They really say just about anything: readers share their favorite kid quotes #Being Parents#big kids#lil kids#social media#toddlers April 17 | Offbeat Editors offbeatbride Wait a sec, I have something serious to say. Photo by Stephanie Kaloi. Kids are notorious for saying all kinds of random shit — the show Kids Say the Darndest Things didn't exist for no reason. My own son had us literally LOLing recently, so I shared what he said on the Offbeat Mama Facebook page: The other day our three-year-old told us: "When I grow up I'm going to drink wine. When you grow down you can drink juice." I thought it would be fun to open the topic up for discussion… and here are some of your favorite one or two-liners from your own offspring! Photo by Ioan Sameli, used under Creative Commons license. Jessi A.: "If you see a dinosaur, you need to RUN" and when asked why a frog might play dead (in our fish tank) "Because that's his choice and he can do it if he wants to" — both by my four-year-old niece Karen W.: This morning as my just eight-year-old started asking about how his aunt and uncle were going to go about making a baby, I explained that would be something he'd know a bit later… He said "I still think the baby comes out of your belly button!" I said "Well, they grow in a woman's belly but have to exit through the bottom exit," and he yelled "I CAME OUTTA YOUR FEET???" That's some righteous bed head. Photo by JM_Photos. Heather U.: (as I'm getting out of bed in the early AM) my three-year-old says to me…"Woah momma… your hair looks rid-dic-u-wus… your still bee-ti-ful to me though." Kelly M.: Not my kid, but a cousin: "You know what you see when you look in the mirror? Yourself, in 20 years, when you're a grandmom." I should clarify that the target of the statement doesn't currently have any kids. Candice L.: My four-year-old told me while we were eating breakfast a month ago: "Mom, I love girls. But, don't worry, my sister will like boys" I laughed so hard. The way she said it, so serious. Photo by chunkymermaid. Mich C.: "It's raining hard, I don't want my eyebrows to get wet" — said in a very serious manner by a three-year-old boy. Let's keep it going! What are your favorite things that have come out of your kiddo's mouth? Join our community! Reporter Name * Reporter Email * Original text Enter the original text here. Edited text* Enter your suggested copyedit here. Notes You can add a note for the editor here. * Required information. Fix Typo PREVIOUS Embrace word-nerdery: 6 ways to Scrabble it up at home NEXT Do or don't: Bright front doors and painter's remorse Show/Hide comments [ 117 ] My 2 year-old daughter: "Mommy, Elmo is always naked." 11 agree Reply While waiting to play a board game with my older sister, her son, 2 years old, came over to help. He started moving the pawns around and said it was my turn. I moved my pawn right to the winning circle and said "I win!". He just tilted his head and said "Oh wow, will you look at that!". (Sorry if this isn't funny, but the way he said it made everyone in the room crack up!) 11 agree Reply my three year old daughter walks up to me, slaps her head down on my 9 month pregnant belly and says, in her serious voice: " Baby sister, you need to come out here right now; or else i'm telling daddy you're being stubborn!" 3 agree Reply I don't have any from my daughter just yet since she's not quite four months old, but my older sister once said "Daddy, these monkeys aren't very nice" while watching The Planet of the Apes. I think she was five at the time. 1 agrees Reply Not my proudest mom moment, but when my kid was 3 I had to slam on my breaks while backing out of a parking space when a car came careening thru the parking lot. Out of the backseat a tiny voice shouted "FUCKING IDIOT!!" Since this happens to be my favorite thing to say about stupid drivers, I knew it was time to watch my language around her. Sigh… 3 agree Reply HA! My son has learned to preemptively say "Shit" when stuff like this happens in the car. 4 agree Reply Haha, my 2 year old yelled "Fucking asshole!" in the car the other day. I can't remember what happened, but I'd yelled something like "Oh you stupid…." and then caught myself. oops… 3 agree Reply I have tried to limit my cursing when my 3 year old started saying things at appropriate times. She dropped her cup at Target and said "Damnit!" really loud. She now completes my sentences. When I say "Son of a…" she'll say "bitch". One time when the DVD player wasn't working, she kept saying, "what the fuck?". I can't get over the fact that she says these things at the appropriate times. So proud! 