And then I met the man who would one day become my husband. And then I met his parents. And now hoarding is a very real and stressful part of my life.
My husband, A, is not a hoarder. He admits it would have been very easy to have gone down that path, as collecting and storing and hoarding was the norm in his childhood. He’s in a sort of recovery mode — he has hoarding tendencies, but nothing that would warrant a therapist, home organizer, or public-health intervention. But hoarding affects our lives, day in and day out. Here are some of the challenges, and how we cope with them:
1. Be patient but firm about giving things away.
When I first met A, he had over sixty t-shirts. I would guess maybe five or six of them actually fit, and only three of those looked good. I tried to convince him that he didn’t really need sixty t-shirts, that maybe a two-week supply was a better idea. Getting him to part with the extras was an extremely slow process — it took the better part of a year to whittle his collection down to size. The same went for old text books, housewares, gifts — it didn’t matter if it wasn’t being used, or if we didn’t have the space, or if it was worn-out… “We might need it.” “It has sentimental value.” “But it was a gift.”
The switch from “keep” mode to “donate” mode has been a very long process. We would use cut-off dates (if the shirt isn’t worn in the next six months it gets donated), and small increases (this month I will donate five items, next month I will donate ten) to increase A’s comfort level with giving things away — which also helped my stress levels.
2. Get proactive about food.
Once upon a time I decided to clean out A’s fridge, and found seven jars of mayonnaise along with a packet of deli meat that had turned into a trippy swirl of turquoise and purple. A also likes to keep food odds and ends: the remaining handful of chips or cereal, that last tortilla or slice of bread. Problem is, these things tend to sit in our cupboards or refrigerator, and also lead to other issues such as mold or pests. Yuck.
Husband: pack rat. Me: neat freak. How do we learn to compromise?
SO MANY COUPLES (or roommates, or families) have the deadly combo of packrat + neat freak. When your organizational styles clash, what can you do... Read more
Learning about food spoilage and food waste has helped us to deal with this aspect of hoarding. I took over shopping and cooking once we moved in together, so I’ve been able to assume a greater deal of control in the kitchen and go by the “when in doubt, throw it out” rule, but this will depend on your personal living arrangements.
3. Have a plan for giving and receiving gifts.
My husband’s parents love to shop and can’t resist a bargain. This means that Christmas, birthdays, and other major holidays tend to get just a wee bit excessive. Meaning, come Christmas morning, it looks like an outlet store exploded in our living room. While I can appreciate the generosity, it comes with a problem: the majority of the gifts are things we do not want or need, nor do we have the storage space.
This has led us to be rather brutal when it comes to gifts: most of what comes in is passed along. We can’t tell A’s parents to stop buying for us, but they can’t tell us what we have to keep in our house. We also tend to ask for gift cards or experiences (tickets to the circus, a family museum pass) rather than stuff, but we still get the pile’o’presents to contend with come Christmas Day. I do not expect my husband’s parents to change, so the onus is on us to have a family policy for unwanted presents.
On the flip side of receiving gifts is giving gifts. What do you give a person when their house is full to bursting? Or when you find past gifts still in their original packaging, shoved in a plastic storage bin? We try to keep the gifts we give small but memorable, and have learned the hard way that handmade or heartfelt gifts are a bad idea, because they tend to get lost in the chaos. Giftcards are our other major solution, although I still worry that the card will also be lost.
4. Establish boundaries with others.
Visits to A’s childhood home are always stressful. The house makes us ill, there isn’t any privacy, the food is questionable, and then there’s the constant fear of being swallowed by stuff.
When we visit, we come prepared with medications for allergies and headaches, try to eat out as much as possible or buy our own groceries, and try to limit the amount of time we actually spend in the house. We’re also now planning on staying in a hotel, or with friends, despite the fact that this may cause a fair amount of friction between the two families. We have also had to make the rule that our daughter cannot stay for overnights due to health and safety concerns. This sucks, big time. I don’t want to keep her from her grandparents, but it’s not safe for her to stay in their house. I’m not looking forward to that particular conversation, but perhaps it will be the cause for change and a mass clean-up. I hope so.
