Beige is the new rainbow: 5 reasons why you should probably tone down your decor palette (APRIL FOOLS!)

Have you guys noticed that lately everyone is OBSESSED with showing off how colorful their homes are? You know what I’m talking about — if I see one more photo of a super colorful living room or painted-against-the-lease-rules apartment, I actually might scream. Few design trends move to me the point of nausea (although octopi are getting close), but colorful living spaces might be it. Here are five reasons why you should go ahead and 86 all the color from your life and return your home to its intended state: beige.

Colors are so trendy right now

You know what I’m sick of? How “in” colorful decor is right now. Everyone is all twee and “look at me! look at me!” about it. I’m totally done with it, because you know what? There is NOTHING worse for me than doing something that other people are doing. If rainbows are in, I’m ready to do something completely different. Trends = death, so I’m ready for a fucking house decor revolution: I’m going all-out with beige. BEIGE EVERYWHERE: walls, flooring, desks, beds, comforters, chairs, accessories: it’s happening. Look at all these shades! I’m fucking jazzed — this is offbeat offbeat.

Why are we trying to prove our personalities through our stuff?

Listen, guys: if your real friends don’t already know how bright and cheery you are just from hanging out with you, they’re probably not your real friends. Why do you need to have red and orange walls to show that you’re basically one big walking exclamation mark? Shouldn’t people just automatically know that from looking at you? You know how you can tell I’m offbeat? Because I stash my weed in this very tasteful Homestead Salt Cellar I acquired from Crate & Barrel.

Colorful homes just aren’t practical

If homes were supposed to be colorful, guess what? THEY WOULD ALREADY BE THAT WAY. Landlords and realtors would paint every wall a screeching shade of yellow or neon green, and there wouldn’t be catalog after catalog of luxurious, comfortable, sensible beige and white decor.

I mean, a rainbow showerhead? This makes me want to barf. My shower time is mine alone: all I need is shampoo, myself, and CRYSTAL CLEAR WATER. Even worse: rainbow flatware! Since when did old-fashioned silver forks stop being good enough for people? I really might throw up now. Honestly, colorful homes are the new outdoor cats: an idea so terrible that you should probably just stop talking about it, before someone calls you out on your privilege and terrible taste.

Colorful decor isn’t even kid-friendly

This recent post I wrote on Offbeat Families about decorating my four-year-old’s room totally icks me out: what was I even thinking? Kids don’t even like color. Can you imagine how horrifically distracting all of those hues and shades probably are for my son?! How is he supposed to focus on becoming the next Einstein if he’s got a million colors jumping out of him from every direction? You guys, I’ve been editing Offbeat Families since 2010 so I’m basically an expert now: trust me when I say kids really just prefer monochromatic spaces and white furniture they can never touch.

We’re not artists, and we should stop pretending we are

Listen, I know why people really have colorful shit all over their homes: they want others to walk in, see everything, and squeal and exclaim over how creative and artiiiistic the dwellers must be. I mean, why else would I go out of my way to amass a huge collection of mis-matched junk if I’m not trying to get some kind of attention for it? I think it’s time we all accept that only a small percentage of us are really artistic, and the rest of us need to stay in our beige and white-colored worlds.

So, who’s with me? Let’s clear out the technicolor and the full-spectrum rainbow-tasticness, reject the color trends, and get so offbeat that we settle right into being back on-beat. Let’s get back to our roots. Let’s get back to beige.

PS: April Fools!