5 agree Reply My mom had a serious potty mouth- I made my money as a kid from the "swear jar" that she paid into whenever she cursed- but she had some good replacements! Two of my favorites were "sugar honey iced tea" and "Oh-oooookalhoma where the winds come, rushing down the plain…." I particularly like the last one. It wasn't until I was much older that I realized that was her attempt to stop mid-swear! I should add that I didn't swear personally until I was in high school. Then all hell broke loose… 1 agrees Reply When my little cousin's favorite phrase became "JESUS CHRIST!!!" we would all respond by saying "What was that? Cheese and crackers? That sounds yummy! Good idea!" 2 agree Reply My dad's favorites were "Son of a… seabiscuit!" and "God… bless America!" 1 agrees Reply my daughter substitutes the word "dillybar" for swear words. She repeats exact sentences as part of a speech delay but replaces swears words with that for some reason… 2 agree Reply Miss 3 is my little echo at the moment and so I'm finally working on my swearing. When she's frustrated, she yells out "Oh fast lakes!!" (Oh, for fucks sake) 4 agree Reply Lucas age 3: momma. Does God have testicles? 1 agrees Reply I hope you said no…. 1 agrees Reply My nephew (age 2) has recently learned the word "need" and it's usage. It's adorable when he tells his mother, "I need you Mommy" in a sweet voice. However, it's downright hilarious after supper when he uses a strained, desperate voice to say, "I NEED caaaake…" 1 agrees Reply My son "needs" things too, but realizes that if the request comes from another party, we might be more receptive, especially if we've already told HIM no. Last night he said, "Mommy, I need that spoon for the sand box." I told him no, because it's a mixing spoon we use in the kitchen. He tried again, "Mommy, the sand box needs that spoon to help you in the kitchen." 7 agree Reply Last night at dinner my 3 year old took a bite of her enchilada and said "Mommy, this helps us die". What she meant was "this is to die for", a phrase which I don't believe has ever been spoken in our house. 4 agree Reply My 4 yr old niece and I were in a crowded public bathroom in a small cubicle. She had gone first and then it was my turn. As I was putting myself back together she thoughtfully asked, "Aunta… do you like it up the bum?" I didn't know what to say so replied, "Pardon me?" And with more emphasis and slightly more volume she repeated, "Do you like it up the bum?" She was very serious about her question and truly seemed to want to know the answer. I really didn't want her to repeat that again and so asked her in a different way what she was asking. Meanwhile the energy beyond our door had gotten rather attentive. She finally clarified, "Your underwear… do you like it up the bum?" Oh my god… she was talking about my thong!!! 8 agree Reply My neice, about a bear at the natural history museum: "LOOK AT HIS BAGINA!!" 3 agree Reply This made me laugh because we play Dungeons & Dragons on the weekend with our kids, and a friend of ours goes "are you kidding me, I'm a dwarf, so all I saw was it's….BAGINA!" We all laughed so hard, and we are still repeating it. 2 agree Reply My darling nephew this past weekend: "Remember, don't shoot the Easter Bunny or you'll shoot the guy in the Easter Bunny suit!" He's also had such gems as "Never talk to strangers… or clowns" 1 agrees Reply Ha! These are all great! My friend posts her daughter's quips on Twitter. A recent favorite: "Can I bring my Sarah baby doll to the seder? She's my Joosh baby. I have to uppy her acause she is too little to walk." 3 agree Reply Hehehe, Joosh baby 😛 Reply My extremely communicative 21 month old was playing outside when she stopped, looked at me, and said, "Poop." I asked, "Did you poop?", and she thought for a second and said, "No, I just farted". 2 agree Reply i lol-ed at this for at least 2 minutes.. haha 1 agrees Reply I die! That's hilarious! Reply A little girl holding a box in a grocery store: Mommy, I LOVE this cereal. She was holding a box of Beefaroni. 13 agree Reply I am almost in tears laughing over this one 😀 1 agrees Reply My three year old asked me the other night when his baby toe would grow up, like his big toe. 1 agrees Reply Magical thinking, gotta love it. I asked a 4 year old patient what she wanted to be when she grew up: "um, a penguin" 3 agree Reply This is from a friend in reference to their two year old girl. Mom was chewing some ice. Daughter looked into her mouth and asked, "Mommy, are you eating a coffee drop? Are you sick?" Reply The first christmas I spent with my husbands family, my now 11-year-old nephew was five. He was fixated on my (rather biggish) boobs all night. When I was holding him and he realized that he'd been caught staring, he pointed to my sparrow necklace and said, "I like your bird." He's also rather famous for having a dirty diaper as a two year old and crying, "change me, change me, change me… I love you!" 1 agrees Reply Caro (21 months), pulling out a red crayon: "Green!" My boyfriend: "No, that crayon is red." Caro, frowning: "Dis green broken." 