Changing birth control methods isn’t for us at the moment (been there, done that). So these damned packs… just one more frustrating element that the person with the baby-growing parts has to deal with that the partner doesn’t. To my mind, at least.
Resentment breeding ground, is what I’m saying here.
One night, after watching me lose another pill, he said, “Let me prep your birth control from now on.” Not in a “geez, girl” way either, which helped.
And now, after seeing him struggle a few times with the packs and triumphantly handing over the tiny pill, I feel a lot better about things. It really has helped my frustration to see my partner joining me there, dealing with something exactly how I have to deal with it.
I don’t feel as alone in this birth control thing now that he’s there every night, taking the pill out, handing it to me. He knows first-hand how mundane it is, how annoying it is. But that little gesture makes the one-sided-ness of hormonal birth control feel, for me, a tiny bit more shared.
And there have been fewer pills on the floor, so you know, that’s a plus.
We do something a little similar (although perhaps my pill-packs are more nicely designed, since getting the pills out has never caused a problem for me…). My husband helps me remember to take the pill every morning. Sharing the responsibility for remembering really helps me not resent being the one who has to do the baby-preventing thing (even though it also makes my periods regular *and* less crampy, so I’m pretty happy to be on the pill…). It also significantly decreases the odds of me completely forgetting to take the pill, so that’s good.
Same here. I’m incredibly forgetful, but luckily my hubby has been great with helping me remember to take the pill.
Also, since I take about 10 other medications/homeopathic remedies/supplements daily (I’m a spoonie) I ended up downloading a free app called Med Helper. Basically, you program the meds you do take into the app and what time it needs to be taken. From there, the phone will set off an alarm every 10 minutes until you mark it as taken in the program. It’s annoying at times, but pretty helpful.
I just googled spoonies. Learned something new today!
yup, me too. my partner didn’t officially take responsibility, but we set an alarm on his watch so I’d remember to take my bc at the right time, and if I’m busy and may not have heard the alarm, he will also remind me.
I was also pretty forgetful. So frustrating…How hard can it be? Just take the Pill right when you brush your teeth in the morning as part of the routine. Nope. Forgot all the time. Being super not ready to have kids yet, it was basically, “Well, I forgot my Pill today, so we’ll be using condoms for the rest of the month to be on the safe side.” Finally, I just ended up getting an IUD so that I wouldn’t have to remember anymore.
That’s quite sweet! A little means a lot sometimes. On a side note, once while visiting my friend, she started to get a migraine and without missing a beat, her husband excused himself, and came back with pills for her, and it was one of the most loving things I’ve ever seen.
I have experienced this too!
In my head the not-making-babies was all up to me:
1. Go see doctor every 6 months for a check up and prescription
2. Go to pharmacy and purchase birth control
3. Do not lose perscription
4. Remember to take it every day
5. Remember to purchase refills when necessary.
It really felt as if it was all ME not US.
Then I met my partner and he is brilliant! He chose to take some responsibility without me asking him to.
He has a daily alarm set on his phone to remind me, if I’m busy he will get my pill for me and some water. If I’m out he will leave the packet on my laptop or other obvious place. He even sends me a message if I’m away on business.
I asked him why he started to do all this and he simply answered “its my responsibility too” 🙂
this is slightly sideways, but do you have to buy your pill all the time?
In England, the pill is one of the free medical prescriptions, and when I looked it up online after reading your comment I got a bit confused with American health insurance stuff 🙂
Hi, GeeGee. Health insurance here is still a gigantic “it depends” situation, but yes, for some birth control prescriptions are free. It’s still an annoyance, like Aisling said, to be the one who has to order and pick up the prescription, and can make things feel very one-sided.
My pill is free under a university-associated insurance with no co-pay. But I am limited to about 5 options for it to be completely free. I went through 3 different pills before I found the right one, but now it is glorious. IF I still had to pay for it, I think it’s only fair for your long term partner to split the cost.
I actually use the pill to help me remember to take my allergy medicine, so it works out. My husband will remind me when our schedule is disrupted, but normally I remember.
