Posted by
Kids are notorious for saying all kinds of random shit — the show Kids Say the Darndest Things didn’t exist for no reason. My own son had us literally LOLing recently, so I shared what he said on the Offbeat Mama Facebook page:
The other day our three-year-old told us: “When I grow up I’m going to drink wine. When you grow down you can drink juice.”
I thought it would be fun to open the topic up for discussion… and here are some of your favorite one or two-liners from your own offspring!
Jessi A.: ”If you see a dinosaur, you need to RUN” and when asked why a frog might play dead (in our fish tank) “Because that’s his choice and he can do it if he wants to” — both by my four-year-old niece
Karen W.: This morning as my just eight-year-old started asking about how his aunt and uncle were going to go about making a baby, I explained that would be something he’d know a bit later… He said “I still think the baby comes out of your belly button!” I said “Well, they grow in a woman’s belly but have to exit through the bottom exit,” and he yelled “I CAME OUTTA YOUR FEET???”
Heather U.: (as I’m getting out of bed in the early AM) my three-year-old says to me…”Woah momma… your hair looks rid-dic-u-wus… your still bee-ti-ful to me though.”
Kelly M.: Not my kid, but a cousin: “You know what you see when you look in the mirror? Yourself, in 20 years, when you’re a grandmom.” I should clarify that the target of the statement doesn’t currently have any kids.
Candice L.: My four-year-old told me while we were eating breakfast a month ago: “Mom, I love girls. But, don’t worry, my sister will like boys” I laughed so hard. The way she said it, so serious.
Mich C.: ”It’s raining hard, I don’t want my eyebrows to get wet” — said in a very serious manner by a three-year-old boy.
Let’s keep it going! What are your favorite things that have come out of your kiddo’s mouth?
My nephew turned to my husband and said ” did you know, my dad is my dad?” We both cracked up!
we often joke about the kiddo who was relaying a story of how he got in trouble at school because he said “the fuck word.”
When I was 4 and my brother was 3, I had done something to make him mad, apparently. He got really angry and yelled:
“You’re a MEANIE, BRAT… DUMMY… SMOKER!”
(he had just learned that smoking was bad for you, so therefore a “smoker” was somebody who was bad in his little mind!).
Apparently my mom had a hard time containing her laughter. We STILL use it as a family insult to this day! haha!
One of my dear friends shared THE BEST story ever. When her then two-year old daughter starts to tantrum because she doesn’t want to co-operate with doing things, she says “where’s my co-operative girl? This isn’t her”, and normally she stops and takes a breather and sorts herself out. One day she yelled back “SHE’S GONE”. My friend had to walk away to keep from laughing hysterically. It’s one of my favourite things this kid has ever yelled.
When I was 5, I yelled out “FUCK YOU” in the middle of Sunday school. Totally out of context. My poor mother dragged me out by my ears.
One morning I was sitting with my then barely 2 year old eating breakfast. She turned to me and said “Would you please stop fucking around?” I asked her “What?!” three times, since I was completely dumbfounded and thought I must have misheard, but she clearly said it 3 more times.
This morning I asked her to close a cabinet door next to her head because she might bump it. She answered “Yeah, I might bump my head” Then proceeded to bang her head against it a bunch of times and concluded “That was a great idea!”
I loved reading all of these so far. I hope people keep ’em coming.
My daughter is 4 and blind, one day someone made a fart noise with their mouth to which she promptly yelled “mouthfart!” later in the grocery store someone actually passed gas to which she yelled “Mouthfat! ….no REAL fart!” followed by maniacal laughter
Haha, you just reminded me that my husband had a friend with a baby girl who is blind and she’d be running around laughing and playing. People were holding her and she’d be all smiley, then my husband would hold her and she froze then started WAILING away. The second she was in another person’s arms she was laughing and smiling again. Now he’s afraid that when we have kids they’ll hate him.
Ohhhh, so many to choose from my daughter (who will be 4 in June). When she asked me to explain what being bossy meant, and I said stuff about always telling people what to do, she replied ‘But Mummy, you boss me around’ Uh oh – rumbled!
Yesterday, she walked into the room with a plastic tub over her teddy’s head and informed me: ‘This is called a face roundabout’
And a good Offbeat one from last week: ‘Mummy, my friends can be the Ramones and we can sing the Spiderman song’
The other day I had my 3 yr old son on the potty and I walked away for a minute. He started yelling for me and I asked him what was up. He proceeded to say “Mommy! Look! My pee pee is getting bigger! I played with it to make it long like Daddy’s!!” I couldn’t stop laughing. Then he got upset because he couldn’t pee so I told him to leave his penis alone and he yelled at me “I don’t have a penis.. I have a PENISAURUS!!” and he would make it move and “bounce” while yelling roar.. I can’t wait to tell his future wife all of this stuff…
I have a three year old boy too, and can totally imagine such a sight. This is awesome.
My 13 year old son recently said something about “being well endowed”. I said “you know that means you have a big penis….right?” The color drained from his face and he yelled “I thought
that meant you had a lot of money! I even said it to one of my teachers
today!”
Oh man, I would have loved to be a fly on the wall when he informed his teacher that he was well-endowed. I’m dying.
My youngest son aged 4: “Mummy, do wasps and bees have eyebrows? Because if they don’t, how do we know if they’re grumpy?!”
Aren’t they always grumpy?
