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Kids are notorious for saying all kinds of random shit — the show Kids Say the Darndest Things didn’t exist for no reason. My own son had us literally LOLing recently, so I shared what he said on the Offbeat Mama Facebook page:
The other day our three-year-old told us: “When I grow up I’m going to drink wine. When you grow down you can drink juice.”
I thought it would be fun to open the topic up for discussion… and here are some of your favorite one or two-liners from your own offspring!
Jessi A.: ”If you see a dinosaur, you need to RUN” and when asked why a frog might play dead (in our fish tank) “Because that’s his choice and he can do it if he wants to” — both by my four-year-old niece
Karen W.: This morning as my just eight-year-old started asking about how his aunt and uncle were going to go about making a baby, I explained that would be something he’d know a bit later… He said “I still think the baby comes out of your belly button!” I said “Well, they grow in a woman’s belly but have to exit through the bottom exit,” and he yelled “I CAME OUTTA YOUR FEET???”
Heather U.: (as I’m getting out of bed in the early AM) my three-year-old says to me…”Woah momma… your hair looks rid-dic-u-wus… your still bee-ti-ful to me though.”
Kelly M.: Not my kid, but a cousin: “You know what you see when you look in the mirror? Yourself, in 20 years, when you’re a grandmom.” I should clarify that the target of the statement doesn’t currently have any kids.
Candice L.: My four-year-old told me while we were eating breakfast a month ago: “Mom, I love girls. But, don’t worry, my sister will like boys” I laughed so hard. The way she said it, so serious.
Mich C.: ”It’s raining hard, I don’t want my eyebrows to get wet” — said in a very serious manner by a three-year-old boy.
Let’s keep it going! What are your favorite things that have come out of your kiddo’s mouth?
I am a preschool teacher and one day while we were outside on the playground my assistant teacher (looking up into the sky at an airplane) said longingly “I wish I was on that plane!” and a 3 year old boy very seriously responded “Oh no no no, you are much too large for that” hahaha that one gets me every time I think about it!
My 3yo son regularly tells myself and his grandmother (Yaya) that he likes our faces.
His recent response to what his favorite color was? “Waffle.” (To be fair, yellow is his favorite color.)
I did a lot of babysitting when I was in high school. One day one of the kids asked me how old I was. I told her I’d be 17 next week. She responded with, “Oh. So how old are you now?”
This same child also strongly insisted once, “That’s not what teenagers do!!!!” When I asked what they actually do she replied, “NOTHING!”
oh where to start with my three year old niece, One day she shouts in the car “what is invisible and smells like peanuts? . . . to get to the other slide!”
she combined the first line (answer-elephant toots) with another joke punchline (why did the chicken cross the playground) and thought it was the funniest joke ever.
also, she calls my mother (her grandma) her “BIFFLE” – how she verbalized Best Friend For Life.
and she misheard my last name “Larson” as “awesome” so now we are aunt and uncle awesome, which is, well, awesome!
I am so jealous and will immediately be insisting my nieces and nephews refer to me as Aunt Awesome.
One of my nieces was taught by her mother to call our sister Auntie Favorite. Cute and appropriate since she is our niece’s godmother but it hurt before she was old enough to tell me that Auntie Favorite and I are her favorite Aunties.
upon learning the Christian truths of easter my 7 year old son says “WOW! Jesus was born on holiday AND died on a holiday?! He’s so lucky…”
I think i’ll be telling that story for many many Easters yet to come.
One day at work (kindergarten) there was a very conservative dresses muslim father picking up his child. He was clad in long white robes had a long beard and looked kinda grumpy.
This was really interesting for the 2 year olds I was with and when the man passed us one little girl piped up:
“Maybe it’s Santa claus?”
This reminded me of the time when, on a visit to the big city aquarium, we saw a pair of women dressed in head-to-toe robes with shawls over their heads. My two year old was so excited to see REAL ghosts, out in the daytime!
When my son was about 3 he said ‘when I grow up I am going to be a woman’
This apparently is common for children before they understand the biological realities of gender. It is not to be taken as a sign that your child is gender dysphoric!