You and everybody else. I hope the following is helpful and generally accurate (ha!):
Under the new Affordable Care Act, private insurance companies have to offer some form of contraception at no copay or deductible. They are allowed to limit their coverage to generics or specific types (this means generic hormonal birth control pills are available for free from–as far as I can see–every insurance company. Some plans offer to cover a certain percentage of other types of contraception, or choose to expand their coverage to include brand name products.) I believe they’re also required to cover sterilization procedures. Some institutions are exempt from being required to provide contraception coverage to their employees’ insurance coverage, particularly institutions that are deemed to be of a religious nature.
Every American is required to carry insurance or pay a fine. Some women will not be covered by the contraception provision or will not have insurance, and so they will pay full price for any contraceptive they receive. Anyone who shows up to a pharmacy with a prescription but doesn’t have insurance, doesn’t prove they have insurance (by failing to provide an insurance card), or wants to buy a pack before the insurance company is willing to pay for it (say, replacing a lost pack), they’ll be paying full price.
I’m in Europe too but our health system isnt as good as the NHS 🙁 Unfortunately it is not a free or subsidized medication in this country.
Every 6 months you must go for a doctors appointment to have a weight / blood pressure check then you are given a 6 month prescription .
After that you need to pay for the medication.
My doctor provides the appointment at a reduced price (because it literally takes 2 minutes!) after this you need to purchase the medication.
I’m not 100% sure what happens if you are entitled to state healthcare, but I believe it is free or a very small charge.
A number of previous doctors (including the one in my university) did not give a reduced fee even though it would take <5 minutes for the consultation.
Although it would be nice to have the medication available for free, I was always more concerned about being the one who needed to DO all the things… it really helped me to feel like it was a joint effort.
Having to go to an appointment every six months sounds like a huge hassle! Sorry you have to deal with that.
Aisling, are you in Ireland? (I’m guessing cos of your name)
My GP used to give me nine-month prescriptions when I asked her – and then I could call the office to ask for a repeat prescription, which only cost €10. She did want to see me yearly, but even that reduced the cost and hassle a little.
I’m routed 🙂
I’ve had 3 GP’s due to moving (4 if you count the practice and university separately) and none have offered me this… I will definitely inquire as it would be much handier! Thanks! 🙂
Awsome!
My boyfriend and I has always split the cost of birth control, but he’s never been really involved more than that. Except that time when I suffered side effects from the pill I changed to, he just got out and bought condoms and said that enough was enough, I shouldn’t feel like crap because WE didn’t want to have babies.
That is awesome! What lovely not-baby-making partners everyone has.
Prior to trying to get pregnant, I had the shot. I always felt annoyed when my husband would remind me to go get it. We have a whole set of issues about me being the forgetful one and that being OK with me (Also, I understood that it wasn’t a timer that went off signaling immediate pregnancy). I wonder if I would have felt differently in a pill situation where it is more of a Do Not PAss Go, Go Directly to Pregnant kind of situation.
Now I am pregnant, so there’s just a whole new set of feels about the unfairness of all of the baby-making falling on (in) me.
So, if anyone can figure out how to alleviate the one-sided pregnancy angst I will be forever in your debt 🙁
I felt all of this, and then comes the breastfeeding. No advice, just empathy.
When I breastfed both of my daughters my partner would do all of the prep work before my girls were ready to eat like changing diapers, helping me get ready, etc regardless of the time of day. When I pumped he would wash all of my pump parts without me asking. It worked great for us and helped me feel not so alone while breastfeeding and helped him feel like he was also providing.
Oh jeeze. That sounds so nice. I think it’s just a weird situation. We are really good at being partners and picking up each other’s slack and helping each other. I’m sure he’ll find some magical way to sweetly help me.
I don’t want it to be getting up in the middle of the night though. At least not after he goes back to work (after taking a whole month off to help me!).
He’s expressed some mild anxiety about being the sole provider (even though I have been working part time for two years, so my income is minimal), so I know the prospect of it stresses him out just as much as being the sole gestater stresses me out. Right now, I am doing the huge deal thing that no one can help me with. Once the baby is out, I’ll have all the help I could want (big family, small town), but he’ll be switching to being the sole breadwinner, which no one can help him with.
I am trying to remember that it is all a big trade off. When I get sad or scared or tired of being pregnant and then get resentful toward my husband, I try to remember how scared he is and how he’ll probably be sad that he’ll miss lots of baby time and get tired of it. I try to remember THAT and not the fact that he can drink whiskey and I can’t.
