her is irrelevant. I don't know how they got pregnant because IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS and I don't ask. If they want to offer that info, great, but I can live the rest of my life not knowing. It's also irrelevant. And if kids ever do make fun of this girl for having two mothers, that's going to say a lot more about their parents than it is about them. I just have to wonder, who are these people saying this stuff? Do they think that since you're a lesbian, common decency and manners can just fly out the window? I'm sorry, people really irritate me sometimes…Best wishes to your family, and I hope that you don't keep having to explain yourself for having a loving family.
Thanks for the post. I'm the daughter of a queer mama, and the kinds of questions we got were different, mostly because we were not out in our community. But to this day, when I tell people about my mom, they ask the strangest questions. "Do you have a dad? etc" It's nice to hear about other queer families and how they negotiate the murky waters of parenting in predominantly straight surroundings.
I'm a queer and pregnant, and your post made me cry. I'm not sure if it's from hormones or because it's so eloquently written.
.
.
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probably both. 🙂
Congratulations! (and thanks 🙂
Great post! Here from LFCA. We have been TTC for over two years and I hope that when we get pregnant and have a kidlet I will be more able to deal with people after reading this post. I hate that it makes us come out all the time, but doing it for ourselves and the kids makes it imperative.
And when someone asks you how you "did it" – you should turn around and ask them the same question? I will if I get the chance. e.g."so how did you do it?…uh huh, uh huh – you mean people still do it the old fashioned way. Wow, weird!" now I'm just being bitchy!!!!
Awesome post. I understand curiosity, but damn, people are rude! I'm a single mom by choice via donor embryo. And I'm in my mid 40s. While pregnant I had total strangers ask if it was an "oops" pregnancy or if I'd had an amnio. (I got a look of horror from the L&D nurse doing intake when, in response to her question, I said I hadn't had an amnio.) In general though, I think living in NYC makes all this easier. I'm not even the only SMC in my office.
And, HELL YES, my child was made with love.
How nosy the general public can be is just baffling.
I do have to say one thing, though. Paternity/maternity is often very important when determining a child's risk for certain diseases…since genetic testing isn't always required for sperm/egg donors, there are rare cases when that can be hugely harmful to the child. Even knowing risk factors for certain heritable cancers and mental disorders can be helpful when your kid is sick sick sick and you don't know if he'll ever get better, and no one knows what's happening.
That said, that pretty much only excuses doctors to ask who the birth mother is. :p Personally, I don't care if a kid is raised by a pack of raccoons so long as they're healthy and not mal-adjusted brats.
I thought Edmonton was red-necky until I moved from there to Fort St. John, BC. Oh boy! I had to explain the difference between lesbian and bisexual to my co-workers yesterday.
Great post! I don't know why people think that pregnancy/kids is an excuse for rude prying questions.
please someone get this woman a blog that we can all read regularly! it'd be GREAT to hear what she has to say. While I lead a rather "normal" life, I understand your daily explanations to other parents that stare at me because I have tattoos, or because the man spending amazing time with my daughter is not her father, or because when we really get into personal mode, I explain that I"ve been with women or that I'd be fully accepting of how my daughter would chose to live her life (be it safe and sound and yadda yadda…) so I commend you for going through this daily routine of standing tall and proud for yourself and your children. I'm sure if it doesn't already, when they're old enough to understand, it'll mean the world to them
Funny you should mention that — I've asked Natasha to be a regular contributor to OBM! Be watching for more of her posts in future weeks. 🙂
Ariel, what is TTC? I have see it a few times throughout this thread and for the life of me can’t guess this one!
Hey, TTC=Trying To Conceive. 🙂
In related news, COMING THIS WEEK: My screed on why I hate parenting acronyms.
That was an awesome post to read!
As a young women brought up in a very open minded accepting family I struggled for along time with the decision to settle down with a man or a women, in the end it was easy. I married my best friend, who happened to have a penis 🙂
We aren't your 'average' married couple with kids. As alternative parents we have faced our fair share of judgments. Our reason for having a child has come in question a few times. We pierced our daughters ears when she was 2mnths old (God forbid) by a professional, that was questioned A LOT. Our decision to home school has been even harder to defend but enough rambling. My point is that these question, whether they come from an ignorant, curious or whatever place, happen to all of us and it is refreshing to hear these experiences come from all different perspective's.
So thank you 🙂
I'm not a queer mama yet (hopefully soon!) but I'm sure I'll have to trot out my favourite reply when someone asks me an offensive and super personal question: "Wow, that was such an inappropriate thing to ask a stranger/someone you barely know/whatever. You must be really embarrassed for having asked me that!".
Usually people just catch flies for a minute or two afterwards….
As a femmie queer mom myself… Right on sistah! I can not agree with your post more. And really also highlighting those fabulous straight folks who are not totally creeped out or creepy that we too snatch up as friends t make our family great!
I’m recently married to a dude and you brought tears to my eyes. If we were ever to meet I would hope you would give me a hug.
I HAVE TWO-DADDIES!!
I actually grew up with my mom after my parents split. My dad wasnt around when I was really little but started to be around more when I was in middle school. Thats when he got with his partner (who I just call by his first name – just like I call my moms long-term boyfriend by his first name). I think that even if I grew up living with my dads I would be just as fine as I am now. I was never ashamed or anything about my openly gay dad. I actually remember when my mom told me, she was crying and I was just like “yea so…” (I was in the 5th grade – I think she was just afraid to tell me, plus there was more to the story I wont go into). My husband says I have 1mom and 3dads (2&4 if you cant inlaws). I have 16month old twins… so they havent started saying “grandma/grandpa” yet really. But I have a 4yr old nephew that calls my dad “grandpa” (even though my sister isnt his kid, but her father is a loser). he also calls my moms bf “grandpa” and usually calls my dads partner “grandpa as well. Sometimes though he calls him “grandpa-ma” I said it as a joke one day just because he is even girlier than me, use to do drag, and use to say that he was the best step-mom ever… so I asked if he wanted my nephew to call him grandpa or grandma – but we have that relationship so I can say that…. no stranger should say anything like that.. or ask something about that.
Some stuff people say makes me so upset. I even had someone tell me that they have nothing against gay couple etc. but they dont want them to be able to adopt children… OMG! SERIOUS?! I wont really get into that now, but I would rather have 2same sex parents that love me than none.
This was so wonderful to read. I feel like you should go on tour. Thank you for sharing!