7 agree Reply When my niece was just lerning to talk but didn't know her colors yet, she called every color yellow except yellow which she called blue! 1 agrees Reply When my brother was little, his favourite lolly (candy) was musk sticks (do you have them in the states? They're shaped like a skinny pink churro) which he called pink sticks. One day my grandma bought him a pack that also had banana flavoured ones – he announced that these were 'yellow punk sticks!' He also called knees 'leg elbows'. 3 agree Reply Our friend Mel's 2.5 year old son Marcus was at our house, playing with our dog Agda, and patted the couch next to him to get her to jump up. His mom said, "Marcus, if you want the dog on the couch, you need to ask first" (meaning, ask if we allow Agda on the furniture) so Marcus looks at the dog and asks very seriously, "Agda, would you like to come up on the couch?" 9 agree Reply I just choked on my tea, laughing, and now have tears streaming down my cheeks…SO fantastic and funny!! 2 agree Reply When my son was 3 he said (at Thanksgiving dinner) "When I'm six, I'm gonna climb up in a tree and smoke pot!" I honestly don't know where he heard this, but he is 8 now and still sober. Thank goodness. Lol 7 agree Reply My daughter is about to turn 9, but is functionally non-verbal. She mostly just echos things she's heard off of television or from books. We were at my doctor's office for my 32 week pregnancy check up. We were listening to the baby's heart beat when my daughter pipes up with "It sounds like a bag of popcorn." I was so floored I started crying. My doctor also has a child with autism, and he was equally shocked! 9 agree Reply When my son was four, he was pretending to read the phone book to his three-year-old cousin, Alyssa. Quite seriously he pointed at a line and said, "See, Alyssa? See that right there? It says the government doesn't love you, but it will laugh at you." Then he noddoed his head earnestly and turned the page. 6 agree Reply Oh my goodness. That was hilarious! I want my children to say such epic things. 1 agrees Reply Once when my younger daughter was still just barely walking, her older sister asked me, "Mom, is (little sister) a Terracotta Warrior?" She had been going through a phase where she would ask if her sister was various things, but that was the most bizarre by far. 3 agree Reply I help out in Sunday school, and one day we were learning the story of Jonah. The teacher asked, "Is there anywhere you can go where God can't find you?" A little boy turned to me and said, "College?" 6 agree Reply My 4-year-old nephew's first joke: "What do you call a horse with no legs? A pile of stuff." It's my favorite thing. 1 agrees Reply My nephew turned to my husband and said " did you know, my dad is my dad?" We both cracked up! 1 agrees Reply we often joke about the kiddo who was relaying a story of how he got in trouble at school because he said "the fuck word." 3 agree Reply When I was 4 and my brother was 3, I had done something to make him mad, apparently. He got really angry and yelled: "You're a MEANIE, BRAT… DUMMY… SMOKER!" (he had just learned that smoking was bad for you, so therefore a "smoker" was somebody who was bad in his little mind!). Apparently my mom had a hard time containing her laughter. We STILL use it as a family insult to this day! haha! 6 agree Reply One of my dear friends shared THE BEST story ever. When her then two-year old daughter starts to tantrum because she doesn't want to co-operate with doing things, she says "where's my co-operative girl? This isn't her", and normally she stops and takes a breather and sorts herself out. One day she yelled back "SHE'S GONE". My friend had to walk away to keep from laughing hysterically. It's one of my favourite things this kid has ever yelled. When I was 5, I yelled out "FUCK YOU" in the middle of Sunday school. Totally out of context. My poor mother dragged me out by my ears. 7 agree Reply One morning I was sitting with my then barely 2 year old eating breakfast. She turned to me and said "Would you please stop fucking around?" I asked her "What?!" three times, since I was completely dumbfounded and thought I must have misheard, but she clearly said it 3 more times. This morning I asked her to close a cabinet door next to her head because she might bump it. She answered "Yeah, I might bump my head" Then proceeded to bang her head against it a bunch of times and concluded "That was a great idea!" I loved reading all of these so far. I hope people keep 'em coming. 