I am often unsuccessful.
It’s something my husband and I still work hard at and my daughter is a year old. When we were child free we both worked the same amount of hours and generally knew what went on in each other’s lives and could relate. But pregnancy/birth/breastfeeding/being primary care provider is something your partner may not ever truly understand. They can be nice and help, but we just cannot relate to one another’s lives anymore. Not a bad thing, just.. massively different. Big dynamic change and takes a lot of work.
I often struggle with “I never TRULY get a break when you get to go out of town for 4 days like nothing has changed.” Let’s not even talk about how he gets to drink for those 9-10 months.
Basically what I’m saying is we’re all here with you feeling the same feels. 😀
Hi, Im preggers with thrombophilia (aka, as soon as you get the +, you get 9 months of a daily shot in the belly – did I mention that I faint when poked with a needle?) Hubby said he would NEVER be able to help me because he was too scared of giving me a shot. That opinion lasted about 3 seconds when he saw me try to give myself the first shot (LOL), so now I pinch the flesh and he applies the needle. He also is in charge of reminding me of the prenatal vitamins, as well as helping me decipher what Baby-O can / can not tolerate (and providing it to me!) For example, (TMI, I know) when I cant sleep from what seems to be lack of bowel movement and its 5 am, Hubby is in charge of preparing the medicinal tea (yes, we BOTH work tomorrow!)
Perhaps you can get your partner to help you in some of these ways? Mine feels very excluded from the growing-a-baby part of the process and this helps him feel more involved (and me more cared-for, greatful to him, and generally more relaxed, not that the burden is (somewhat) more spread-out).
I have been on hormonal birth control most of my life in order to deal with my defective ladybusiness, whether I was sexually active or not. From the age of 16 (long before I ever saw my first penis) until now (38). I consider it medicine that I need to function and not be in pain more than just something that keeps me from making babies, and therefore I guess I am free of any resentment towards my partner about it. I can see how if it was primarily “just” birth control it could feel a little one-sided, though. Especially on the long term, especially if you are also dealing with side effects. I also get a shot every three months instead of taking a pill every day, so it’s simpler.
It’s nice that your partner is sharing this responsibility with you, even if it is just a symbolic thing. I’m sure it feels less like the “burden” is squarely on you. I always felt a sense of freedom surrounding my birth control, even though I “have” to take it, because it means that I have complete control over that aspect of my reproduction. I can see how others might feel differently though and it sounds like this is a solution that works well for both of you.
Hmm. Taking birth control pills seems a lot simpler than getting the shot, to me. A pill is easy, painless and I can take it without getting out of bed if I want to. All I have to do is remember to renew my prescription every few months.
Getting the shot would require me to make an appointment to go somewhere every three months and get poked with a needle, which is something I quite dislike. If I had to get a shot every three months to avoid getting pregnant rather than just taking a pill, I probably would be a lot more cranky about it.
Which I guess is why there are multiple forms of birth control available! Because one person’s “simpler” is another persons “miserable”.
I feel the defective ladybits, thing. Mine also cause me severe pain (and other stuff) if left un-medicated, and my birth control is my medication – has been since I was 13. I take it continuously and don’t have a period (as directed by my gyno) so that I can still function like other human beings and, you know – have a job and what not. HOWEVER, only a specific type of birth control treats my issues – and although it was covered by my lovely Canadian medical for 10 years – they decided a few months ago to go with a cheaper brand…. and I don’t have 50$ a month to cover my meds. SO. Now my birth control is just birth control – and it’s the most annoying and infuriating thing in the world because as far as I am concerned, it’s useless (I’d almost rather be pregnant…. because no ladybit issues. Except, I’d really rather not babies.) blahhhhhhhhhh.
This might sounds strange, but I absolutely love hearing about and seeing the loving things couples do for each other. It’s just so incredibly important to the sustainability of the relationship.
This is a little bit *ahem* graphic, but my husband needs to help me out to check for my IUD after my period. Because of my shape, I can’t reach the strings on my own. It’s an awful moment for both of us, but it does mean that we’re both responsible for making sure we’re ready to go.
What I do is deal with the annoyance of popping them out only once a week (or 2 weeks sometimes). I got one of those daily pill boxes and just load them up ahead of time. (I also put my allergy meds in them). For me it is much easier to remember, and I drop the pill much less often. One less struggle every night. I’ll take it, even though I feel like an old lady with my pill box.
