…Or he’s not. I don’t care. He is still my son. And he is 5. And I am his mother. And if you have a problem with anything mentioned above, I don’t want to know you.
I have gone back and forth on whether I wanted to post something more in-depth about my sweet boy and his choice of Halloween costume. Or more specifically, the reactions to it. I figure if I’m still irked by it a few days later, I may as well go ahead and post my thoughts.
Here are the facts that lead up to my story:
- My son is 5 and goes to a church preschool.
- He has loved Scooby Doo since developing the ability and attention span to sit still long enough to watch it.
- Halloween is a holiday and its main focus is wearing a costume.
- My son’s school had the kids dress up, do a little parade, and then change out of costumes for the rest of the party.
- Boo’s best friend is a little girl
- Boo has an older sister
- Boo spends most of his time with me.
- I am a woman.
- I am Boo’s mother, not you.
So a few weeks before Halloween, Boo decides he wants to be Daphne from Scooby Doo, along with his best friend E. He had dressed as Scooby a couple of years ago. I was hesitant to make the purchase, not because it was a cross gendered situation, but because 5 year olds have a tendency to change their minds. After requesting a couple of more times, I said sure and placed the order. He flipped out when it arrived. It was perfect.
As we got closer to the actual day, he started to hem and haw about it. After some discussion it comes out that he is afraid people will laugh at him. I pointed out that some people will because it is a cute and clever costume. He insists their laughter would be of the ‘making fun’ kind. I blow it off. Seriously, who would make fun of a child in costume?
Then the big day arrived. We get dressed up. We drop Squirt at his preschool and head over to my five-year-old’s school. Boo doesn’t want to get out of the car. He’s afraid of what people will say and do to him. I convince him to go inside. He halts at the door. He’s visibly nervous. I chalk it up to him being a bit of a worrier in general. Seriously, WHO WOULD MAKE FUN OF A CHILD IN A COSTUME ON HALLOWEEN? So he walks in. And there were several friends of mine that knew what he was wearing that smiled and waved and gave him high-fives. We walk down the hall to where his classroom is.
That’s where things went wrong. Two mothers went wide-eyed and made faces as if they smelled decomp. I realize that my son is seeing the same thing I am. So I say, “Doesn’t he look great?”
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Mom A says in disgust, “Did he ask to be that?!” I say that he sure did as Halloween is the time of year that you can be whatever it is that you want to be. They continue with their nosy, probing questions as to how that was an option and didn’t I try to talk him out of it. Mom B mostly just stood there in shock and dismay.
Mom C approaches. She had been in the main room, saw us walk in, and followed us down the hall to let me know her thoughts. And they were that I should never have ‘allowed’ this and thank God it wasn’t next year when he was in Kindergarten since I would have had to put my foot down and ‘forbidden’ it. To which I calmly replied that I would do no such thing and couldn’t imagine what she was talking about. She continued on and on about how mean children could be and how he would be ridiculed.
My response to that: The only people that seem to have a problem with it is their mothers.
Another mom pointed out that high schools often have Spirit Days where girls dress like boys and vice versa. I mentioned Powderpuff Games where football players dress like cheerleaders and vice versa. Or every frat boy ever in college (Mom A said that her husband was a frat boy and NEVER dressed like a woman.)
But here’s the point, it is none of your damn business.
If you think that me allowing my son to be a female character for Halloween is somehow going to ‘make’ him gay then you are an idiot. Firstly, what a ridiculous concept. Secondly, if my son is gay, OK. I will love him no less. Thirdly, I am not worried that your son will grow up to be an actual ninja so back off.
If my daughter had dressed as Batman, no one would have thought twice about it. No one.
But it also was heartbreaking to me that my sweet, kind-hearted five year old was right to be worried. He knew that there were people like A, B, and C. And he, at 5, was concerned about how they would perceive him and what would happen to him.
Just as it was heartbreaking to those parents that have lost their children recently due to bullying. IT IS NOT OK TO BULLY. Even if you wrap it up in a bow and call it ‘concern.’ Those women were trying to bully me. And my son. MY son.
It is obvious that I neither abuse nor neglect my children. They are not perfect, but they are learning how to navigate this big, and sometimes cruel, world. I hate that my son had to learn this lesson while standing in front of allegedly Christian women. I hate that those women thought those thoughts, and worse felt comfortable saying them out loud. I hate that ‘pink’ is still called a girl color and that my baby has to be so brave if he wants to be Daphne for Halloween.
And all I hope for my kids, and yours, and those of Moms ABC, are that they are happy. If a set of purple sparkly tights and a velvety dress is what makes my baby happy one night, then so be it. If he wants to carry a purse, or marry a man, or paint fingernails with his best girlfriend, then ok. My job as his mother is not to stifle that man that he will be, but to help him along his way. Mine is not to dictate what is ‘normal’ and what is not, but to help him become a good person.
I hope I am doing that.
