I’ve always been quite comfortable with who I am as a person. I like myself. I like other people (for the most part) and I’m very proud to be a woman.
When I accidentally on purpose became pregnant, my other half and I were over the moon. We had some wider family stuff going on at the time that necessitated keeping it quiet for the solid three months but we literally couldn’t wait to let people know that our awesome little family of two was going to get a new member of the gang. We were secretly high fiving each other all the time.
I love being pregnant. I’ve been lucky, it’s all been pretty smooth. As a disabled woman it was the physical aspects of being preggo that I worried about the most. So when my identity as a woman and a mother suddenly became public property it took me a little by surprise.
I remember when the advice started — I was about three months in and I had just told my mum. Within seconds of a rather cursory congratulations she said “I guess you’ll have to stop wearing tight clothing now.” I thought she meant because I wouldn’t be able to fit into them anymore; she meant that tight clothing was bad for the baby. Me and my other half had a bit of a giggle over it and thought nothing of it. Then I got bigger and the pregnancy became more obvious…
“Don’t eat honey, the baby will get botulism.”
“Get rid of the cats, they sleep on the heads of babies.”
“I guess you’ll be giving up work now then?”
“Uncross your legs, it cuts off blood flow to the placenta.”
“You won’t be able to dye you hair for a while.”
“We probably won’t be friends any more once you have the baby.”
Erm, what now!? Since when did becoming pregnant make it acceptable for one woman to dictate to another woman how they should and shouldn’t behave with their own bodies? After 30 years of being an intelligent woman who ran her own business, I suddenly developed a crisis of identity. Was I hurting my baby!?
I’ve got access to Google, I know how to find information, but women were suddenly crossing the street to approach and reproach me at the bus stop about the caffeine in my can of Coke. I thought the world had gone mad!
I left the music festival because it was too loud: Untangling the threads of a impending offbeat mama identity crisis
My identity as an electronic music fan (yes, ok fine: raver) dates back to 1996. But things shifted when I got pregnant.
I guess my point in all of this is about how becoming a parent may change your function slightly as an adult in the wider world, but it doesn’t change who you are as a person. Well, it does, but only in that yummy holistic “I’m having a new experience” kind of way.
Starting a family is lush — with only a few weeks left I cannot wait to meet the mini person that will hopefully acquire all our positive traits and grow up to be someone truly exciting. I have been saddened by how some family and friends have reacted with such obvious dismay to the expansion of my identity and it took me a while to seperate their baggage from my own. Some people seem to feel that my pregnancy impacts how they define themselves as people.
Something about the pregnancy as public property thing seems to make it culturally acceptable to unload. But in all of this I remain as me — just a bit rounder and with a few extra responsibilities. I hope other women out there feel the same.
I feel like it gets worse after having the baby too. When I was pregnant I was in research and broadcast mode, so I actually enjoyed telling people who asked why i was making certain dietary choices.
After the baby, my ability to be a know it all died and my confidence died with it. If I had a nickel for every time someone told me “oh, you’ll just get tired eventually and have to give the baby formula,” I’d be a rich woman.
Pregnant or postpartum, people need to realize that women in these stages are uniquely vulnerable, and such comments HURT.
I feel like the odd one out but I haven’t dealt with much unsolicited advice at all while pregnant or since having a child. I do work in a predominantly male office though, so they probably didn’t have much to add. I did have a client tell me I have to buy my daughter a pony once 🙂
Me too! (the mostly male office) Also, I must be crazy because I really LOVE all the random “rude” things people say. It’s hilarious and wonderful. Plus it’s fun to tell the story later. “Guess what someone said!” I love the bra story in the previous comment!
This sounds like a game show: Pregnancy Obstacle Course! Get from the house to the bus stop while avoiding strangers with rude and/or inappropriate remarks on their lips!
I’m not pregnant, nor have I been, but I’m imagining all of the fun/sarcastic responses my friends and family would give to strangers like this on my behalf before I could even dive in. Oh, that’ll be a hoot.
I kind of feel like this post warning against being judgmental is becoming a lot judgmental in the comments. It’s wonderful that some of you never felt criticized during your pregnancies, but I don’t think it’s right to tell those who were that they shouldn’t feel judged. Everybody deals with things differently, I don’t think I’m overly sensitive but I think my business is my business. Also people are starting to pick apart each others “statistics” and doing a lot of “but you really should or shouldn’t do this”…just kind of proving the point of the post, I guess!