5. The serenity prayer works!
I cannot force my in-laws to change, and neither can A. I don’t know if they will ever seek help for their problem, or if they would be willing to stop shopping, collecting, keeping, hoarding. It is their life, and their house. I do not have control over this situation. But I do have control over my own situation, over the things we prioritize and over how A and I choose to lead our lives.
Our house is our own oasis, and has its own rules. We can choose what comes into our house, and what stays in our house. We can choose to recognize when behaviours are problematic, and find ways to address issues such as storage, donations, presents, and travel. It’s not an easy task, and often leads to difficult conversations and tough decisions. We control our own lives and our own house, and while hoarding certainly affects our lives, it does not control it, and will not overwhelm us.
Here’s a tip I’ve worked out in combatting my own early signs of hoarding, for the “I might need that again one day” ask yourself (or your SO) whether they think they would know where to find it even if they DID need it again someday, and how likely it is that they’d forget they had it and just go out and buy a new one anyway.
This has helped me clear out many things.
My hubby is no hoarder (he doesn’t buy much of anything), but he REALLY dislikes getting rid of things. I am emotionally attached to a few things, but clothes, sheets, towels, kitchen gadgets, etc – don`t care – if i don’t LOVE it or use it, i can give it away, no problem.
One way I help my honey make decisions is by treating all our space as `real estate`, as in the space itself has value – like you would pay for a storage locker. Treat your closets the same way – space=cost.
Just this past weekend we cleaned out his closet and he was having a hard time giving up a pair of old ski pants that we bought used in the first place (we have not gone skiing in 5 years, and we have been that ONE time, ever. Hence the used ski pants purchase.) When I said `How much are these worth – are they worth paying storage in your closet for 5 years when that space could be holding something you use and like?` he then could easily see that no, they were not worth any sort of fee to hold onto, and into the donation bag they went.
This is a really helpful way of looking at it, thanks for the idea.
My mother is a hoarder. Growing up, it was a source of pain, humiliation and frustration.
That said, the best gifts to give to hoarders (or to request for yourself if you have trouble with “things”), are food (especially homemade goodies) and memories. Buy tickets to a concert for you and your hoarding friend to go together. Take your hoarding sister out to dinner and a comedy show. Take your hoarding in-laws with you and your partner on a whale-watching trip or a city bus tour. The hoarders will treasure the memories you make together, you get to spend time with them outside of their (sometimes unhealthy, always uncomfortable) homes, and you can keep track of the tickets and other details so nothing gets lost in the piles.
My family has hoarding tendencies, though some of us keep it in check. My husband is a minimalist, and he’s been really helpful in kindly stating what he needs and telling me when he’s stressed. What works for us: what we call “Stuff Discussions” where we go through my boxes of stuff, one at a time. No immediate decisions have to be made about keeping or giving things away, though I can if I want to. But we pick a box, and we sit down and carefully pick up each item in it and talk about its significance. It helps me that I’m able to share what it means to me, and even if I can’t let go of it right then, I can usually let go of it in a few weeks. And then my husband at least knows what is in the house and we slowly pare it down. He’s also great about regularly taking small loads to the thrift shop for us.