And my little man worked that costume like no other. He rocked that wig, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Thank you so much for writing this article. There needs to be more parents like you in the world. It’s disgusting how people feel the need to shove their opinions down everyone’s throats. Your son looks so cute and so happy in the picture. I can’t believe people would act like that, especially towards a little guy.
He looks RAD!!
Thank you for posting your story.
Please pardon my language, but I FUCKING LOVE THIS. It mystifies me, how people don’t see other children like they see their own. As tender, vulnerable little humans who learn about the world by how you treat them Most of us, I think, can remember something a grown up did that was very, very hurtful to us as a child. And I remember my mama standing up for me when it did. Maybe we can’t get rid of bullies, but if we have more mamas like this, our children have a fighting chance against the ugliness in the world. Sarah, I love you!
Brilliant! Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. We’ve struggled with this, too. My 4-yr old’s best friend is a girl. Sometimes they play trucks, sometimes they play dress-up. It’s all good. Take pride in knowing that you taught your son how to not back down from bullies on that day!
My recent post on the subject:
http://theprocrastinatorsgarden.blogspot.com/2010/10/boys-in-pink-tutus.html
I just saw this on Facebook! I can’t say much that hasn’t already been said better by someone else but that is definitely the most adorable Daphne I’ve ever seen!
I saw this on facebook and immediately reposted it. My wonderful friend, who happens to be gay, reposted it as well. This is what he had to say, “I teared up reading it. We’ve got so much further to go.” I think what is wonderful about this story is that it illustrates how much further we have to go, but it also shows us how to help these causes along the way. If everyone was as honest and straightforward towards bigots as Sarah was, we would be a lot closer to putting these issues behind us.
Thanks for sharing, Sarah. You and your son are both amazing.
One of my gay male pals linked to your blog post on Facebook and said this article made him tear up a bit. It makes us both sad that the world still has a long way to go to become the kind of fair and decent place we want it to be, but, like I told him, one thing that will make it a better place is parents letting their kids know they have their backs. You go, Mama (and little Boo)!
Personally I think this makes you one of the most awesome moms ever! We should let our kids be what they want or dress how they want to dress. People need to worry about their own kids – as long as our kids are healthy and happy – thats what matters!
My girlfriend sent me this, and I love it. I’m not a regular visitor to this site unless my girlfriend sends me a link, which has become quite often in recent days.
I just wanted to let you know that your unconditional support and love for your son will make your relationship together extremely fulfilling and powerful. You’ve made the right choices and I’m glad that you weren’t afraid to defend your son’s decisions to other “Christian” women (which incidentally bothers me more than you know, being a Christian myself, although probably a more liberal one).
I feel that I should let you know that in third grade I dressed up as a girl for Halloween at school. I was a little shy, but I knew I’d get a few laughs from other people. It ended up being hilarious and my best costume to date, even being a mere month away from being 22. Whether or not it means anything or is relevant, I am 21-years-old, straight, not effeminate, and have been happily dating my girlfriend for four years now.
Be proud of yourself, and even more proud of your son. It takes some serious guts to do that at such a young age, and I think that makes him more of a man than any “ninja”.
I teared up while reading this. I’m due next month with a little boy and I have been going over in my head how one day I might have to deal with situations like these. I love the fact that he was confident enough to walk into that school dressed as a female character, more people need to be more like him! However, it’s sad that once the day actually came he realized that people might make fun of him, and in the world will live in its true, that people are always going to question you or put you down.
I like the fact that you pointed out that it was the mother’s who were doing the bullying. Everything your children learn start at your own home, the kids of those mothers are going to learn how to bully those who are different and become closed minded. Hopefully, though they will rise above their parents and realize that there is so many different people in the world and that we are all human and deserve the right to be who we want to be, when ever we want to be! And not be put down or questioned because of it!
She had it nailed: the MOM’S were the ones with the problem. Kids are born without hate in their hearts, it’s ignorant parents who instill it in their children. Sorry you have to live in the Bible Belt…I live in Connecticut and I thank the universe I do!
What a great post, I agree with it all! I really like when you said “I am not worried that your son will grow up to be an actual ninja so back off.” It’s just a costume, it’s no more ridiculous than all these girls running around as a priness. I mean, what are the odds that a little girl will grow up to be swept off her feet by a handsome prince?
I sure hope the kids of those moms don’t grow up to be gay, I can’t imagin how unaccepted they would be in their own families.
I think it’s wonderful that you are so supportive and accepting of what your son wants, I wish all parents would raise their kids with those same values.
I would like to give you a high five and a hug. You inspire me! Like someone said earlier, it’s people like you who make this world a better place!
I dressed my 5 month old daughter as a bat for this halloween and I kept being told (mostly by my mother : /) to put a bow on her! She’s 5 months old! She has about as much gender as a Q-tip! People just need to calm down!
As a waitress I see all the sides of people they only show when they think no one is watching. I can say for a fact all the nightmare children that have ever come into any establishment i have worked at have equally nightmare parents. Love, respect, empathy these are things taught…or not taught at home .
Thank you for sharing this precious photo and expressing the unconditional love you have for your son. He is a very lucky boy.