I was actually going to ask if anybody did this! It seems really smart.
With pretty much all blister packs, I just get something pokey and cut the pill out of the foil. My pill is pretty easy to pop out, but it helps me to have the foil totally gone so if the lights are off when I take it (they often are), I can just sort of hold it up and see which spot I’m on.
What happened to the round packs of Pills? When I first got the Pill, it was in a round case. The blister packs had the pills standing up on end so they were much easier to push through the foil. Then, unexpectedly, they switched to the rectangular packs with the pills in rows…and laying flat, so they’re almost impossible to push out easily without mangling the whole pack. WTF?
Those old lady pillboxes are so helpful! When I had daily meds I had to take, it meant that I could go back and double-check that yes, I did really take them (I’m forgetful and I have OCD, so if I can’t remember and I can’t check, it’s a bad combination).
I used to take my stomach medications out of their blister packs and put them in the box as they were also a pain in the backside to get out (and would get shot across the room). Now I use that old lady pillbox to make sure that I remember to take my prenatals.
I find, too, that if I’m travelling somewhere overnight or for a couple of days, it’s way easier to take a box of pills than a bunch of bottles–especially when things like vitamins tend to come in really big containers. It might be different if you’re going overseas or somewhere that they might need to check the contents of your bags, however–then you really ought to be able to easily identify what you’re carrying.
Old lady pill box love!!!
I am an obsessive pill boxer. I have my trusty little pill box (with AM and PM slots) and I fill it up every Saturday night.
I even have one for my husband — which he pretends that he hates, but I know he secretly appreciates.
It makes wake-up and go-to-bed routines easier and I never have the ‘Ahhhh, fuck. Did I take my pill this morning or not?’ issue.
I have had various medications over the years for treatment of PCOS, Endometriosis and Insulin Resistance although since my hysterectomy I am now only taking a diabetes medication after lunch and breakfast, this helps keep my insulin resistance under control which helps keep my hormones balanced and the PCOS at a semi even keel….. I struggle massively with remembering things anyway and in particular to remember to take meds and also to remember if I have actually taken or missed a dose, so couldn’t live without my days of the week pill box. It holds one weeks supply and, crucially, it lives in the same kitchen cupboard that holds the tea/coffee supplies, cups and glasses. This cupboard is the first thing I open in the morning without fail, this means I always stumble across my pill box before breakfast which triggers me to get out the breakfast dose, I don’t actually have to remember it. If I kept the pills in the bedroom or bathroom and I had to remember to get it out to take right after eating which happens in another room, I’d forget it every time, it’s just setting myself up to fail. If eating at lunch at home I go to the cupboard for a glass and see the pill box again and be triggered to take the lunchtime dose.
I keep my lunchtime doses in a small travelling box though and even when at home I take them from this box to keep the association with that box going, the sight of the box in the kitchen triggers me to go and get the lunchtime dose. When at home the small travelling box lives in a bowl on the hall shelf with my wallet, keys etc, which I take out of my bag when I get home and put in again when I leave. This way they pass through my hands each day so I know I have them.
I refill the box when I find it has run out, I don’t try and remember to do it. The chemist I use has a prescription service where you give your details and your doctors details and they collect the prescription for you and text you when it’s ready, so again I don’t have to remember to do this. They use your dose to work out when to do it early so to speak so you still have supply. This system also triggers the checks on kidney function etc people who take this medication need, I get a note along with the meds when I am due a check reminding me to make an appointment with the doctor. I have all this set up at a chemist on my way home from work so if I get a text I can swing by in the next day or so without having to make a special trip, no remembering, no planning required…..
Basically I have tried to remove all points at which I have to remember to take the doses and have set up things to trigger myself instead. When I was on birth control for medical reasons I would keep it on my bedside table by the glasses I reach for every morning. For me it’s about finding a routine I already have and attaching the med taking to that.
For everything else I can’t do this with I use Google calendar reminders, which is what I used to use before I had the texting prescription thing. When I go away I take the week supply pill box and the travelling box with me. I put the week supply box next to my toothbrush in a spot where it is fully visible so I see it each morning, I then take the actual pill with me to breakfast (and in my hand not my pocket where I can forget it) and put in right on my plate. Lunch time doses while away are a struggle as there is no routine to attach it to but the small travelling box just stays in my bag the entire time and I do my best.
