…Or he’s not. I don’t care. He is still my son. And he is 5. And I am his mother. And if you have a problem with anything mentioned above, I don’t want to know you.
I have gone back and forth on whether I wanted to post something more in-depth about my sweet boy and his choice of Halloween costume. Or more specifically, the reactions to it. I figure if I’m still irked by it a few days later, I may as well go ahead and post my thoughts.
Here are the facts that lead up to my story:
- My son is 5 and goes to a church preschool.
- He has loved Scooby Doo since developing the ability and attention span to sit still long enough to watch it.
- Halloween is a holiday and its main focus is wearing a costume.
- My son’s school had the kids dress up, do a little parade, and then change out of costumes for the rest of the party.
- Boo’s best friend is a little girl
- Boo has an older sister
- Boo spends most of his time with me.
- I am a woman.
- I am Boo’s mother, not you.
So a few weeks before Halloween, Boo decides he wants to be Daphne from Scooby Doo, along with his best friend E. He had dressed as Scooby a couple of years ago. I was hesitant to make the purchase, not because it was a cross gendered situation, but because 5 year olds have a tendency to change their minds. After requesting a couple of more times, I said sure and placed the order. He flipped out when it arrived. It was perfect.
As we got closer to the actual day, he started to hem and haw about it. After some discussion it comes out that he is afraid people will laugh at him. I pointed out that some people will because it is a cute and clever costume. He insists their laughter would be of the ‘making fun’ kind. I blow it off. Seriously, who would make fun of a child in costume?
Then the big day arrived. We get dressed up. We drop Squirt at his preschool and head over to my five-year-old’s school. Boo doesn’t want to get out of the car. He’s afraid of what people will say and do to him. I convince him to go inside. He halts at the door. He’s visibly nervous. I chalk it up to him being a bit of a worrier in general. Seriously, WHO WOULD MAKE FUN OF A CHILD IN A COSTUME ON HALLOWEEN? So he walks in. And there were several friends of mine that knew what he was wearing that smiled and waved and gave him high-fives. We walk down the hall to where his classroom is.
That’s where things went wrong. Two mothers went wide-eyed and made faces as if they smelled decomp. I realize that my son is seeing the same thing I am. So I say, “Doesn’t he look great?”
May the force be with you: Star Wars-themed family photos featuring Leia breastfeeding an Ewok
The title alone should let you know I am obviously in love with these photos: kids and their mom dressed as characters from Star Wars?... Read more
Mom A says in disgust, “Did he ask to be that?!” I say that he sure did as Halloween is the time of year that you can be whatever it is that you want to be. They continue with their nosy, probing questions as to how that was an option and didn’t I try to talk him out of it. Mom B mostly just stood there in shock and dismay.
Mom C approaches. She had been in the main room, saw us walk in, and followed us down the hall to let me know her thoughts. And they were that I should never have ‘allowed’ this and thank God it wasn’t next year when he was in Kindergarten since I would have had to put my foot down and ‘forbidden’ it. To which I calmly replied that I would do no such thing and couldn’t imagine what she was talking about. She continued on and on about how mean children could be and how he would be ridiculed.
My response to that: The only people that seem to have a problem with it is their mothers.
Another mom pointed out that high schools often have Spirit Days where girls dress like boys and vice versa. I mentioned Powderpuff Games where football players dress like cheerleaders and vice versa. Or every frat boy ever in college (Mom A said that her husband was a frat boy and NEVER dressed like a woman.)
But here’s the point, it is none of your damn business.
If you think that me allowing my son to be a female character for Halloween is somehow going to ‘make’ him gay then you are an idiot. Firstly, what a ridiculous concept. Secondly, if my son is gay, OK. I will love him no less. Thirdly, I am not worried that your son will grow up to be an actual ninja so back off.
If my daughter had dressed as Batman, no one would have thought twice about it. No one.
But it also was heartbreaking to me that my sweet, kind-hearted five year old was right to be worried. He knew that there were people like A, B, and C. And he, at 5, was concerned about how they would perceive him and what would happen to him.
Just as it was heartbreaking to those parents that have lost their children recently due to bullying. IT IS NOT OK TO BULLY. Even if you wrap it up in a bow and call it ‘concern.’ Those women were trying to bully me. And my son. MY son.
It is obvious that I neither abuse nor neglect my children. They are not perfect, but they are learning how to navigate this big, and sometimes cruel, world. I hate that my son had to learn this lesson while standing in front of allegedly Christian women. I hate that those women thought those thoughts, and worse felt comfortable saying them out loud. I hate that ‘pink’ is still called a girl color and that my baby has to be so brave if he wants to be Daphne for Halloween.
And all I hope for my kids, and yours, and those of Moms ABC, are that they are happy. If a set of purple sparkly tights and a velvety dress is what makes my baby happy one night, then so be it. If he wants to carry a purse, or marry a man, or paint fingernails with his best girlfriend, then ok. My job as his mother is not to stifle that man that he will be, but to help him along his way. Mine is not to dictate what is ‘normal’ and what is not, but to help him become a good person.
I hope I am doing that.