As a trans person, I just wanted to point out that perhaps your child is trans and not gay. Or not. But it’s an important thing to be aware of, especially since at the crux of all this is gender and gender attributes, not sexuality.
Just a thought. Carry on!
totally respect this distinction! so many people miss/don’t care about that aspect.
that said, i feel like in this case the crux is parents imposing prejudices on others’ (and their own) kids and setting the stage for passing down bigotry, no matter what perceived difference they are focusing on. as parents, we are potentially in a position to positively change prevailing behaviors of this sort for at least the generation we are giving rise to.
I just went for our 20 week ultrasound today and found out we are having a boy. And then I got home and read this, and I cried. I cried because I was prepared to raise a daughter (somehow I had an instinct it was a girl from day one), and I started prepping for all the ways I would combat her injustice. I know that many of the ways are similar — exposing the child to role models of both genders (and trans) that defy traditional stereotypes and encouraging the kid to be whom s/he wants to be. However, I do think that it is easier to dress a girl in hand-me-down boy’s clothes than the opposite. Similarly, you are correct that it is easier for a girl to dress as Superman than a boy to dress as Wonder Woman.
At the end of the day, I cry not because I have doubts that we will try our darndest to raise a great son who loves himself despite how he fits into society’s expectations, but because the world still isn’t fair. Shoot — I thought I had gotten over that by now! But I am realizing that the world not being fair meant one thing when it was just me and my husband and trying to address causes that impacted the general society, but now it means something entirely different because it is the society we are bringing this lovely new person into, and I want it to be perfect, and loving, and equal for him. Double shoot. Well, we will love him and others will love him, and we will hope for the best.
Thank you for your blog post.
I am 19 weeks pregnant and had an instinct that we would have a boy. I knew I would want to raise my son knowing that its okay to wear pink or dresses or play with dolls, however my husbands family (although amazing wonderful kind ppl) are still quite old fashioned when it comes to gender roles.
Their huge suprise at the idea that my husband could stay at home instead of me just goes to show how much they still believe in boys/girls things.
I worried that I wouldnt be strong enough to allow my sons to be whatever they wanted to be when their extended family, (while I’m sure they wouldnt say anything aloud) would be embarrased by a boy acting/dressing “like a girl”.
We found out last week we are having a girl, so I guess I’m lucky that I wont have to deal with that yet. But I’m so glad that there are ppl like this poster already changing the world.
My 7 year old daughter dressed as a boy for Halloween (complete with a fake mustache!) and no one batted an eye. So there ya go.
Good for you for accepting your son for exactly who he is. If only more parents could do that, this world would be a much less screwed up place.
You’re an awesome mom. Bravo.
Thank you for this. Thank you so much.
I worked at a preschool for a few years. I was always so surprised when would ridicule their young boys for playing with “girl things”. I had one father get extremely upset with his son and then proceeded to yell at me for letting him carry around a pink purse. Even the other teachers would tell the boys that they could not dress up in a girl out fit because boys can’t be princesses. It made me so sad to see these boys being so discouraged for just playing dressup.
That is a great picture and your son looks wonderful in his costume. It’s sad that full grown adults would think its okay to act like that about something a simple and innocent as a child’s Halloween costume.
My younger brother used to wear my old skirts and crowns to dress up in when he was five. He loved it! He’s an adult now and he’s not gay (not that it would be a problem if he was). He is still more into clothes than I am but now that translates into ironing his jeans, shining his shoes a lot and wearing T-shirts with really cool art on them.
My dad (now 70) told me of the time when he dressed as a girl for Halloween at age 14. He went to his Uncle’s house and no one recognized him!!
I vaguely remember reading something that it’s only in this century that gender-specific colors became prominent. And even then, pink used to be for boys – a more manly color because it was related to red. And blue was considered more airy and feminine. Somehow it flip-flopped. If you think back a few centuries ago, men used to wear all sorts of jewelry, wigs, and colorful outfits, or at least the kings and nobility did…
Thank you so much for this–I too have a wonderful little boy who is as sweet and creative as the day is long. He is 5 and about a week ago he asked me if I would be happy if he married another boy (we had just gone to a HETROSEXUAL wedding and were talking about weddings and things in general). I told him I would be happy if he ever found someone to love who loved him back and that any person he married, boy or girl, “better be very nice to him or Mama will be angry with them.” He then got really quiet in that you can tell the kid is thinking way.
I love my son with all my heart and I have raised him basically on my own (my husband died unexpectedly when my son was 3 weeks). I am pretty sure–even at this young age–that my baby is gay (Mothers CAN tell). Regardless, I will love him with my wholeheart. It makes me sick when I hear of parents shaming their children or casting them off.
I’ve gotten some shit from other parents because I don’t “correct” my son when he says he wants to marry a boy (for the record, I know some people have worried about the gay vs. trans. confusion. My son is pretty clear he is a boy he just “likes some stuff girls like.”) or when he wants to go to dance classes. I say, “He’s my kid; you’re some random bigot.”