An Offbeat Auntie’s perspective: 5 maybe-obvious things I’ve learned about kids

Guest post by Ollie

Funny Face With Orange Soda
By: Eden, Janine and JimCC BY 2.0
I would like to start off by saying that I have no idea what it’s like to be a mom (yet). I have no idea what 24 hours a day, 7 days a week responsibility for an ornery, screaming, time-demanding tiny human is like. All I’m saying is that becoming an aunt has given 10 times more insight into it. I also got lucky with the BEST niece and nephew ever — not every kid is as cool as them. Historically, maybe this is how everyone learned about parenting… but it’s all new to me! Here’s what I’ve learned:

Kids are way smarter than you give them credit for

I took my niece out for lunch but the indoor playground was grody, so I told her it was broken to avoid a cry fest. Then I offered to take her to a nicer outdoor playground and she looked me straight in the eye and said “Isn’t it broken, too?” Zing, you got me, kid. I’ve always been one of those people that thought kids were stupid until they are, like, 10? I’m wrong, lesson learned. She’s two years old.

They are master manipulators

… and I consider myself quite the weasel! I get out of doing the dishes, cleaning around the house, getting my meals and all sorts of stuff. In retrospect it’s most likely because my partner loves me and he doesn’t care that I’m needy sometimes. All my niece has to do is bat her big brown eyes in my direction and stick her lip out for me to waver on my stance. I thought kids were pushovers — I was also wrong on that. The score is now Kids: 2, Ollie: 1 for those playing at home.

Kids actually DO say the darndest things

That show, and “zany high-strung hilarious” shows like it are flat and stupid. I find gross-out humor just gross and physical humor dumb. But kids are like honest little observational comedians. They should have them perform in nightclubs, it would be a riot. My niece is the only one that talks right now (my nephew is only six months old) but he is funny, too. He furrows his tiny brow until you make enough silly faces to please him and then breaks out in the biggest toothless grin you’ve ever witnessed. Like we are only the court jesters in his life.

They are exhausting

Kids, after about 20 minutes, lose their cute lustre. You start resenting them in your head. But then they do a cute fun thing right after they threw up on your favorite jeans and you laugh even though you don’t mean to. They still drain the life right of you, though. No wonder women without kids tend to look 10 years younger than those who have. Children are like the anti-botox.

And last but not least: Strangely, my baby fever has only increased since meeting them

I thought it would lessen the more I hung out with them. I actually purposefully took a TODDLER to IKEA at NOON because I thought it would lessen the urge. It didn’t. I got annoyed with her weird need for me to hold her at all times until we got to the car, then she fell asleep with a lollipop in her mouth and it made it worth it. I guess that’s the thing about kids: there must be something about them that makes you want to have a few of your own no matter what awful things they do to you… because the human race would just cease to exist if not.

I love the kiddos in my life and I can’t wait to become a mom myself one day!

Comments on An Offbeat Auntie’s perspective: 5 maybe-obvious things I’ve learned about kids

  1. As exhausting as kids are, I agree about them making up for it in cute, funny things. Even infants are pretty funny. Seriously, my son audibly farted all day long as an infant. It was hilarious. At 10 months old now, I have to keep myself from laughing every time I’m putting him to bed and he blows raspberries as he falls asleep.

    • Yes, botox is about paralyzing the face to stop emotions from affecting you. Kids are about feeling them.

      • I hope this does not imply that people who don’t have kids do not feel emotions. We do (oh boy, do we), only differently.

  2. I agree with the baby fever. My toddler can drive me to tears, but then as I put him to bed, I really just want to have another infant.

    Now I just wish that I could have some nieces or nephews to shower affection on (and then leave with their parents).

  3. All things I’m learning as a first time parent! It’s astounding to see the world through the eyes of a child- at least as that child expresses it to you. When my daughter started picking up sign language, I had a moment of “oh shit, she’s been paying attention to EVERYTHING we’ve been doing and saying around her… that can’t be good.” Also, kids release oxytocin… which certainly helps them when they release all the flour from the bag into the kitchen 🙂

  4. Yeah, yesterday we went to a winter amusement park with our toddler. Between the drudgery of getting him in and out of the cumbersome snow suit over and over, trying to prevent him from staining every piece of clothes we brought, stopping him from breaking his neck climbing everything, annoying other people (and getting even more dirty) by crawling under their chairs, negociating sharing sweets with his friends, poopy diaper changes JUST as we finished dressing him up again – I was EXHAUSTED. Sometimes in moments like these I wonder what the heck I was thinking when I wanted kids.

    Then when putting him to bed he grabbed my face, stared straight into my eyes, said ‘lots kisses’ and showered me with kisses and hugs, giggling, for a good 5 minutes.

    Yeah, without those moments we would have certainly gone extinct.

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