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I have a seven-year-old daughter and am pregnant with my second child. I plan on breastfeeding this baby as I did with my first — but I like to keep breastfeeding private. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with breastfeeding in front of others, but I’m just not personally comfortable doing it. I always went into a room or packed bottles if I knew I wouldn’t have a private place to go with my first child, and will likely do the same with my second.Recently a friend was breastfeeding her newborn with her two older children running around, and one of them said something about the baby nursing. It suddenly struck me: how do I deal with my need for privacy while breastfeeding when my older child is around? I don’t think my daughter will be confused or repulsed… I just don’t feel secure enough to nurse in front of her. I’m worried that if I hide breastfeeding it will give my daughter the idea that breastfeeding is wrong or strange, but also that just freely nursing in front of her might cross a boundary line. How have other parents with privacy needs and issues handled breastfeeding around their older children? — Laura
I think your feelings may change over time. I know my 2 year old was a little resentful at times that I was not able to attend or play with him when I was nursing, but there were many, many times when he would feel concern for “his” baby when she was crying and say “baby needs his [sic] leche” while pushing her toward me, and many other times he leaned in to kiss her head while she nursed. Those will be some of my favorite memories of the insane year parenting 2 under 3
I think it’s important to reiterate that there is nothing wrong with not wanting to show parts of your body. Everyone is entitled to the way they feel about things, and I think that as long as you communicate openly to your daughter about breastfeeding and what makes it intimate and special for you, you won’t be sending negative messages. It’s great that some people feel that they can pop a boob wherever, and it’s also great that you feel that you want to keep covered. Everyone’s got their own perspectives, and they’re not necessarily wrong.
I ended up using a nursing cover when nursing my daughter in front of my 10 year old step-son at first, probably the first month. I wasn’t comfortable having myself out in front of him right away, I was still figuring out the breast feeding thing for myself as well. I got some awesome undershirts from undercover mama (they hook right onto the nursing bra) so less flesh exposed. I have a fuller bust as well and didn’t want too much gawking. He’s a great kid, but never fails to comment on things – I didn’t want any comparisons to his mom’s boobs or other such comments. As time went on, my husband and I answered any of my stepsons questions and the nursing cover eventually went away as he just recognized it as feeding. I understand nursing as being private, but also feel you can get those private moments in the late night and early morning feeds with your baby. Between 5 and 6 am became my special one and one time with my newborn when no one else was awake, and I wasn’t as groggy as the middle of the night 🙂
I envy those of you saying you feel comfortable nursing anywhere. I wish I did, but without a cover I really don’t. Except my four month old has just learned to grab, and he keeps grabbing the cover and pulling it over his face. I absolutely feel I should be able to nurse anywhere without it being a big deal, and I know that I have a legal right, but I also know people could have strong feelings about it, and even if they’re in the wrong I don’t want to have to make a political stand and be a lightening rod when I’m just trying to feed my kid.
People keep mentioning nursing tanks under shirts. How does this work? I’ve been pretty much exclusively wearing nursing tanks from Target, but they’re shirts, not undershirts. How would wearing another shirt over them help? Do you put your baby under the other shirt, so it acts as a cover? Wouldn’t that stretch out your other shirt? Is the nursing tank covering your stomach not your breasts? Also, how do you see your baby? What I do like about the nursing cover is that I can easily look down the top and see how my son is doing.
There are simple breastfeeding covers with hoops of rigid plastic in the top which you attach around your neck. So you cover your baby completely and can just look down at them. I thought mine was great. But yes once they`re older they do tend to pull on the cover, gets a bit harder.
Some people use a tank top under their shirts; they pull their breast our of the top (under the shirt!), baby goes under the shirt. I have a ‘generous’ bosom so it wouldn`t work for me but it does for many ladies.
When I’ve done the two-shirt method, the baby isn’t covered but all my skin is. The tank covers my stomach and I pull up the top shirt so it covers my breasts. People can definitely tell you’re nursing, but they can’t see a centimeter of skin. The only skin that’s out is covered by the baby’s mouth.