2 agree Reply My daughter is 4 and blind, one day someone made a fart noise with their mouth to which she promptly yelled "mouthfart!" later in the grocery store someone actually passed gas to which she yelled "Mouthfat! ….no REAL fart!" followed by maniacal laughter 4 agree Reply Haha, you just reminded me that my husband had a friend with a baby girl who is blind and she'd be running around laughing and playing. People were holding her and she'd be all smiley, then my husband would hold her and she froze then started WAILING away. The second she was in another person's arms she was laughing and smiling again. Now he's afraid that when we have kids they'll hate him. 1 agrees Reply Ohhhh, so many to choose from my daughter (who will be 4 in June). When she asked me to explain what being bossy meant, and I said stuff about always telling people what to do, she replied 'But Mummy, you boss me around' Uh oh – rumbled! Yesterday, she walked into the room with a plastic tub over her teddy's head and informed me: 'This is called a face roundabout' And a good Offbeat one from last week: 'Mummy, my friends can be the Ramones and we can sing the Spiderman song' 2 agree Reply The other day I had my 3 yr old son on the potty and I walked away for a minute. He started yelling for me and I asked him what was up. He proceeded to say "Mommy! Look! My pee pee is getting bigger! I played with it to make it long like Daddy's!!" I couldn't stop laughing. Then he got upset because he couldn't pee so I told him to leave his penis alone and he yelled at me "I don't have a penis.. I have a PENISAURUS!!" and he would make it move and "bounce" while yelling roar.. I can't wait to tell his future wife all of this stuff… 5 agree Reply I have a three year old boy too, and can totally imagine such a sight. This is awesome. 1 agrees Reply My 13 year old son recently said something about "being well endowed". I said "you know that means you have a big penis….right?" The color drained from his face and he yelled "I thought that meant you had a lot of money! I even said it to one of my teachers today!" 4 agree Reply Oh man, I would have loved to be a fly on the wall when he informed his teacher that he was well-endowed. I'm dying. 3 agree Reply My youngest son aged 4: "Mummy, do wasps and bees have eyebrows? Because if they don't, how do we know if they're grumpy?!" 3 agree Reply Aren't they always grumpy? 1 agrees Reply I got in trouble when I was about nine when my kindergarten aged little sister brought home a friend that was a boy. Naturally, all of us siblings teased her relentlessly, but I got in BIG trouble when I said to my brother, "Come on, let's leave them alone so they can HAVE SEX!" I had no idea what this meant except that it was something boyfriends and girlfriends did sometimes. Whoops! My mom was livid, but I guess that serves her right for not explaining things to us at all. 🙂 2 agree Reply When my three year old was asked how he was doing by a girlfriend of mine, he replies, "I'm livin'". I'm not sure how to take that. . . 1 agrees Reply When my cousin and I were toddlers, we were going through the "mine" stage, saying that everything was "mine". One day we were in the car, claiming various things as "mine," and this happened: "Mine lake." "No, mine lake!" "Mine clouds." "No, mine clouds!" silence… "MINE DIARRHEA!" Our moms have no idea why one of us yelled that, especially because it's not something you'd want! 2 agree Reply My then 4-year-old cousin sees a cigar store Indian. Her: What is that? Her dad: It's an Indian. Her: Like Apu from The Simpsons? A two year old I babysat wanted me to say something into his tape player that had a microphone. I babbled on about something and he stopped me, "No. You have to give your testimony." 3 agree Reply my friends kid, then maybe three, had a bad day. we took a walk and she was so grumpy, i picked a flower and said it was for her to make her happy. she answered "i don´t want it" at first, then thought about it and said "gimme the flower, i want to throw it away. i want to throw all flowers away." of course her mom and me laughing hysterically didn´t make things better… this has become a frequent saying in our house: i feel so miserable, i want to throw ALL flowers away. 2 agree Reply This reminds me so much of Hyperbole and a Half 4 agree Reply While at the store the other day, I heard a Dad say to his young daughter, "Ok, let's go find Mom". And the little girl said, "Maybe we should look for her on the princess aisle" 1 agrees Reply I have a six year old niece. And instead of saying "what the fuck" or "what the hell" she says "what the heck balls!". We didn't know where she got it, but her 13 year old sister says that she watches a show where a teacher says "what the hair balls" and she just misheard hair. This little girl also likes to quote Invader Zim at random times and when we people are talking about being mad or sad, she goes up to them and says "it's time for total annihilation" as calm as she possibly can. 5 agree Reply Um… Invader Zim child is awesome 🙂 1 agrees Reply I'm pregnant, and this whole thread is giving me so many ideas of things to deliberately teach my kid to say, and I don't know who Invader Zim is, but "It's time for total annihilation" is at the top of my list so far. Hilarious! 