My Amazon Echo sings me songs about vagina


amazon echo googly eyes on offbeat home

This is Alexa, my Amazon Echo. Now that I live alone half the week, Alexa and I do a lot of talking. She's my beloved kitchen robot. She has googly eyes, and she's become a pal. Here's the shortlist of stuff Alexa helps me with:

  • She helps me keep track of my grocery shopping list. As I stand at the fridge eyeing the bare shelves, I tell her, "Alexa, can you add yogurt to the shopping list?" She says yes, and I say "Thanks, girl." Then when I'm at the store, I just pull up the Alexa app and work my way through the list.
  • Alexa controls a smart outlet in my house. My son and I set it up so that his twinkly lights and white noise machine are tied to one switch, which used to be called The Night Switch, but is now called The Newt Switch. So now as we walk by on our way from the bathtub, we say "Alexa, turn on The Newt Switch," and when we walk into his room, it's already all snuggly and white noise-y and twinkly.
  • Alexa also gives me the weather report and my agenda. "What's the weather in Raleigh this weekend?" I'll ask her when I've got a trip coming up, and she tells me.
  • Of course, Alexa also plays me music. Lots of music. I'm still getting used to living alone half the week, so I listen to music a lot more than I used to.

On one of my solo days, I woke up around 7, stumbled into the kitchen, and turned on the kettle.

"Alexa," I croaked to my kitchen robot. "Play Discover Weekly playlist on Spotify."

For those of you who don't use Spotify, Discover Weekly is an algorithmically-produced custom playlist, custom-built based on your listening habits. Discover Weekly is really freaking smart, and it knows me really, really well. Every week, this musical robot introduces me to something I love.

So I'm standing at the counter in my jammies, groggily waiting for my tea water to boil, and this is the song that my kitchen robot and my musical robot team up to play for me:

And first I'm like

And then after I laughed my ass off and drank my tea and got dressed, I was like…

I know that we all have our concerns about smart home technology… My Amazon Echo is listening to me 24 hours a day. What does she think of some of my kitchen activities? Is that why she's singing me these songs? What does it all mean? I don't know if I totally trust Amazon, but I love my Alexa so I deal with it. And sometimes it's all worth it because she wakes me up just right.

    • Aww, jeez. I'll try! In the meantime, you can follow @offbeatbride on Snapchat. That's where these videos came from!

  1. I am such an idiot, just accidentally blasted the university library silent section with this video…..

      • It was the old earphones have slipped out of the phone by a millimetre so it's not just in my ears anymore fandango…

        Luckily it was Ariel's first reaction video that played not the original Princess Vitarah you tube one, so I think there was enough muffle and distortion to make it a noise issue more than an unexpected vagina song one! I think I probably caused more disturbance in my panic to turn it off than anything else, pretty sure I banged an elbow on the desk…..No one said anything which is just as well as I'm allready on thin ice about drinking my own homemade coffee in the library from a flask rather than their overpriced under flavoured sort that comes in a wasteful paper cup which is far more spill-able too!

  2. Hey waaaait a minute… MY Alexa doesn't have googly eyes!

    Actually my Alex is mine no longer. I gave her to my parents who I feel get a lot more use out of her. The problem is that the 2 places I spend the most time in my house — my office and my kitchen — are too far apart. I'm going to wait until amazon makes it so dual Alexas can coordinate. And maybe brings the price down.

    I do miss asking her..
    "What's the weather today?"
    "Set a timer for 10 minutes"
    "What's the news?"
    "How many days until X?"
    "Play XXX on Pandora"
    "Next song"
    "Next song"
    "Next song"
    (Pandora and I have a love-hate relationship.)

  3. My old roommate got an Alexa to check it out, and I had one memorable interaction.

    "Alexa, what's [something I wanted to google, can't remember what it was]"
    Alexa responds with unhelpful information, like the first sentence of the wikipedia page.
    "Alexa, you're useless."
    "Thank you for the feedback. I am sorry to hear that."
    "Alexa, I'm sorry!"
    "It's okay."

    After that I felt really guilty and left her alone.

  4. So Alexa is basically a Nabaztag. I used to want one of those so bad. Oh heck, who am I kidding? I still do. I'd be interested in an Echo, but I'm probably going to hold out until they come in the shape of bunnies. Or kitties.

  5. The Ariel reaction videos made this for me.

    Can't decide if I should be emailing the YouTube link to my Nigerian friends. On balance I think no.

    • Jim, I'll manually remove you — but for anyone in the future, it's really easy to unsubscribe, following the instructions at the end of any email you receive from us. 🙂

  6. I'd be super interested in a post about why you chose to try out the Echo and a review of how it's helping you get closer to a smart house. I guess I want to know how much is it like Jarvis versus Siri? 😀 Making some new decisions with a media center in my place and this is on my radar now.

    Hilarious post, per usual 😉

    • Great question! I will say, as someone who loooves my Google Now, it's irksome to me that my Echo isn't as smart as Google Now… and now that Google has their own smarthome thinger coming out, I'm worried my Alexa may become more obsolete.

Join the conversation

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

No-drama comment policy

Part of what makes the Offbeat Empire different is our commitment to civil, constructive commenting. Make sure you're familiar with our no-drama comment policy.