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Kids are notorious for saying all kinds of random shit — the show Kids Say the Darndest Things didn’t exist for no reason. My own son had us literally LOLing recently, so I shared what he said on the Offbeat Mama Facebook page:
The other day our three-year-old told us: “When I grow up I’m going to drink wine. When you grow down you can drink juice.”
I thought it would be fun to open the topic up for discussion… and here are some of your favorite one or two-liners from your own offspring!
Jessi A.: ”If you see a dinosaur, you need to RUN” and when asked why a frog might play dead (in our fish tank) “Because that’s his choice and he can do it if he wants to” — both by my four-year-old niece
Karen W.: This morning as my just eight-year-old started asking about how his aunt and uncle were going to go about making a baby, I explained that would be something he’d know a bit later… He said “I still think the baby comes out of your belly button!” I said “Well, they grow in a woman’s belly but have to exit through the bottom exit,” and he yelled “I CAME OUTTA YOUR FEET???”
Heather U.: (as I’m getting out of bed in the early AM) my three-year-old says to me…”Woah momma… your hair looks rid-dic-u-wus… your still bee-ti-ful to me though.”
Kelly M.: Not my kid, but a cousin: “You know what you see when you look in the mirror? Yourself, in 20 years, when you’re a grandmom.” I should clarify that the target of the statement doesn’t currently have any kids.
Candice L.: My four-year-old told me while we were eating breakfast a month ago: “Mom, I love girls. But, don’t worry, my sister will like boys” I laughed so hard. The way she said it, so serious.
Mich C.: ”It’s raining hard, I don’t want my eyebrows to get wet” — said in a very serious manner by a three-year-old boy.
Let’s keep it going! What are your favorite things that have come out of your kiddo’s mouth?
My 2 year-old daughter: “Mommy, Elmo is always naked.”
While waiting to play a board game with my older sister, her son, 2 years old, came over to help. He started moving the pawns around and said it was my turn. I moved my pawn right to the winning circle and said “I win!”. He just tilted his head and said “Oh wow, will you look at that!”. (Sorry if this isn’t funny, but the way he said it made everyone in the room crack up!)
my three year old daughter walks up to me, slaps her head down on my 9 month pregnant belly and says, in her serious voice:
” Baby sister, you need to come out here right now; or else i’m telling daddy you’re being stubborn!”
I don’t have any from my daughter just yet since she’s not quite four months old, but my older sister once said “Daddy, these monkeys aren’t very nice” while watching The Planet of the Apes. I think she was five at the time.
Not my proudest mom moment, but when my kid was 3 I had to slam on my breaks while backing out of a parking space when a car came careening thru the parking lot. Out of the backseat a tiny voice shouted “FUCKING IDIOT!!” Since this happens to be my favorite thing to say about stupid drivers, I knew it was time to watch my language around her. Sigh…
HA! My son has learned to preemptively say “Shit” when stuff like this happens in the car.
Haha, my 2 year old yelled “Fucking asshole!” in the car the other day. I can’t remember what happened, but I’d yelled something like “Oh you stupid….” and then caught myself. oops…
I have tried to limit my cursing when my 3 year old started saying things at appropriate times. She dropped her cup at Target and said “Damnit!” really loud. She now completes my sentences. When I say “Son of a…” she’ll say “bitch”. One time when the DVD player wasn’t working, she kept saying, “what the fuck?”. I can’t get over the fact that she says these things at the appropriate times. So proud!
My mom had a serious potty mouth- I made my money as a kid from the “swear jar” that she paid into whenever she cursed- but she had some good replacements! Two of my favorites were “sugar honey iced tea” and “Oh-oooookalhoma where the winds come, rushing down the plain….” I particularly like the last one. It wasn’t until I was much older that I realized that was her attempt to stop mid-swear!
I should add that I didn’t swear personally until I was in high school. Then all hell broke loose…
When my little cousin’s favorite phrase became “JESUS CHRIST!!!” we would all respond by saying “What was that? Cheese and crackers? That sounds yummy! Good idea!”
My dad’s favorites were “Son of a… seabiscuit!” and “God… bless America!”
my daughter substitutes the word “dillybar” for swear words. She repeats exact sentences as part of a speech delay but replaces swears words with that for some reason…
Miss 3 is my little echo at the moment and so I’m finally working on my swearing. When she’s frustrated, she yells out “Oh fast lakes!!” (Oh, for fucks sake)
Lucas age 3: momma. Does God have testicles?
I hope you said no….
My nephew (age 2) has recently learned the word “need” and it’s usage. It’s adorable when he tells his mother, “I need you Mommy” in a sweet voice. However, it’s downright hilarious after supper when he uses a strained, desperate voice to say, “I NEED caaaake…”
My son “needs” things too, but realizes that if the request comes from another party, we might be more receptive, especially if we’ve already told HIM no. Last night he said, “Mommy, I need that spoon for the sand box.” I told him no, because it’s a mixing spoon we use in the kitchen. He tried again, “Mommy, the sand box needs that spoon to help you in the kitchen.”