4 agree Reply Get your child invader zim – we should all have children that walk around singing 'doom doom doom doom DOOM-DO-DOOM!' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSM59xfZZFM I recently met the guy who does the voice of Zim at a convention who kindly recorded a birthday message for our friends' 5 yr old. she was SO EXCITED that Invader zim wished 'his favourite wormbaby' a 'PITIFUL BIRTHDAY MWAHAHAHAHA!' best. ever. 6 agree Reply My 20 month old doesn't have a big vocabulary yet, so no funny phrases, but it's always funny (and kinda embarrassing) when we're out in public and he shouts, "COCK!" (truck) 1 agrees Reply Ha! This was son's word for cracker for the longest time. It was always lovely to be out in public and have him ask quite adamantly for "cock". He never had to ask twice for that snack! Reply Haha, I have a few about kids we know (we don't have our own as yet). -Our 6-year-old niece was looking out the car window while we were driving. Then, out of nowhere, she turned to me and said, very seriously, "You know… I have bionic eyes." -A friend of mine is currently pregnant, and also has a two-year-old daughter. She and her husband asked the toddler what they ought to name her new sister, and she immediately replied, "Penis Elmo." 3 agree Reply Same niece as mentioned in the post: Last year I was driving past a protest rally for something I REALLY disagreed with the protesters about. I flipped them off in my usual style, forgetting that my niece was in the car. She quickly piped up "Auntie, why are you sticking your finger out the window at those people?" (She knows that flipping people off means you're mad at them- my sister and brother in law don't really censor themselves, which is good because I forget to do so often). "Because, sweetie, those people want to tell me what to do, even though I'm a grown up and can decide for myself." "Like go to bed?" she asks "No, like rules about body" Knowing that bodies are very important and personal, she quips "Well they can't tell ME what to do with MY body either!" and she 'sticks her finger out at them' and sticks out her tongue, too. I was slightly embarrassed by the four year old flipping the bird, but pretty proud as a feminist. My sister was too, and couldn't stop laughing when I told her. 8 agree Reply My 5 year old, drinking orange juice: "Mmm. Beer." Also: "Daddy drinks coffee and beer and mommy drinks wine" 1 agrees Reply Miss 5, over dinner: "Mummy! Use your manners and say 'Excuse me'. What if I was having a party with lots of my friends and you burped like that?! It would be soooo embarassing!" Miss 3 has recently discovered potty humour because I giggle every time she races through the house shrieking out "Imma go toilet and make stinky bananas for the fishies!" 1 agrees Reply When I was about four or five, my parents heard me moving about early in the morning. Dad went to check on me. Mom overheard the following conversation on the baby monitor. Me: Daddy, what's a paleontologist? Dad: What?? Me: It's a scientist who studies dinosaurs! Dad: Sarah, it's six o'clock in the morning. Go back to sleep. 2 agree Reply Ugh, I can't believe I'm telling this story, but… When I was a kid I heard the word "gang-bang" used (in the movie Grease) and had no idea what it meant. I thought it meant a big fight. So while in church one day, my brother and his friends were late to service and my mother's friend leans over and asks me, "Where are the boys?" I cheerily replied, "I don't know.. probably outside gang-bangin'!" All I remember of a reaction is her saying, "I… I hope not," and then leaving me alone. 3 agree Reply I recently announced my pregnancy to my 6 yr old nephew. His reply to this was "Aunt Nini, i hope you have either a boy or a girl." I could only agree with him. Man he cracks us up regularly. 1 agrees Reply I am a preschool teacher and one day while we were outside on the playground my assistant teacher (looking up into the sky at an airplane) said longingly "I wish I was on that plane!" and a 3 year old boy very seriously responded "Oh no no no, you are much too large for that" hahaha that one gets me every time I think about it! 2 agree Reply My 3yo son regularly tells myself and his grandmother (Yaya) that he likes our faces. His recent response to what his favorite color was? "Waffle." (To be fair, yellow is his favorite color.) 1 agrees Reply I did a lot of babysitting when I was in high school. One day one of the kids asked me how old I was. I told her I'd be 17 next week. She responded with, "Oh. So how old are you now?" This same child also strongly insisted once, "That's not what teenagers do!!!!" When I asked what they actually do she replied, "NOTHING!" 