Relationship hack: remind each other you’re still in love even during fights

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#Relationships#communicating#relationship hack

Aaron and me, demonstrating mad faces and tongue sticking outs.
When that guy I married and I get into fights we decided long ago to not forget that we love each other, even when we feel like killing each other. So we made a deal and came up with a little sign we could give each other that says “I’m mad at you, but don’t forget I still love you.” Here’s what we do…

At some point during a fight, one of us will inevitably stick our tongue out at the other one, and then the other responds in kind. If it’s a small fight, sometimes that’s all we need to break it up, pull some levity into the situation, and (ironically) remind us to act like adults. If it’s a big fight, it may not end it, but it definitely works to defuse heated arguing.

Because, it’s seriously hard to continue feeling rage-y at your partner, or your roommate, or your sibling, when they use your secret symbol for “I love you” even when they’re mad at you.

Anyone else with me on this? What’s YOUR super secret “I love you even if I’m mad” sign?

About the Author: Megan Finley Horowitz

@meggyfin @meggyfin

I'm a 40-year-old potty-mouthed writer with late-diagnosed ADHD and a shit-ton of anxiety. I live in my hometown of Los Angeles with a husband, a daughter I never planned on having, and a senior rescue dog. Anything else you need to know can be gleaned from my instagram and my TikTok.

Comments on Relationship hack: remind each other you’re still in love even during fights

  1. When we first stared dating, my fiancee had me listen to Patton Oswalt’s “Doctor Pepper” routine:
    http://youtu.be/muMFTlmoU0Q
    Afterwards I said “whenever we get in an argument in the future, I’m going to say ‘You wouldn’t give a crippled crab a crutch!’ to stop the fight”. so far we’ve only had to use it twice, but it does work to get us to stop arguing ans start laughing our butts off.

  2. Ex-friends of my husband and me told us that we bickered a lot (it’s just what we do) and it was getting uncomfortable. We agreed and therefore we decided to create a safe word that could be used anywhere to stop the bickering or fight in its tracks. The turtle is one of my favorite animals ever. UHF has a hilarious scene with turtles that never fails to crack me up and bring tears to my eyes:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pb8C7dxTGRM

    Therefore our word is turtles and it just resets our brain to undo the communication breakdown. This isn’t just for little squabbles – we’ve used this for full on drop down, drag out blowouts and it really works. It reminds us that we love each other and we also need to respect ourselves, each other, and to not subject outsiders to our craziness.

    • My brother/sister-in-law have friends who fight in front of them all the time. It is super uncomfortable for them. They haven’t said anything to them directly about it yet though. Thank for you listening and trying something different.

  3. This is more a personal hack for preventing arguments, but it’s worked well for me. When I get stressed or am PMSing, I tend to get “cranky” and snap at my fiance–we are long-distance, so that feeds into it. So what I do is keep a little book with a list of all the stuff he does to show me he loves me. Big stuff–he asked me to marry him–as well as little stuff–he sent me a sweet good-morning text. My rule is that whenever I start feeling “cranky” I have to get the book out and read the entire list and then add five new things to it. It’s a great reset button and it helps so much because it refocuses me on just how awesome he is, and keeps me from getting too worked up over the fact that he hasn’t texted me back in three hours (or whatever).

    • Argh, I have this too. I have a box of little bits of paper that I’ve scribbed happy memories onto from our relationship. When I’m tired/annoyed/upset with my partner, I’ll go through the box. I keep it up the top of my wardrobe so it is handy. It helps.

  4. Just had this discussion last night! Wow. Timing! Our plan is to hug or for me to sit on my partner’s lap when we want to say something to each other that is hard to say, might hurt them, etc. I have found that this really helps to not take what they are saying the wrong way and I don’t end up feeling attacked. Works for us.

  5. My hubby and I say “rawrs” to each other. It came from a t-shirt we saw online a while back that says “Rawrs is dinosaur for I love you”

    http://mediacdn.snorgcontent.com/media/catalog/product/r/a/rawr_fullpic_army_1.jpg

    It’s cute, and no one outside of us (and now the offbeat homies) really understands why we say “Rawr” to each other all the time. Also, it’s pretty hard for us to say that without laughing a bit, even when we’re both a bit ticked.

  6. In the car once, while arguing, I randomly yelled “Pastry shop!” and pointed out the window. We both started cracking up. At the time, we were really into finding bakeries and trying out their cookies and we’d just driven by a new one. We still say it to each other randomly, but it would be a great fight interrupter.

  7. My finace and I both had really bad previous relationships. So we make sure to end every fight with an “I love you” so the other knows it is just a fight and not a breakup. It’s also good for those awkward pauses.

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