I got in trouble when I was about nine when my kindergarten aged little sister brought home a friend that was a boy. Naturally, all of us siblings teased her relentlessly, but I got in BIG trouble when I said to my brother, “Come on, let’s leave them alone so they can HAVE SEX!” I had no idea what this meant except that it was something boyfriends and girlfriends did sometimes. Whoops! My mom was livid, but I guess that serves her right for not explaining things to us at all. 🙂
When my three year old was asked how he was doing by a girlfriend of mine, he replies, “I’m livin'”.
I’m not sure how to take that. . .
When my cousin and I were toddlers, we were going through the “mine” stage, saying that everything was “mine”. One day we were in the car, claiming various things as “mine,” and this happened:
“Mine lake.”
“No, mine lake!”
“Mine clouds.”
“No, mine clouds!”
silence…
“MINE DIARRHEA!”
Our moms have no idea why one of us yelled that, especially because it’s not something you’d want!
My then 4-year-old cousin sees a cigar store Indian.
Her: What is that?
Her dad: It’s an Indian.
Her: Like Apu from The Simpsons?
A two year old I babysat wanted me to say something into his tape player that had a microphone. I babbled on about something and he stopped me, “No. You have to give your testimony.”
my friends kid, then maybe three, had a bad day. we took a walk and she was so grumpy, i picked a flower and said it was for her to make her happy. she answered “i don´t want it” at first, then thought about it and said “gimme the flower, i want to throw it away. i want to throw all flowers away.”
of course her mom and me laughing hysterically didn´t make things better…
this has become a frequent saying in our house: i feel so miserable, i want to throw ALL flowers away.
This reminds me so much of Hyperbole and a Half
While at the store the other day, I heard a Dad say to his young daughter, “Ok, let’s go find Mom”. And the little girl said, “Maybe we should look for her on the princess aisle”
I have a six year old niece. And instead of saying “what the fuck” or “what the hell” she says “what the heck balls!”. We didn’t know where she got it, but her 13 year old sister says that she watches a show where a teacher says “what the hair balls” and she just misheard hair. This little girl also likes to quote Invader Zim at random times and when we people are talking about being mad or sad, she goes up to them and says “it’s time for total annihilation” as calm as she possibly can.
Um… Invader Zim child is awesome 🙂
I’m pregnant, and this whole thread is giving me so many ideas of things to deliberately teach my kid to say, and I don’t know who Invader Zim is, but “It’s time for total annihilation” is at the top of my list so far. Hilarious!
Get your child invader zim – we should all have children that walk around singing ‘doom doom doom doom DOOM-DO-DOOM!’
I recently met the guy who does the voice of Zim at a convention who kindly recorded a birthday message for our friends’ 5 yr old. she was SO EXCITED that Invader zim wished ‘his favourite wormbaby’ a ‘PITIFUL BIRTHDAY MWAHAHAHAHA!’ best. ever.
My 20 month old doesn’t have a big vocabulary yet, so no funny phrases, but it’s always funny (and kinda embarrassing) when we’re out in public and he shouts, “COCK!” (truck)
Ha! This was son’s word for cracker for the longest time. It was always lovely to be out in public and have him ask quite adamantly for “cock”. He never had to ask twice for that snack!
Haha, I have a few about kids we know (we don’t have our own as yet).
-Our 6-year-old niece was looking out the car window while we were driving. Then, out of nowhere, she turned to me and said, very seriously, “You know… I have bionic eyes.”
-A friend of mine is currently pregnant, and also has a two-year-old daughter. She and her husband asked the toddler what they ought to name her new sister, and she immediately replied, “Penis Elmo.”
Same niece as mentioned in the post:
Last year I was driving past a protest rally for something I REALLY disagreed with the protesters about. I flipped them off in my usual style, forgetting that my niece was in the car. She quickly piped up “Auntie, why are you sticking your finger out the window at those people?” (She knows that flipping people off means you’re mad at them- my sister and brother in law don’t really censor themselves, which is good because I forget to do so often). “Because, sweetie, those people want to tell me what to do, even though I’m a grown up and can decide for myself.” “Like go to bed?” she asks “No, like rules about body” Knowing that bodies are very important and personal, she quips “Well they can’t tell ME what to do with MY body either!” and she ‘sticks her finger out at them’ and sticks out her tongue, too.
I was slightly embarrassed by the four year old flipping the bird, but pretty proud as a feminist. My sister was too, and couldn’t stop laughing when I told her.
My 5 year old, drinking orange juice: “Mmm. Beer.”
Also: “Daddy drinks coffee and beer and mommy drinks wine”
Miss 5, over dinner: “Mummy! Use your manners and say ‘Excuse me’. What if I was having a party with lots of my friends and you burped like that?! It would be soooo embarassing!”
Miss 3 has recently discovered potty humour because I giggle every time she races through the house shrieking out “Imma go toilet and make stinky bananas for the fishies!”
When I was about four or five, my parents heard me moving about early in the morning. Dad went to check on me. Mom overheard the following conversation on the baby monitor.
Me: Daddy, what’s a paleontologist?
Dad: What??
Me: It’s a scientist who studies dinosaurs!
Dad: Sarah, it’s six o’clock in the morning. Go back to sleep.
Ugh, I can’t believe I’m telling this story, but…
When I was a kid I heard the word “gang-bang” used (in the movie Grease) and had no idea what it meant. I thought it meant a big fight.
So while in church one day, my brother and his friends were late to service and my mother’s friend leans over and asks me, “Where are the boys?” I cheerily replied, “I don’t know.. probably outside gang-bangin’!”
All I remember of a reaction is her saying, “I… I hope not,” and then leaving me alone.
I recently announced my pregnancy to my 6 yr old nephew. His reply to this was “Aunt Nini, i hope you have either a boy or a girl.” I could only agree with him. Man he cracks us up regularly.