Last night at dinner my 3 year old took a bite of her enchilada and said “Mommy, this helps us die”. What she meant was “this is to die for”, a phrase which I don’t believe has ever been spoken in our house.
My 4 yr old niece and I were in a crowded public bathroom in a small cubicle. She had gone first and then it was my turn. As I was putting myself back together she thoughtfully asked,
“Aunta… do you like it up the bum?”
I didn’t know what to say so replied, “Pardon me?”
And with more emphasis and slightly more volume she repeated,
“Do you like it up the bum?”
She was very serious about her question and truly seemed to want to know the answer. I really didn’t want her to repeat that again and so asked her in a different way what she was asking.
Meanwhile the energy beyond our door had gotten rather attentive.
She finally clarified,
“Your underwear… do you like it up the bum?”
Oh my god… she was talking about my thong!!!
My neice, about a bear at the natural history museum: “LOOK AT HIS BAGINA!!”
This made me laugh because we play Dungeons & Dragons on the weekend with our kids, and a friend of ours goes “are you kidding me, I’m a dwarf, so all I saw was it’s….BAGINA!”
We all laughed so hard, and we are still repeating it.
My darling nephew this past weekend: “Remember, don’t shoot the Easter Bunny or you’ll shoot the guy in the Easter Bunny suit!” He’s also had such gems as “Never talk to strangers… or clowns”
Ha! These are all great! My friend posts her daughter’s quips on Twitter. A recent favorite: “Can I bring my Sarah baby doll to the seder? She’s my Joosh baby. I have to uppy her acause she is too little to walk.”
Hehehe, Joosh baby 😛
My extremely communicative 21 month old was playing outside when she stopped, looked at me, and said, “Poop.” I asked, “Did you poop?”, and she thought for a second and said, “No, I just farted”.
i lol-ed at this for at least 2 minutes.. haha
I die! That’s hilarious!
A little girl holding a box in a grocery store: Mommy, I LOVE this cereal.
She was holding a box of Beefaroni.
I am almost in tears laughing over this one 😀
My three year old asked me the other night when his baby toe would grow up, like his big toe.
Magical thinking, gotta love it. I asked a 4 year old patient what she wanted to be when she grew up: “um, a penguin”
This is from a friend in reference to their two year old girl. Mom was chewing some ice. Daughter looked into her mouth and asked, “Mommy, are you eating a coffee drop? Are you sick?”
The first christmas I spent with my husbands family, my now 11-year-old nephew was five. He was fixated on my (rather biggish) boobs all night. When I was holding him and he realized that he’d been caught staring, he pointed to my sparrow necklace and said, “I like your bird.”
He’s also rather famous for having a dirty diaper as a two year old and crying, “change me, change me, change me… I love you!”
Caro (21 months), pulling out a red crayon: “Green!”
My boyfriend: “No, that crayon is red.”
Caro, frowning: “Dis green broken.”
When my niece was just lerning to talk but didn’t know her colors yet, she called every color yellow except yellow which she called blue!
When my brother was little, his favourite lolly (candy) was musk sticks (do you have them in the states? They’re shaped like a skinny pink churro) which he called pink sticks. One day my grandma bought him a pack that also had banana flavoured ones – he announced that these were ‘yellow punk sticks!’ He also called knees ‘leg elbows’.
Our friend Mel’s 2.5 year old son Marcus was at our house, playing with our dog Agda, and patted the couch next to him to get her to jump up. His mom said, “Marcus, if you want the dog on the couch, you need to ask first” (meaning, ask if we allow Agda on the furniture) so Marcus looks at the dog and asks very seriously, “Agda, would you like to come up on the couch?”
I just choked on my tea, laughing, and now have tears streaming down my cheeks…SO fantastic and funny!!
When my son was 3 he said (at Thanksgiving dinner) “When I’m six, I’m gonna climb up in a tree and smoke pot!” I honestly don’t know where he heard this, but he is 8 now and still sober. Thank goodness. Lol
My daughter is about to turn 9, but is functionally non-verbal. She mostly just echos things she’s heard off of television or from books. We were at my doctor’s office for my 32 week pregnancy check up. We were listening to the baby’s heart beat when my daughter pipes up with “It sounds like a bag of popcorn.” I was so floored I started crying. My doctor also has a child with autism, and he was equally shocked!
When my son was four, he was pretending to read the phone book to his three-year-old cousin, Alyssa. Quite seriously he pointed at a line and said, “See, Alyssa? See that right there? It says the government doesn’t love you, but it will laugh at you.” Then he noddoed his head earnestly and turned the page.
Oh my goodness. That was hilarious! I want my children to say such epic things.
Once when my younger daughter was still just barely walking, her older sister asked me, “Mom, is (little sister) a Terracotta Warrior?” She had been going through a phase where she would ask if her sister was various things, but that was the most bizarre by far.
I help out in Sunday school, and one day we were learning the story of Jonah. The teacher asked, “Is there anywhere you can go where God can’t find you?” A little boy turned to me and said, “College?”
My 4-year-old nephew’s first joke: “What do you call a horse with no legs? A pile of stuff.” It’s my favorite thing.