How to build a Festivus Pole: 6′ tall, aluminum, unadorned

FESTIVUS IS THIS WEEKEND! It’s my household’s most-anticipated party of the year. We drink mulled wine, air our grievances with each other, perform feats of strength, eat donuts, and then all guests must wrestle my husband before they may leave. It all happens in the cold aura of the Festivus Pole.

This is how you build a pole. The right way. All these supplies are available at your local hardware store — and they’ll be cheaper than Amazon, so use this list for familiarity or the odd bit you can’t find in town.

Gather your tools

• Wooden plaque
• White spray primer
• A screwdriver or power drill
• One aluminum (preferably) or chrome shower rod kit with flanges
• Epoxy: I’m a big fan of Locktite epoxy putty

1. Prepare a space for spray painting, and prime your plaque. It’s best to apply a few light coats of primer; I shoot for three. Allow it to dry thoroughly — at least an hour.
2. Center one flange on the plaque — eyeballing it is probably fine, unless you’re really awful at estimation. Drive screws through flange and into the plaque.
3. Cut a generous hunk off your epoxy stick and knead it to activate. Tuck it inside the opening of the flange and insert shower rod.
4. Create a precarious system to keep the pole perpendicular as it dries — for about 24 hours.
5. CELEBRATE. Brag. Beat your chest. You have accomplished a task, and no one can be disappointed in you THIS Festivus!