And my little man worked that costume like no other. He rocked that wig, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
I think all this has been blown out of proportion. The kids 5 years old for goodness sakes. I’m a male, 49 years old. It was nothing for little kids to dress as a witch when I was a kid….. I do think that the costume is a bit too realistic though. Also to consider is this is about the age where ‘parents and society’ start ‘programming’ little Johnny that he can’t play dolls with his friend Sarah anymore, nor can he hold Billy’s hand anymore in Sunday school…. Of course, it’s totally OKAY to play with male action figures with Billy and pretend to kill massive amounts of ‘people.’
The people doing the teasing have a problem–not the kid or his mom
I just want to tell you that I think you are a very courageous and loving Mother. I to had a situation with my Son when he was in grade school. They were having a ‘Hero’s’ play at school and the kids were to pick a character to portray in this play. Where most of the other boys in class picked sports figures (what kind of hero are they?) my son picked Molly Brown, the herione who helped to save life’s while the Titanic was sinking. The teacher had called me and told that he picked a female as his character and would I have a problem with that. What kind of problem would I have with my son picking a true heroine, I would have more problems with him picking a sports figure. So we went to the DAV and picked him out a nice dress and fur type jacket to wear. Needless to say when we got to the play there were several families who didn’t understand how we could allow this to happen. My husband and I chose to ignore them. He was not teased at school for this since most of his friends were girls and they had no problem with his choice. Then 2 years later he entered Junior High School. The Bullying and death threats started. We complained to the School and the Principal did nothing to help solve the problem. When we got the death threat on our front door at home I made the decision that this is going to stop and I called the police. Since my son knew the boys that were bullying him we knew exactly who to send the police to. The boys and their Parents were talked to by the police and told that if it didn’t stop we could press charges. Another thing we did at this time is we pressured the school into putting our son into the gifted program. It was a contained program where those kids did not have classes with the mainstreamed kids. Our son flourished beyond belief in this environment. All the kids and the teacher excepted him for the person that he was and helped protect him from any further harassment that he would receive. That just because he didn’t like sports or the normal boy things that didn’t bother any of them. My son did not tell us he was gay until he came out his Junior year of High School. My husband and I supported him and like you, I loved him more then anything else because he was my son. My son is 24 years old now and is a very open and happy Gay individual. I feel like the love and support we have shown him as a family, with open communication, and our willingness to allow him to grow up to be anybody he wanted to be has helped this. Him finding a circle of friends, even though they are mostly female, who except him has also help. I am appalled by the Mother who asked if you worried about the other kids teasing your son. Those kids learn that behavior from narrowed minded adults like her. The parents of the kids that do the bullying need to look at themselves and see what intolerance they are teaching. I commend as a Mother for allowing your Son to be who he wants to be no matter what other narrow minded people say. Please keep the communication open between you and your son and just show him your love and acceptance for him. Stand up for him while he is to young to stand up for himself. Help him find ways to be with the good people that are out there that don’t think bullying is a normal lifestyle. Good luck to you and your family and stay strong.
Thank you, also, for being a wonderful mother!
Great story! I would totally let my son dress up as a girl if that’s what he wanted. It’s about promoting acceptance! And of course the kids were fine, it’s always the parents! That’s where these kids learn it!
RIGHT. ON. Your Boo DOES rock the eff out of that outfit and a big bravo to you for letting him do what he wants. It’s so sad though, that it has to be a Big Deal in this world. I hope one day every little boy and girl can dress up as whatever gender they identify with that year. Maybe next year your Boo will want to be a fireman, but who cares? Shame on those women for judging such a sweet little boy.
M’am. You are a victim of geography. I live in Montreal, Canada. We don’t live with the kind of crap you and you family are living. I watched the CNN feed of your discussion this morning and I was just sad to think that we live next door to a country as amazing as the USA is and still watch a daily dose of mindless, heartless drivel as it spills North to the land of sensibility. I have two sons and a daughter. My eldest, who is now an extremely boy-ish 8 year old, insisted on dressing up as a princess during his older sister’s Princess birthday party. He was between 3 and 4 at the time. Counting him, there were about 10 Princesses at the party as well as all the mothers and maybe a dad or two. Not one older girl poked fun at him, and every parent thought he was adorable, gorgeous, sweet and funny. Not one adult thought it inappropriate and it never even occurred to us that it might be a sign that he could be gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! He wanted to dress up and have fun. He was and remains a child! Call it a coincidence, but last night I watched a documentary about the origin of the Intelligent Design “Controversy” in your country…and, yep, KC is the epicentre. I am now beginning to think that KC is the epicentre of idiocy in the USA. If I lived in that state I would hang my head in shame. Your children deserve better people. Grow up, y’all!
The OP is from Canada.
People who make blanket judgements live everywhere.
i agree lawrence location def does play a part!
”’The OP is from Canada. People who make blanket judgements live everywhere.”
uh the bible belt is not in canada. & yes of course they do.. but often more so in the bb than other places – ie. montreal. i mean would you rather go out in drag in NYC or misissipi?