Recently, I read Taking Charge of Your Fertility. In it, there was a anecdote about how one couple acknowledged that the responsibility for pregnancy avoidance typically falls on the woman’s shoulders — even with the Fertility Awareness Method. All that charting, and bodily fluid stuff. Ugh. So the husband of this one couple took it upon himself to be in charge of the temperature-taking every morning. He set the alarm, he got out of bed, grabbed the thermometer, shook it, placed in her sleepy mouth, waited, then charted the number. Just so he could also bear some of the brunt of birth control.
When I read that, I cried from the sweetness. It’s hard to have that shit ALL on your shoulders. So I love this post!
Yes! Great book. Actually, thanks to having begun charting, I knew almost right away when I was pregnant as I was continuing to have higher basal body temps (aside from the fact that I was having recurring cramping–how do women go for months without knowing they’re pregnant???). A must-read for women, regardless of whether you’re trying to get pregnant or trying to avoid it, or in my case, just interested in being more in tune with my cycle.
I love that book! My husband and I are gradually transitioning over to FAM as our birth control method of choice (still using condoms until we’re 100% comfortable, but pretty much at the crossover point). I’ve now been off the pill for four months, and it’s crazy how much better I feel. Not to mention how much better I understand my cycle; I can predict my period’s arrival even without the regulating hormones in the pill! AND I finally have a sex drive again. Woohoo!
Being the one to take my temperature and do the charting doesn’t really bother me, though… it’s actually kind of fun and fascinating. Honestly, for me, having my husband stick the thermometer in my mouth would be super weird. But, obviously, that’s just me. Haha.
I feel like it would be easy enough to poke someone uncomfortably if you were trying to take their temperature, especially under the tongue, so I did that myself. However, my husband did read the thermometer in the evening, and fill out the chart himself after I reported the rest of my signs. We used it for birth control successfully for 6 months until we decided we didn’t want to anymore :-). @ Elizabeth, I’m only 13 weeks along, but I’m not sure that I’d really know I was pregnant if it wasn’t for the charting (and expecting to be expecting since I did it on purpose). I haven’t had a period (but mine have always been very irregular), but I also really haven’t had many other symptoms, and nothing severe.
Yup. I remember reading that as well.
After 2 years of FAM where I eventually got so lazy with temping and charting that I ended up pregnant (then had an abortion), my partner is now involved in FAM to the degree of temping ‘for’ me in the morning. We’re currently doubling up with condoms while my cycle returns to normal, but we have been having lots of discussions about how we can balance this responsibility, so I don’t carry it all and then end up feeling shit about ‘getting’ ‘us’ pregnant (which I still get to feel guilty about while he gets away scot-free – grumble).
I’m not sure I’m reading your comment correctly, but it sounds like you’re saying you’re using two condoms. If that’s the case, you may want to read this: http://contraception.about.com/od/malecondom/f/twocondoms.htm
I think she means that she’s combining the FAM with condoms as a backup, but that’s good advice, just in case. =)
No, I wasn’t clear. It is as Mels said – combining FAM with condoms (or, really, just using condoms as my cycle is still all over the place). Although if there was some way of doubling the efficacy of condoms, that would be great!
I was on the pill for, like, ever and got pregnant. I don’t know if it was because I’d gotten lazy or what, but I was pretty good about taking it every day at the same time so I’m still unsure what caused it.
It was many years ago, with my then boyfriend/now husband. We had an abortion, too, and it was definitely more emotional for me than it was for him.
(I mean — he was amazing and supportive and so loving and kind and gentle but … it was still *my* body. And I still felt responsible for whatever mistake happened that resulted in the pregnancy.)
We were both pretty shaken up after the fact — there was a lengthy dry spell because neither one of us could relax enough to enjoy anything.
Ultimately we decided that I should get an IUD — it meant that, for the most part, neither one of us had to do anything and provided the most amount of protection possible, outside of surgical sterilzation.
It’s worked out really well — I no longer have the monthly anxiety regarding my period, there’s nothing to remember every day, neither one of us feels like we’re carrying the entire burden. (Because, lets be real, if we forgoe birth control that means condoms for him and that’s … less fun.)