I’m in the process of cleaning up some of it as we speak. 🙂
:0) whoops, oh the irony…
I’ve got a pretty thick skin and if I’m honest, I was rarely offended by any of the actual comments. What I found absolutely infuriating was that my ever rounding belly suddenly made it culturally acceptable to say things that usually your brain would filter before it left your mouth. :0) I can only compare it to being in a nightclub and having someone ignore you and start conversing with your breasts. This felt the same. Suddenly my belly developed this gravitational pull that pulled eye gaze and distorted brain function in some people. Can you imagine your response if someone crossed the road to tell you your skirt was too short or that they didn’t like your tatts!? Fuck that! You’d be outraged. :0) It’s all about boundaries.
These are a couple of my favorites that I got:
Coworker: Don’t lift your arms above your head–the umbilical will get knotted up!
Random man at Fresh Choice, commenting on the cheese on my potato: You shouldn’t eat that much cheese–that many calories is bad for the baby!
My baby might be made up of 50% cheese. So I hope not!
I loved this! It has been many years since I’ve had a baby, but I clearly remember having to shop for hurricane supplies with a 4 day old baby back in 1995. While we were home and in a babymoon phase, we had not even realized a hurricane was bearing down on us in Florida! By the time a polite friend inquired, “Uhhhh, why haven’t you boarded up your windows yet?” the darned storm was less than 12 hours away. I had to go to the store; so not only did I get to experience the ghetto mentality of hurricane shoppers out to get the last bag of cheetos and the last 6 pack of Bud, I did it with a newborn! And yes, there were smart assed comments about how stupid I was to be out with the baby. And I thought “and if they saw me on the news on the roof of my house holding her, they’d say, She’s so stupid, why didn’t she go shopping!” You can’t win, so don’t even bother trying!
I know it can be a bit much all the advice and questions when you are pregnant, but I thought of it differently when I was pregnant. For most of the world’s history and in many current cultures of the world, people are not so independent and on their own. Women don’t raise children by themselves in a single family house. They had/have their family, their “tribe” to help them and guide them along the way.
It seems that people still have that instinct, to help you when you are pregnant and have little ones. I was always amazed how nice people were to me. I’d step in an elevator and everyone would smile at me. Same with after the baby was born. People stop to help open doors, etc.
As it’s been so long for me, I guess I’ve forgotten the snarky comments I got from self-righteous people and instead remember how incredibly interconnected I felt at that time.
Maybe it would help you if you looked for the kindness behind their words, and their desire to help, even though you are clearly independent and capable all on your own.
I work in a smaller retail chain store, but see hundreds of people a day. Unsurprisingly, I see quite a few pregnant women. Sometimes it can be SO hard not to ask all the questions “when are you due? boy or girl? do you have a name picked?” etc. But then I just remember that one day I hope to be lugging around that big belly, and I know I don’t want to be hounded by a total stranger about personal information that is none of their business so I only talk about someone’s pregnancy if they bring it up first. I’ve also wondered how hard it would be to work in a retail setting while pregnant. Never mind the potential physical difficulties, but what about the constant questions and customers I see often who would want updates? Anybody dealt with this?
I didn’t deal with any judgment while pregnant, but I remember when I worked in retail I shared with one of my regular customers that I was leaving my job to move away and move in with my long term boyfriend. She proceeded to LECTURE me very sternly and use all sorts of cow/milk for free metaphors. I responded calmly and just said, “Thanks for your concern, but I am sticking to my choices.” And leave it at that. And I love OBB’s “Thanks, but I’m not soliciting opinions right now.”
I’m not even pregnant yet and it has already started. I was discussing with co-workers who already had kids, and I said that I was starting to feel ready for a baby (I’m 29). I am goth, but a very tame, work-appropriate version (what they call a CorpGoth in the subculture). If anything, I just look like someone who really likes black. Well, one of those ladies said: “But when you become a mommy, you’ll have to stop dressing all in black like that!” Um, ok, I didn’t know there was some forbidden colors for moms! Thanks for telling me!
For me, it’s not just the advice about being pregnant – the comments about my body bother me more. Especially because they’re usually along the lines of, “You’re getting SO BIG!” or “Wow, you’re really showing already!”
There is no other time when it’s socially acceptable to comment on a woman’s body like this. It makes me CRAZY.
Totally agree. The body comments were the hardest for me as well. Especially coming from male work colleagues whom I’d maybe spoken to twice before, one telling me I was ‘really showing now’ and the other calling me tubby loudly in the main hallway at work. Some people really do think that it’s ok to say whatever they want to pregnant people. On a different note: I know someone who had a baby with meningitis and a woman at church told her it was God punishing her because she travelled abroad too much during pregnancy. I was horrified that anyone could be that cruel.