How to get the perfect body in ONE step

It’s August. And if I see one more indirectly-aimed-at-me post about ab-blasting, like this:

Hey you! Worried about summer 2018 already? You should be! Your disgusting meat sack carcass didn’t even meet the requirements for 2017. To use a traditional Dublin term: Scarleh for yer ma for having ya (translation: I’m embarrassed for your mother having even birthed you).

Luckily, good news for the “healthier” ladies amongst us. Guess what! Boobs as a fashion accessory are back in! So maybe next summer you won’t have to tape down the girls to accentuate your waist and highlight your Kardashianesque backside. The stock holders of all those butt padding companies are already sweating (as should you be, ya big chunk, you!).

I swear I am just going to rage eat a bag of donuts! (They come in bags here. I know, it’s like they don’t even appreciate the art of donuts, sponsor me.)

Real talk for a second: Can your body get you up around without severe pain? Is it cancerous? Is it riddled with hereditary diseases that impede your day-to-day life? Are you happy with your appearance in any way shape or form? Well, guess what: Then you’re winning. And even if you have any of the listed above, guess what? Your body is still fighting to counteract those things for itself and for you.

I’m writing this because I just can’t anymore. But, actually you know what, I CAN even, and I need to say it…

Your body as you are experiencing it right now, even in your off white underwear and tank top possibly covered in a delicate layer of Doritos dust, is a feat of evolutionary wonderment. Your heart (I require you to place your hand on your chest right now) that heart, that dull thud you’re experiencing right this second, well that dull thud, according to Google, that precious organ began thumping its little chant for you a day after your the condom broke and your parents thought it was fine. A day. One day! That heart has been rooting for you since before your eyeballs existed. That beautiful little blood chucking muscle was been “thub-thubbing” for you since before your mama even knew you were there. It predates your brain. Love it. Mind it. Feel it. Trust it.

As for the rest of you, you have bones to support you, a brain making you “you,” muscles to kick ass left, right, and centre, eyes to see, and a voice — a voice that needs to be heard more. Heard louder and stronger than ever. Why?

Because there is a multibillion dollar industry ($445 billion to be exact) out there making bank from telling you that your body is not enough and by association that you are not enough. And we are buying it.

Frankly, fuck that.

There are entire businesses geared towards telling you you’re not thin enough, your butt isn’t big enough, your cheekbones aren’t prominent enough, your eyebrows are terrible, your skin is awful and your lips, well… here, have a “lip kit” for $39. Thanks.

Now, I am not here to bash people’s choices. Let me be honest: I love makeup. I love what it does for me, I love playing around with it. I’m currently, right at this moment, sporting eyebrows that, courtesy of several Youtube tutorials, make me “look really angry” according to my six year old.

“But can you see the lines in my forehead?”

“No, you just look kinda cross.”

Boom! Mission accomplished.

And if makeup is for me what Botox or liposuction is for other people, no one should judge. As long as you are doing it for you.

We have the means that, societally, whatever you don’t like about yourself you can change. As far as modern medicine goes we can change what we truly are not comfortable with. But we need to ask ourselves, what are we truly uncomfortable with and what are we being made to feel uncomfortable with?

That choice is ultimately yours. Your body is an amazing and miraculous thing. I know that sounds trite but sincerely, whoever you are, where ever you are, your body and its inner machinations are currently attempting to be replicated in a lab somewhere. You, as you are, right now, this very second, are miraculous. You are stunning. You are a feat of biological engineering that cannot be replicated that has been perfectly adapted to you. Made all the more stunning when you consider your body and your “you” are separate entities. Modern women just need to learn to amalgamate the two.

If you want to change, of course you can, but for you and no one else. Not because a condescending ad campaign told you to, not for your partner, not for society or a job, but because you wanted it.

Never forget, in this world of over processed ads and fear mongering media, your body is yours. You are beautiful. Love yourself. You deserve it.