This is so my situation. My husband’s parents house is on the verge of this. His father loves all things old hollywood cowboy. Posters, cups, glasses, toys, anything from the era of old cowboy movies. They love antique shows and the gun and knife shows. When you walk into their house you are hit with a musty old house smell and every wall is covered with movie posters. It doesn’t help that his father is physically unable to help with cleaning and is disabled. His mother tries but can only do so much plus she still works. Hubby has hoarding tendancies. I found stuff in his fridge from over 3 years ago when we moved in together. I had gone on a cleaing binge as soon I moved in and was checking all the expiration dates. Then we sold the house which gave me a great excuse for weeding out stuff. After all we were now officially merging households and my stuff was coming out of storage so we needed room for both. Time to purge. My next task was his clothes. He wears clothes until they fall if I would let him. Now when I do laundry and I notice socks and such with holes then out they go. I let him keep a couple of old shirts and jeans for working on the car or mowing the lawn but not all. I have had to be firm or the stuff would never go. I feel badly because I don’t want him to feel like this crazy lunatic is going through and throwing everything out on him till he has nothing left but I didn’t want to end up living like his parents either. When we got married I promised him that as long as it fits in the man cave he can have it but I have made it very firm that we will not be filling up the house to the brim. Hopefully he will still love me in the end 🙂
My husband also wears clothes until they are threadbare, not just ripped or worn, but with multiple huge holes held together with only a few threads. I’ve thrown out some since we moved in together, but he still has several. He’s not particularly attached to them; I think he just doesn’t think about going out and getting new ones.
I feel for you. I had a hoarder roommate who freaked out whenever I touched anything of hers or threw out her moldy food (though she didn’t seem to have any issue with scratching the hell out of my furniture) that I finally gave up and moved out without even telling her. It wasn’t my finest hour, but it had gotten to the point where I’d have a panic attack just walking in the place. (She was also verbally abusive – another reason to get out.)
So great to read all these comments and know I am not alone in trying to figure out how to navigate this! My in-laws have borderline hoarding issues (large basement, outdoor area, and two 15 by 30 foot sheds full of stuff from floor to ceiling to the point you can’t walk and with significant rodent issues). They tend to keep the kitchen and living room presentable to guests but my husbands childhood bedroom is always completely full of their clutter. My SIL has tried to get her parents to address their stuff but they are reluctant to part with almost anything Including many broken items that haven’t been used since the 70s or early 80s “because they might be useful some day.” My husband had a discussion with them and they said that we should just hire someone to clean it up if they weren’t able to continue living at home. I don’t think they realize that the cost for this type of clean up may be upwards of 10,000. So now the debate is if we should start putting aside money to save for possible future clean up. ARG! Also, so loved hearing all of the t-shirt stories. When I first moved in, I commented on the massive quantity of clothing my husband had (over 60 t-shirts) including many items he hadn’t used in years. I think until I said something he hadn’t even realized it was strange! He ended up going through all of his clothes and taking bags to good will. Like many on here, I am really concerned about how we will navigate safety issues if we have kids. So appreciate all of the comments on this thread!
My mother I’d a hoarder. When I do have a social protocol to give her something, most of the time it’s flowers. She likes them and I KNOW she will throw them out when they die. She always say how sorry she is to me when she throws them out too. Sometimes I don’t get a pot or a vase….. cause I know she has those. I get the flowers & arrange them for her.
Thank you! I have too many clothes and my dad don’t want me to give them away (donate).
“We can’t tell A’s parents to stop buying for us, but they can’t tell us what we have to keep in our house.”
This this this!! ^^^
I know it’s been a while since this was published, but it’s nice to see that other people understand. My grandmother is a pretty severe hoarder – there are just pathways through her home like a hamster trail. She knows exactly why she does it, because she was the victim of a home invasion in the 1970s and having a hoard makes her feel like no one can get through the mess to attack her.
Every few months, I try to help her clean it up, and we’ll spend 2-4 days on it. I can literally take out 40 bags of garbage a day. I’m still finding junk mail she received in 1991 – and she has moved at least nine times since then. She has to examine every single little thing we throw away and I have to make up stories about how each thing (even the junk mail) is fulfilling its destiny at the dump.
My mom is a low-level hoarder. She manages to keep the community rooms mostly clear but always messy. She calls it “flat surface syndrome” – if there is a clear flat surface like a table or a counter, she will find a way to fill it.
It makes it hard for me to recognize messes sometimes. I sort of sway between tolerating mess and obsessively throwing things away while cleaning.