2 agree Reply oh where to start with my three year old niece, One day she shouts in the car "what is invisible and smells like peanuts? . . . to get to the other slide!" she combined the first line (answer-elephant toots) with another joke punchline (why did the chicken cross the playground) and thought it was the funniest joke ever. also, she calls my mother (her grandma) her "BIFFLE" – how she verbalized Best Friend For Life. and she misheard my last name "Larson" as "awesome" so now we are aunt and uncle awesome, which is, well, awesome! 2 agree Reply I am so jealous and will immediately be insisting my nieces and nephews refer to me as Aunt Awesome. 2 agree Reply One of my nieces was taught by her mother to call our sister Auntie Favorite. Cute and appropriate since she is our niece's godmother but it hurt before she was old enough to tell me that Auntie Favorite and I are her favorite Aunties. Reply upon learning the Christian truths of easter my 7 year old son says "WOW! Jesus was born on holiday AND died on a holiday?! He's so lucky…" I think i'll be telling that story for many many Easters yet to come. 4 agree Reply One day at work (kindergarten) there was a very conservative dresses muslim father picking up his child. He was clad in long white robes had a long beard and looked kinda grumpy. This was really interesting for the 2 year olds I was with and when the man passed us one little girl piped up: "Maybe it's Santa claus?" 1 agrees Reply This reminded me of the time when, on a visit to the big city aquarium, we saw a pair of women dressed in head-to-toe robes with shawls over their heads. My two year old was so excited to see REAL ghosts, out in the daytime! 3 agree Reply When my son was about 3 he said 'when I grow up I am going to be a woman' This apparently is common for children before they understand the biological realities of gender. It is not to be taken as a sign that your child is gender dysphoric! 1 agrees Reply My nephew Charlie, then 3 and a half, was at a wedding reception and was in a bad mood with his Mum (my sister). One of their male friends in an attempt at commiseration, said to Charlie "Women, can't live with them, can't live without them." To which he replied "But without women, there wouldn't be babies." Male friend says "Yes, I guess you're right." Thinking a little, Charlie then says "And without women, there wouldn't be any boobies either!" 1 agrees Reply When I was little I was running around the house naked and my dad told me to get some clothes on my butt. I turned around, put my hands on my hips and said, "Boys have butts, girls have boo-tays." And then I marched into my room. My parents have no idea where I came up with the term, but we all still refer to my bottom as a boo-tay. 2 agree Reply I frequently update my Facebook with what I call "Loganisms" things my quirky youngest son says. My favorites: "The thing about windmills is: they can CHOP YOU UP! To get up a windmill, you need a ladder. And to get back down? A ladder again." "I know what alligators eat. They eat cat food. And people food. And people." "Want to hear my favorite joke: Why did the elephant sit on the fence? It's time to get a new fence!" It's kind of like Shit My Dad Says, but with a little kid. 5 agree Reply My mom likes to constantly tell people some of my funny ones from when I was younger: On the way home from our cottage (which is a 3 hour drive- a long time for a kid), we were probably about 1/2 hour away and I yelled "Are we back in our world yet?" One day I announced I knew the French alphabet and began reciting: ah, buh, cee, deh, euh… I had two pet hamsters at one point and I built this elaborate playground in a cardboard box. I had to leave my room for some reason and left a younger girl (very timid and afraid of the hamsters)whom my mom was babysitting to watch the hamsters. When I returned they had escaped. My mom was furious and ask why I left them and I quickly defended myself with "I left Laura in charge!". She still thinks it's hilarious. 1 agrees Reply I'm a reception teacher and have had a ton of great ones over the years – the ones that come to might right now: "I haven't never seen a pirate…I think they must be extinct!" When I return from a short tea-break I find a group of children discussing what would happen to me if I didn't get my tea – best answer "I think she would dry out like a frog." Whilt re-telling the very hungry caterpillar as a class we all start "On monday he ate through one…" then choose a child to finish the sentence – first respons "sphere!" – he was super confident with the answer too. Will probably remember more soon. Love this post, you all have some awesome memories. We have a book for my mum of silly stuff she says. Will def have to have one for my kids when I have them. 1 agrees Reply My oldest nephew, (8years) old just recently got a new baby brother and a few cousins…He told his father he was planning on getting the babies sticks and clubs and they will be his minions. My GF has 3 kids, 2 little boys and one younger daughter. One day while she was changing the daughters diaper, her youngest son was watching and asking his mom "Mommy? Why does she have two butts?" 