My nephew Charlie, then 3 and a half, was at a wedding reception and was in a bad mood with his Mum (my sister). One of their male friends in an attempt at commiseration, said to Charlie “Women, can’t live with them, can’t live without them.”
To which he replied “But without women, there wouldn’t be babies.” Male friend says “Yes, I guess you’re right.”
Thinking a little, Charlie then says “And without women, there wouldn’t be any boobies either!”
When I was little I was running around the house naked and my dad told me to get some clothes on my butt. I turned around, put my hands on my hips and said, “Boys have butts, girls have boo-tays.” And then I marched into my room. My parents have no idea where I came up with the term, but we all still refer to my bottom as a boo-tay.
I frequently update my Facebook with what I call “Loganisms” things my quirky youngest son says. My favorites:
“The thing about windmills is: they can CHOP YOU UP! To get up a windmill, you need a ladder. And to get back down? A ladder again.”
“I know what alligators eat. They eat cat food. And people food. And people.”
“Want to hear my favorite joke:
Why did the elephant sit on the fence?
It’s time to get a new fence!”
It’s kind of like Shit My Dad Says, but with a little kid.
My mom likes to constantly tell people some of my funny ones from when I was younger:
On the way home from our cottage (which is a 3 hour drive- a long time for a kid), we were probably about 1/2 hour away and I yelled “Are we back in our world yet?”
One day I announced I knew the French alphabet and began reciting: ah, buh, cee, deh, euh…
I had two pet hamsters at one point and I built this elaborate playground in a cardboard box. I had to leave my room for some reason and left a younger girl (very timid and afraid of the hamsters)whom my mom was babysitting to watch the hamsters. When I returned they had escaped. My mom was furious and ask why I left them and I quickly defended myself with “I left Laura in charge!”. She still thinks it’s hilarious.
I’m a reception teacher and have had a ton of great ones over the years – the ones that come to might right now:
“I haven’t never seen a pirate…I think they must be extinct!”
When I return from a short tea-break I find a group of children discussing what would happen to me if I didn’t get my tea – best answer “I think she would dry out like a frog.”
Whilt re-telling the very hungry caterpillar as a class we all start “On monday he ate through one…” then choose a child to finish the sentence – first respons “sphere!” – he was super confident with the answer too.
Will probably remember more soon. Love this post, you all have some awesome memories. We have a book for my mum of silly stuff she says. Will def have to have one for my kids when I have them.
My oldest nephew, (8years) old just recently got a new baby brother and a few cousins…He told his father he was planning on getting the babies sticks and clubs and they will be his minions.
My GF has 3 kids, 2 little boys and one younger daughter. One day while she was changing the daughters diaper, her youngest son was watching and asking his mom “Mommy? Why does she have two butts?”
my friend`s 2 year old and his dad (translated from french)
dad- what sound does a cat make?
kid- meow meow!
dad- what sound does a bird make?
kid- chirp chirp!
dad- what sound does mom make?
kid- NO NO NO!
(cue eyerolling from my friend the mom)
This one is from some dear friends of mine little boy was about 5 years old. They had gotten some take out chinese food and had some soy sauce packets that had pictures of pandas on them. The Dad put some of the soy sauce on the son’s food. The son took a bite and promptly said “Mmmmm tastes like Panda!”
I teach preschool- so many to choose from!
The other day one kid said to another teacher, “You know why I don’t like summer? Because Daddy Longlegs [spiders] pee on me. They have penises, you know.”
One morning I was playing with that same kid and I spilled my coffee. His response?
“Know what I spilled this morning?”
“No, what?”
“Nothing.”
My middle son came home from kindergarten one day very frustrated. “Mom, they’re teaching me the wrong things!” he complained. I asked him to clarify: “Well, first they told me “A” says “uh” (a cat). Now they tell me “U” says “uh” (up). He was so serious. It was hilarious!
A friend and I were on a walk and her 7 yr old son was riding his bike with us and kept riding into the street.
My girlfriend yelled “KOBE! Get out of the street. Despite what you think I can not protect you from everything” He looked at her puzzled and I reaffirmed her statement.