Also, for people who don’t like the hormonal aspects of most birth control methods, a copper IUD is great.
Thanks for sharing your story too. It hasn’t been an easy summer for us and I certainly found the abortion much more difficult than my partner.
I’m also considering getting an IUD (copper, I’m not keen on hormones, though I was a bit stumped when the abortion nurse asked why, so maybe I need to re-consider that too) to help solve the responsibilities issues (though I’m not quite ready to outsource the checking of the strings) and also hopefully avoid another pregnancy. At the moment, I’m struggling a bit with how relatively invasive it is though, and, also how one-sided that ‘invasion’ would be. But, I think a longer-term solution would probably be best for the moment for many other reasons.
I had that debate with myself for awhile. In the end I went with the mirena. My periods (pre-birth control) were 7 days long and copper IUD can increase your flow. The mirena has very low dosage of hormones and its localized (so its not like the pill where the hormones travels throughout your blood stream) As for the checking….depending on our position, my husband can feel the strings poking him a little bit (he says it doesn’t hurt!) so every once in awhile we assume THAT position just to make sure its still there 🙂
I recently read an article about birth control effectiveness that really freaked me out about the pill. It said that over 10 years, under “typical use” of the pill (how the average couples uses it, occasionally missing pills) 61% of women got pregnant at least once. With “perfect use” (which they say few couples, if any, achieve) the number was still at 3%. So don’t feel like it’s your fault you got pregnant, it’s just not perfect. The article was called “How Likely Is It That Birth Control Could Let You Down” from the NYTimes.
Meh, I would be weirded out by a guy trying to take some of the responsibility of our birth control. I feel like they’re my parts; why should anyone else (besides my doctor) have any responsibility toward them? If I’m going to use hormones to make my organs behave a certain way, then it’s my responsibility to do that. I would be weirded out if a guy asked me to help him out with anything to do with his penis.
I love all the stories of sharing responsibility. I admit, though, that I do like knowing I’ve taken my pill…if they made a pill for guys it might be a little nerve-wracking, at least at first, to let go of that responsibility.
I love this article and love hearing about everyones wonderful partners. It’s so nice I have to echo all of it. We’ve got the baby making home parts so hence the damn responsibility not to get pregnant in a different way than the male side of the species. But what I love especially is this little break down in gender roles.
When I was taking birth control pills, I would take the whole week out of the blister pack at once and out them in a weekly pill box. I did this mostly because I was taking other pills and it was easier to have all my pills together, but the approach could be useful if recalcitrant blister packs are a problem, since it can be done over a table so the pills don’t get lost.
Of course, even if your husband did it for you, you would still lose the daily feeling of his participation in your birth control routine, which it sounds like is worth at least as much to you as not having to deal with the blister packs is. But I thought I’d share in case the idea was useful to anyone.
I’m a little bit late to the conversation here, but I wanted to share something anyway — my husband has absolutely nothing to do with my birth control situation. I mean, he knows I have my IUD because he’s got all my health info (and because I’m one of those annoying IUD proselytizers), but he had nothing to do with the decision to get it and continues to have nothing to do with it at all, because we don’t have the same religion.
He’s Catholic, and I’m not, and he’s really uncomfortable with using any sort of contraceptive (other than NFP, which scares the bajeezus out of me). So it was left entirely up to me, and always will be. I’m okay with that, because I we had a nice long talk about it before we ever started sleeping together, and I knew that that was just how it was going to be with him. So, in our case, have a similar situation to the original post but reversed: I took on the birth control issue entirely, to soothe him. It works for us.
Is it weird that i find stuff like this to be more romantic than flowers and date nights? Not that there’s anything wrong with movie-style romance, but there’s something about two partners sharing something utterly mundane together that plucks my heart strings.
It’s lovely hearing all these sweet stories about your partners chipping in with things like this.
Though, to be honest, I really don’t understand the resentment. I’ve been on the pill since my early teens though, to combat absolutely crippling period pains. In my mind, it’s not me ‘having to bear the burden’ of managing birth control; I view it as a form of having control over my body and its leaky ways.
That, and the Manthing’s offered to have a vasectomy after we’ve had kids so it’ll be a none issue. That’s enough of a commitment on his part for me!