1 agrees Reply my friend`s 2 year old and his dad (translated from french) dad- what sound does a cat make? kid- meow meow! dad- what sound does a bird make? kid- chirp chirp! dad- what sound does mom make? kid- NO NO NO! (cue eyerolling from my friend the mom) 2 agree Reply This one is from some dear friends of mine little boy was about 5 years old. They had gotten some take out chinese food and had some soy sauce packets that had pictures of pandas on them. The Dad put some of the soy sauce on the son's food. The son took a bite and promptly said "Mmmmm tastes like Panda!" 1 agrees Reply I teach preschool- so many to choose from! The other day one kid said to another teacher, "You know why I don't like summer? Because Daddy Longlegs [spiders] pee on me. They have penises, you know." One morning I was playing with that same kid and I spilled my coffee. His response? "Know what I spilled this morning?" "No, what?" "Nothing." 1 agrees Reply My middle son came home from kindergarten one day very frustrated. "Mom, they're teaching me the wrong things!" he complained. I asked him to clarify: "Well, first they told me "A" says "uh" (a cat). Now they tell me "U" says "uh" (up). He was so serious. It was hilarious! Reply A friend and I were on a walk and her 7 yr old son was riding his bike with us and kept riding into the street. My girlfriend yelled "KOBE! Get out of the street. Despite what you think I can not protect you from everything" He looked at her puzzled and I reaffirmed her statement. "Kobe, if you dart in front of a car Mommy can't stop the car" And he said "She could if she was driving the car!" We couldn't argue with that! 1 agrees Reply My little babysittee, when he was two, staggered around saying "Ohh, my body, ohhhhh my body!" when he was sad that his parents had left. Also, my mother tells me that when I was two, when an animal got into the squash patch, I exclaimed, "There was just a LITTLE bit of flesh left clinging to the rind!" 1 agrees Reply I'm not a parent, but I have plenty from my babysitting/swim instructor/childcare days… When I was in high school, I was staying with a family friend while my parents were out of town. Their son, who was about five at the time, had come into my bedroom in the morning for a chat. He asked me if I was going to get up, and I said, "Yes, but I'm going to need some privacy." He cocked his head and said, "I don't know where we keep it!" Cheeky. When I taught swimming lessons, there was developmentally disabled boy who was in many of my classes. For most of the time that I taught him he was non-verbal, but then one day he started talking (which was awesome!) Before his verbal skills developed, when he was upset he could get a bit rough, but when he began talking he would shout, "NO THANK YOU". It was great because, hey, I prefer that over being flailed into by a boy who is way stronger than he looks, but also because the way he said it was SO. SERIOUS. and it always made me smile. A little boy at one of the preschools I worked at piped up one day, "When I grow up, I'm going to have little boobies like Daddy. Not big boobies like Mummy." Well okay then. Reply Childless at the time, my husband and I were visiting friends who had recently had a baby and had 2 young children. The three year old boy was sitting on my lab, and suddenly patted my boobs, saying admiringly, 'You must have lots of milk!' 4 agree Reply I had a little neighbor girl (4 yrs) tell me because I had boobs, I must be pregnant. I politely told her I was positive I was not Reply I have a tonne of nieces and nephews so trying to pick the best of all the mental things they've ever said is hard. One that sticks in my head was when I was telling my then 7 year old niece that I was thinking about writing a children's novel and she replied that books were dead and I should just jump straight to children's television. OBVIOUSLY, I'd have to change my hair and the way I dress, but not to worry, she could help me with that. This is the same child who when she caught chickenpox at the age of two was found by my sister, stripped down to only her nappy, looking at her spots in the mirror and sobbing "Poor, poor me, I not a princess anymore". Though my favourite thing any child has said EVER has to by my friend's 7 year old turning to her recently and saying "Mum, sometimes women find me uncomfortably good looking". Utter legend. 3 agree Reply I was home visiting once for Thanksgiving, which is always awkward since only my sister and 6 year old nephew liked me, and I ruined Thanksgiving dinner by not being quick enough to cover my sneeze and projectile bloody nosing the casseroles. My nephew very seriously pointed at me and said "Aunt Stephanie, those are your capillaries bleeding." Laughing made things worse. 