Um, not to argue but according to the blog that clicking on her name links to, the OP lives in “Live in the Midwest by way of Colorado by way of Columbia, MO by way of Southern California by way of St. Louis” sounds awfully like the US to me.
There are more liberal parts of every country- Montreal is one of the most liberal cities in Canada- the reaction there would be very dfferent than say rural Saskachetwan. While I am proud to be Canadian, our country is far from perfect too (but we do have a kick*ss healthcare system)
Dude, you were on our (relatively*) local radio station; how rad! I ♥ Afentra.
* We’re about an hour out of KC.
LOVE this post!! I also have such a hard time with small minded people. My husband is a stay at home dad and we get it all the time!! So I’m sorry for your Halloween experience. But AMEN! And thank you for making a point to not just nod and smile, but to open your mouth and let them know their comments aren’t OK. 🙂 LOVE IT! We all need to be a bit more outspoken when people speak out of turn- ESPECIALLY when its harmful to our kids.
I think he looks great, and I happen to know first hand that this boy has fantastic taste in women. Let him be a child
Good for you! This is what being a mom is all about; supporting our kids no matter what! If all moms were as supportive and loving as you the world would be such a peaceful place to live.
I am one of the billion people who linked the original post of this from on facebook, so I’m super stoked to see it on Offbeat Mama too!
Please don’t hate me for saying this- but I think a better heading would be “my son might be gay”. Kids experiment with different identities, and experimenting with different gender identities/sexual orientations is part of that. He’s got many years of exploring before he decides how he wants to identify himself in his adult life.
I agree. I know, I know – the next few sentences clarify. However, that *first* sentence stands alone and stands out. Adding ‘might’ makes the same point and grans the same eyeballs without being so decisive.
That said, I love this post otherwise! And I am so disgusted by the moms who felt that your son’s costume was any of their business.
This was an awesome post! Your son is lucky to have a mom who stands up for him!
I love this – even though I don’t celebrate Halloween, I love that you’ve used the event to show that ou can be who ever you want to be. Also, I don’t know if it’s been pointed out to you but when the Daily Mail (a UK right of centre newspaper)covered the story with their usual “OMG look at this bad mum” outlook, THEIR readers commented on the story saying how positive your outlook for you son is.
Sarah, you are a wonderful mother and a fantastic role model for parents everywhere. Thank you!!
Yay for Sarah, your common sense, clever responses can show others that acceptance is a beautiful thing! 🙂
So, this is a fantastic post, and I enjoyed reading it. I can even identify. When my son was 4, he wanted to dress up as Periwinkle from Blues Clues. Periwinkle is even a boy cat, but people didn’t recognize him, I guess (to be fair, I made the costume, and my poor skills may be at least partially to blame, but how many purple cats are there??). He got a lot of comments based on the commenter assuming he was a girl like “Oh, isn’t she cute?” It grated. Because it was a cat, and purple, people assumed he was a girl. Totally didn’t phase him, though. I don’t think he realized they were talking about him, or when they were addressed directly to him, I think he just mentally discarded the parts that didn’t make sense to him. He had a blast.
I do have to wonder, though, how the OP and all of these amazingly supportive commenters would feel if this wasn’t a Halloween thing, but an every day thing. Is it as kosher for your boy to go to school on regular days dressed in girl’s clothes? Every day? This is an issue I have dealt with from day one. When he was a toddler, I didn’t let him wear girls’ clothes, because I was afraid for him, and I thought he was too young to understand the possible consequences. I thought when he got older, and had the ability to think ahead, and experience with other people and the kind of cruelty they can produce, then he could decide for himself what he was able to put up with. For a while, I regretted that decision, because I feared I had killed a part of him, because for a long time, he was very rigid about “This is what boys wear, and this is what girls wear!” But just recently, we have made a few forays into the girls’ section for some socks, slippers and pajamas. And this is with him fully aware of general opinion and the way they can be. I think, maybe he’ll be ok. He’s a pretty self-directed, strong-willed individual, and I’m glad for that.
Here’s recent coverage about a Seattle mother who deals with the “every day/not just halloween” issue quite gracefully … she even wrote a book called My Princess Boy.
Go wonderful, loving, right-thinking, warrior mama!
You are an amzing mom, kudos Sarah!
SARAH you were on the news in Detroit Michigan! You rock! Keep up the amazing momminess!
This has made the BBC national Breakfast news this morning!!
LOVE this post!!!! u are an awesome mom, i can tell. and that is the kind of mom i strive to be. I want my kids to know that i will love them no matter what and always have their back. it did sadden me that ur 5 yr old was aware of how ppl would be…and it wasnt even the kids!!! how dare adults think they have the right….bcuz ur correct in saying that if a little girl wanted to be batman or spiderman, no one would say boo. sounds to me like u are raising, a strong, brave lil boy who will grow into a wonderful man!
Thank you for writing this, and thank you for being an awesome, open-minded, supportive mom. You rock my socks something fierce!
Thanks so much for this post, it was very moving. I got teary eyed, it was beautiful.
I love this blog and thank you so much for writing it. It angers me to no end the way the mothers reacted. If I were in your shoes, it would’ve taken all I have not to slap them or lash out. Good for you!