“Kobe, if you dart in front of a car Mommy can’t stop the car”
And he said “She could if she was driving the car!”
We couldn’t argue with that!
My little babysittee, when he was two, staggered around saying “Ohh, my body, ohhhhh my body!” when he was sad that his parents had left.
Also, my mother tells me that when I was two, when an animal got into the squash patch, I exclaimed, “There was just a LITTLE bit of flesh left clinging to the rind!”
I’m not a parent, but I have plenty from my babysitting/swim instructor/childcare days…
When I was in high school, I was staying with a family friend while my parents were out of town. Their son, who was about five at the time, had come into my bedroom in the morning for a chat. He asked me if I was going to get up, and I said, “Yes, but I’m going to need some privacy.” He cocked his head and said, “I don’t know where we keep it!” Cheeky.
When I taught swimming lessons, there was developmentally disabled boy who was in many of my classes. For most of the time that I taught him he was non-verbal, but then one day he started talking (which was awesome!) Before his verbal skills developed, when he was upset he could get a bit rough, but when he began talking he would shout, “NO THANK YOU”. It was great because, hey, I prefer that over being flailed into by a boy who is way stronger than he looks, but also because the way he said it was SO. SERIOUS. and it always made me smile.
A little boy at one of the preschools I worked at piped up one day, “When I grow up, I’m going to have little boobies like Daddy. Not big boobies like Mummy.” Well okay then.
Childless at the time, my husband and I were visiting friends who had recently had a baby and had 2 young children. The three year old boy was sitting on my lab, and suddenly patted my boobs, saying admiringly, ‘You must have lots of milk!’
I had a little neighbor girl (4 yrs) tell me because I had boobs, I must be pregnant. I politely told her I was positive I was not
I have a tonne of nieces and nephews so trying to pick the best of all the mental things they’ve ever said is hard. One that sticks in my head was when I was telling my then 7 year old niece that I was thinking about writing a children’s novel and she replied that books were dead and I should just jump straight to children’s television. OBVIOUSLY, I’d have to change my hair and the way I dress, but not to worry, she could help me with that. This is the same child who when she caught chickenpox at the age of two was found by my sister, stripped down to only her nappy, looking at her spots in the mirror and sobbing “Poor, poor me, I not a princess anymore”.
Though my favourite thing any child has said EVER has to by my friend’s 7 year old turning to her recently and saying “Mum, sometimes women find me uncomfortably good looking”. Utter legend.
I was home visiting once for Thanksgiving, which is always awkward since only my sister and 6 year old nephew liked me, and I ruined Thanksgiving dinner by not being quick enough to cover my sneeze and projectile bloody nosing the casseroles. My nephew very seriously pointed at me and said “Aunt Stephanie, those are your capillaries bleeding.” Laughing made things worse.
My niece was three years old and usually quite a quiet child, however she was close to me and would spend hours bring me her toys and showing them to me.
One weekend during our family brunch, her grandfather, recently widowed, brought a date – Pam. Amber’s(my niece)father was not happy about it and Amber could pick up on it. During the brunch Amber did her usual routine of telling me about each of her toys. Pam turned to Amber at one point and said,
“My aren’t you a chatter box?”
Amber turned around to look at her, the biggest scowl on her face, her hands on her hips and said:
“I’m NOT a chatter box … I don’t have a lid!”
and then, of course, there’s fun with gender!
after much discussion and consideration (and hilarity) one day, the kid acknowledged that boys could have long hair and girls short, and boys could wear dresses and still be boys. but, fortunately, he was sure that he could still tell if he had to, because “boys wear underpants and girls wear panties.” at which point my wife told him about her batman underpants she was wearing. poor kid.
or when the other kid was trying to get the best man gig at our wedding:
“She can’t be the best man. I’ll be the best man. The best man can’t be a girl.”
My wife leans over, “Can i tell you a secret? The groom’s a girl, too.”
“Yeah, *you’re* the groom,” accompanied by a perfect nine-year-old what the hell does that have to do with anything? look.