This might depend on where you live, but I have NEVER had anyone make a disapproving comment or even give a disapproving look while I’ve breastfed in public. Honestly I think most people in public totally ignore babies when they’re not making noise, which a nursing baby certainly isn’t. 😉
Thanks for clarifying! I’m going to try that!
I didn’t think about the whole nursing in front of my oldest child thing until I was actually holding my newborn. At first I did try to stay covered. My older son was five at the time and he already knew what breastfeeding was after seeing my best friend and also my sister-in-law nursing their babies the year before. We had started to create boundaries at home with nudity and I wasn’t completely comfortable with my boob hanging out for him to see. Unfortunately at about a month my baby would no longer nurse under cover. I used nursing tanks and a baggy over shirt when in public to mostly hide myself but before I realized it I wasn’t bothering while at home. Before long I just stopped caring if I just whipped out a tit in front of my five year old. Honestly he never cared or said a word about it. You may find after a bit you are comfortable nursing in front of your daughter. It’s hard to tell until your are actually there in the the moment. Either way you should always do what is most comfortable for you and works for your family.
I’d say just be honest with your older daughter. Maybe try to be around other brestfeeding mamas with your daughter before the baby comes. I’m sure once her questions are answered she will respect your privacy.
OP here- I have been reading all of the response and I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to respond to all of them…I’ve just been so busy! I do appreciate all of the feedback!
So for my own curiosity’s sake, I decided to have a preemptive talk with my daughter about breastfeeding and her thoughts on it. I don’t think shes been around someone, in person, that breastfed and it haven’t really come up in conversations. She says it won’t bother her and said “it’s completely normal, mommy” LOL she blows my mind.
But that still doesn’t make ME feel better or more comfortable in my own skin. I can’t pin-point why exactly I’m uneasy about it…perhaps just because it was difficult the first time so I didn’t feel very confident. But I was curious if any moms with my same issues over-came or if it’s more just something I’ll be forced to deal with and get used to…which seems to be the case since it will be impossible to get privacy for every feeding.
Thanks for all of the help and suggestions!
My daughter also says she wants to be in the delivery room with me! lol
I used a nursing cover around my 6 year old stepson last summer. Maybe other people would have felt it fine to breastfeed in front of a 6 year old boy, but he’s moved into a stage that is (developmentally appropriately) highly concerned with genitalia and boobs– particularly my boobs (because, you know, it’s boobs from someone you know but who is not your mom- fascinating!). This did not make me feel like breastfeeding in front of him with exposed breasts. I just used a nursing cover a friend gave us and it was fine.
Hello Everyone! OP here…and I just wanted to give you an update (because I’m sure you all were loosing sleep over it lol)
My beautiful baby now is now 3 weeks old…and I am happy to say that I am successfully breastfeeding in front of my daughter. I will say that the last few weeks of the pregnancy, my fears and anxiety with breast feeding in general were quite high and I had panic attacks thinking about it. I almost gave up before he was even born. But, I gave it a shot…and while we are still perfecting the act of breast feeding, I suddenly no longer had any fears about doing it in front of my family (daughter and husband). My daughter never even batted an eye at the act and I am feeling more comfortable in my own skin.
Now, breast feeding in front of anyone else or in public still scares me to death….but I can’t win every battle…and I’m satisfied with my outcome. Thanks everyone!
I think you’ve ended up at the too far end of modesty. Try and see some counsellor to regain a healthier level of modesty. You are going to negatively affect your daughter, both re breastfeeding and reasonable ease with her body.
While you can keep to the standard of no uneeded exposure, there are valid situations where it’s practically unavoidable.
First of all your daughter should grow up comfortable to be naked in public female change rooms re swmming and showers. There is nothing more pityable than the minor number of physically normal girls at school swimming who are so scared they fill up the the few toilet cubicles changing. Leaving other female swimmers wondering wether go back and pee in the pool, risk wetting themselves or pee in a shower. Such girls seem nuts to most normal females. Though to be fair some may have been molested.
