We got this question about neat freaks and pack rats, and it seems like almost every couple has this problem. Are you the packrat, or the one quick to chuck stuff? What suggestions do you have for negotiating different organizational philosophies? – Cat
My husband and I probably argue most frequently about my penchant for throwing stuff out.
I hate clutter. If a thing has no use, no purpose, no reason for being, I want to get rid of it. I don’t like souvenirs or knick-knacks or tchotchkes. I like tidiness.
It’s deeply satisfying to declutter. I feel a physical lightness after organizing a space. When I look around at a tidied room, it lifts my mood.
But my husband likes to keep things “just in case.” He keeps golf clubs — even though he hasn’t golfed in the three years we’ve been together — and half-used college notebooks. I can totally understand why he keeps that stuff. He did enjoy golfing occasionally at one time, and the notebooks still have lots of usable blank pages.
I try to be sensitive. He worries when I clean out a drawer that I’ll throw out something important. When he looks at his closet, he sees clothes he might wear at the right occasion — not clothes he never wears.
So I don’t push my cleaning ways on him, and I don’t resent that his stuff takes up more of the closet space than mine. I really try to have him look through the boxes before they go to Goodwill, and the piles of paper before they hit the recycling bin. But this is a difficult adjustment for both of us.
How can I deal with this difference in styles?
I struggle with this internally more than with my fiancée. On one side, my instinct, “I can use this eventually, the second I throw it out I’ll need it! (or) It has all the best memories ever attached!” and my philosophy on Stuff, “Objects require action, the more Stuff you have the less time and head space. The less you have the richer you become.” The best thing I’ve ever learned is to go digital and save pictures of the things you only own for memories. Combined with getting rid of anything you haven’t used in more than a year, I do okay.
My husband and I have the same problem, with the added wrinkle that he’s been diagnosed with several anxiety disorders. He has a huge problem with questions and decisions, particularly anything irreversible. So “do you want this?” is a recipe for a panic attack. Of course, so is clutter. It’s a constant balancing act. The best solution we’ve come up with so far is to do our tidying in tiny bits, one or two items on a good day and then stop. This is complicated by the fact that his parents are trying to reduce their own clutter and keep giving us stuff, which we then have to sort. At this rate, we will have all the clutter out of here sometime next century.
At the risk of repeating things that have already been said, but I am the anal retentive super clean freak and my significant other is the pack rat. It’s not necessarily a point of contention in our relationship, since he is awesome and super accommodating of my undying need for order, but I do admit that his magpie tendencies do bother me from time to time.
Our solution? A massive spring clean. We take a weekend and go through EVERYTHING, which thankfully isn’t too much since the man friend is still in college and we move every year. I get the satisfaction of getting rid of the clutter, and it’s a bonding/nostalgic event that lets us revisit some of the things that do hold onto. We go through mini cleans once-in-a-while (Do you really need this 5 pt quiz from a semester ago?!) and I make sure to never throw out or move any of his things without first asking him. It’s worked well so far.
Make some House Rules, like:
*If it wasn’t worn/used in a year, it’s gone (barring specialty items like ski gear or one of a kind/vintage. Those get more time.)
*Bring one item in, get rid of one (donate, sell, gift, or toss.) They don’t have to be the same thing, it’s about volume and practicing letting go.
*If you planned to sell it but haven’t in 6 months, it gets donated and you make the write-off value $.
*Be kind to each other, but don’t disrespect each other/your living space with a mess.
*State your needs in a calm and neutral manner (“It’s been 6 months since we did a major clean, are you willing to get rid of some stuff soon?)
Purging and Partying:
*Have multi-household yard sales and turn it into an all day party. Houses get purged, there’s hang out time, and everyone makes money.
*Reward yourselves by selling a bunch of unused clothes or items and then buying ONE new one. Buffalo Exchange is good since about 10 items gets you only about $25 of credit. Ebay is also great.
Purging Session Tips:
*On a day when both of you are neutral, plan out a time and a day to purge house. Make sure to set a goal/timeline and show up for it.
*As on Hoarders, a TRASH RECYCLE DONATE SELL KEEP box or bag row keeps things moving, since it’s not the actual act of TOSSING yet.
*If one of you starts to freak out, quit and pick up the next weekend, or the next day, or in a few hours.
The Purging Poll:
The lucky sweater you studied in for finals haunts your small closet 5 years later. Ask yourself:
-Why are you attached to/keeping this?
-Is it a unique item or one of several?
-Is it worth the space you need to give up in order to keep it?
-Have I outgrown this item physically or emotionally?
-Is it causing a rift between housemates or crowding you often?
If it’s really hard to ditch, put several of these in a black, sealed trash bag and let it sit for a few weeks. If you don’t miss it or can’t remember what’s in it, get rid of it.
When something is very meaningful but you never use it (ugly hat knitted by your late Grammy?) consider displaying it in a case, getting it shadowboxed, or professionally photographed and framed and then donating it or gifting it to a younger family member/friend.
I have hired a professional organizer to help with the clutter in my house. I highly recommend it! She takes the stuff straight to Goodwill (closes the loop for us) so we don’t have to make the trip. She also has ideas I would never think of on my own, and forces me to spend a few hours on organizing every other week.
When my fiancé moved in (I was 37 and he was 40), we had two households full of stuff. My grandmother had just passed away, and I had to empty out her house so we could sell it, meaning I brought even more stuff home. But there is a finite amount of space, and we need to live in that space and not just have it all as storage.
It’s hard to go through everything and decide what is worth keeping, and what can go. But letting things go IS liberating. Ultimately, as my fiancé and I want to have children, we need to empty the extra bedrooms from craft supplies, grandma’s old vintage clothes, and 10 bookcases of books. I would rather have a working bedroom for my future kids than storage for 200 pairs of shoes.
I have the same problem too! lol, We seat down and talk together the things we need and don’t need! Clutter free and garbage free!
Mika
Same thing in my household! I’ve tried to compromise by giving him ONE drawer or box where he can throw ANYTHING he wants into it. Like someone else said, anything left in the open is fair game. I literally cannot STAND to live in clutter. I also find it deeply satisfying to declutter, clean and organize.
My husband is a hoarder (pack rat), his parents are the same and often they try and pass things onto us. I’ve started saying no now, space in our house is limited, we don’t really have storage space except spare rooms. It drives me mad seeing them being used like that, but I guess since living with my husband, I’ve relaxed a little. We’ve Compromised, met somewhere in the middle, I’ve asked him to have a sort out, and yeah its taken nearly 3 years but he’s slowly doing it. I wouldn’t dare touch his stuff from before we met, but I do have a say on the things he buys and keeps since we’ve been living together. We sort of have a discussions when he buys things, I won’t stop him from buying them, but I usually ask, do we need it? Will it be used often? Is it worth the money?. I think what drives him now, to make small clearances, is that soon we want to try for a baby, but currently we do not have a room for a nursery. So he has motivation and reason I guess to question what he already owns and what he wants to buy and that’s all I ask of him.