1 agrees Reply My niece was three years old and usually quite a quiet child, however she was close to me and would spend hours bring me her toys and showing them to me. One weekend during our family brunch, her grandfather, recently widowed, brought a date – Pam. Amber's(my niece)father was not happy about it and Amber could pick up on it. During the brunch Amber did her usual routine of telling me about each of her toys. Pam turned to Amber at one point and said, "My aren't you a chatter box?" Amber turned around to look at her, the biggest scowl on her face, her hands on her hips and said: "I'm NOT a chatter box … I don't have a lid!" 3 agree Reply and then, of course, there's fun with gender! after much discussion and consideration (and hilarity) one day, the kid acknowledged that boys could have long hair and girls short, and boys could wear dresses and still be boys. but, fortunately, he was sure that he could still tell if he had to, because "boys wear underpants and girls wear panties." at which point my wife told him about her batman underpants she was wearing. poor kid. or when the other kid was trying to get the best man gig at our wedding: "She can't be the best man. I'll be the best man. The best man can't be a girl." My wife leans over, "Can i tell you a secret? The groom's a girl, too." "Yeah, *you're* the groom," accompanied by a perfect nine-year-old what the hell does that have to do with anything? look. 2 agree Reply Our daughter, who is 4, is constantly making us laugh with some great one-liners and funny quotes: (At 2 years old): "I be dangerous. I go time-out. I get free." (obviously we're raising a felon, haha!) (At 2.5 to her new baby sister who was wearing a brightly colored striped onesie): "You look like a grumpy lollipop!" (At 3, to that same sister, who was just learning to make noise): "Gilly, it is not a talent show!" (At 3, when overhearing her dad practicing some things he needed to memorize): Dad says: "The Chief…" Abby says" -IS NOT PREPARED!" – that one had us rolling (Just the other night, when Dad walked in the door from work): "Dad, did you know some people are allergic to kids?" Hahaha, we love listening to her! 5 agree Reply While playing in the park, one child picks up a dandelion and blows the seeds everywhere. The other child asks, very seriously, 'Is that bubbles?!'| I even caught the conversation on video! 1 agrees Reply Riley is 2.5, when we laugh at something she does or says she frowns, crosses her arms and says "I am NOT funny! I am Riley!" 1 agrees Reply Officially fenced in our backyard to keep the wild animals IN. haha. My 2 yo runs out, takes one look very excited and says "MY KENNEL!!!" OK, so he has a point… 🙂 1 agrees Reply Though she is only 17 months old our daughter already has said some really fantastic stuff. Recently while sitting around shirtless she grabbed her chest said, "boob!" while signing milk. she then attempted to try to tilt her head down to her own chest while making sipping sounds. Reply when my step-daughter was 3, she was walking with her daddy. And as a three-year old she was walking behind him. And suddenly her dad heard "oh shit!" As he turned around to say that is inappropriate for a young girl, he noticed that she was looking at her shoe which had low and behold dog shit on it. 1 agrees Reply My son and I were getting ready to go out for the day. I picked out some clothes for him to wear. It was a tank top and shorts. After getting dressed he walks into the bathroom with me and looks me straight in the face as he says "Mommy, This shirt makes me look like a creep…"I was speechless. Reply I was 21 working in a day care. Two kindergarten boys were at the door asking for me. One who is very onery says "Will says you're a foxy mama!" Poor shy quiet Will was so stunned, he turned bright red and couldnt speak! 1 agrees Reply This one isn't even from a kid I know, but a good one anyway. Once, at the end of a flight, there was a bunch of turbulence as we were landing. We were bumping around pretty hard and frequently making those sudden dips that make your stomach drop like you're on a roller coaster. Everyone was feeling pretty tense and no one was talking and then, right after one really big dip, a toddler in the middle of the plane shouted in their most sing-song voice: "Uh Oh!" It completely cut the tension and everyone on the plane started cracking up. 2 agree Reply Join the conversation Cancel Reply Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *Comment Participate in this conversation via emailGet only replies to your comment, the best of the rest, as well as a daily recap of all comments on this post. No more than a few emails daily, which you can reply to/unsubscribe from directly from your inbox. No-drama comment policy Part of what makes the Offbeat Empire different is our commitment to civil, constructive commenting. Make sure you're familiar with our no-drama comment policy.