Secondly, you are setting your daughter up to find any medical exams and treatments as extra anxiety provoking.This can even lead to failing to prevent or deal with critcal health needs when a woman is anxiously avoidant to reveal her body
Finally, breastfeeding is a purposeful reason for breast exposure. Generally exposure in the home amongst females, younger children and spouse. While it is mostly accepted in public, it’s fine to avoid that if preferred.
Ironically your establishing the pathological hang ups sexual abuse victims can have understandably from severe trauma. Possibly even more vulnerable to never disclosing an early attempt by a predator by being too uncomfortable to describe any bodily intrusion.
I sincerley hope you just bottle feed this baby. While breast milk is preferrable for neonates, in most cases formula is plenty good enough. You will give so many negative messages to your daughter since you can’t breatfeed openly; around her, who is another female, a family member, and at home…. so that it’s really best you forget about it. It’s unlikely you would address this aspect soon enough. The other matters can be worked on gradually and continally.
While it’s nice to appear non judgemental over parenting differences, it’s important to be honest and rational. This woman herself put out on the table her dilemma around breastfeeding discomfort infront of her daughter and an intuition that this may be problematic. Sure she’d love some affirmation, deserves that and got it. She aso needs honesty, admitting what is incompatible- her current envisaged mode of breastfeeding, wanting to avoid negative messages etc for her daughter-that equals bottlefeeding or a total turnaround in open unselfconsciouss breasfeeding at home, even when daughter is present( can she do this soon and authentically?).
Secondly, like the modesty for all female situations, is also probably the logical matter to suggest food for thought for her, being both the cause and a related issue.
Being honest in an answer is being respectful of a woman who inquires as assuming she is strong enough and smart enough to evaluate an offered perspective and make whatever use of it as she sees fit.
I understand wanting privacy when you nurse, I like privacy when I nurse. But with my 6 year old daughter hanging around I don’t even think about it. I think it’s great for her to see me openly, freely and comfortably nurse her 1 year old brother in the comfort of our home. If she ever has children I hope she feels comfortable nursing them. I remember my mom nursing all 4 of my younger brothers.
There are things that I have had to get past for her sake so I don’t pass on insecurities to her. Like wearing a bating suit in public. I have to fake confidence in certain situations and it’s all for her. To hopefully not pass down insecurities or create issues out of nothing.
There would be nothing wrong with you nursing in front of her, it’s part of life and having children. However if you don’t feel comfortable with it don’t force it. Everyone deserves to be comfortable when they nurse. Do what works best for you! But you may want to try nursing in front of her and when you see how she barely notices you might just get used to it:)
One thing I was thinking of- you can still talk to your older daughter about breastfeeding and why you chose that option. You can also include a (simplified) version of your own feelings; something along the lines of “there are lots of ways to feed your baby, and what works for me is to breastfeed in private”. If you are comfortable with the idea, maybe asking another nursing mom you know who is more open about feeding sessions to come over will give your daughter a chance to see a baby nursing (again, only if you and the other mom are comfortable with that of course!). I think that mostly a child at that age will just be curious, and if they have a chance to see what this big “unknown” looks like, they’ll probably just be lime “oh, okay!”, And move on to something else 🙂
1st – not that this will be your experience but I’m very modest (no sleeveless shirts) and I still breastfeed in front of my toddler son. It started because I couldn’t find an alternative. But now, I’m so glad I didn’t. I use a nursing tank with a light cardigan or shawl collar drape which gives me the ability to move fabric around to cover me but not use a cover in and of itself. I nursed my son until I was pregnant and so I wasn’t sure what he would remember but he asked and pointed to me and I said, I’m feeding her and this is all she eats. He regularly ignores me but from time to time walks over and asks questions. It’s been great to talk about privacy, body autonomy, body strengths and abilities, body changes (mine of course!) it’s been great! BUT I promised myself I would be unflinchingly honest and try to be a cool cucumber and set limits. It’s gone wonderfully and I hope you get that experience as well.