The sacred jack-off: taking masturbation to a whole new weird level

Image courtesy of Chakrubs.com

I was talking to a married friend recently, and she was all, "Look, it's cool that so many people are exploring forms of polyamory, but that's not me and that's not my marriage. I want to find new ways to expand my sexual experiences on my own… ways that DON'T include other people."

And I was all, "Fuck yes — have you tried doing, like, a sacred jack-off?"

And she was all, "Did you make this up?"

And I was all, "Pssht. No."

Basically, all I'm referring to is bringing some intent into your masturbatory activities. It's a concept that's been written about many, many, times, but here are a few of my favorite things to integrate into my sacred jack-off moments:

Set your intention

Like almost everything in life (career goals, saving money, changing your diet, or New Moon manifestations), it's all about setting your intent. This is not just a normal jack-off, NO MA'AM. This is going to to be something special. For some people, this could mean doing a whole elaborate self-care ritual (bath, candles, lotion, bla bla), but for those of us with busy schedules it's more like making sure you have uninterupted time/space, taking one quick breath (WE ARE FUCKING OURSELVES RIGHT NOW YES), and just asking yourself a question: what am I hoping to get from this?

Fuck yourself the way you want to be fucked

Whatever your favorite fantasy is about the way you'd like someone else to bring it, try bringing it to yourself. Want it rough? Slap yourself around. Want it sweet? Whisper sweet nothings while you caress yourself with oils. Want more of a sense of surrender? Push yourself past your own comfort zones, and go with it. Want boundary-pushing? Establish your own safe word, and then do shit to yourself that pushes you right up to your own edge. Moral of the story: be your own fantasy lover.

Get weird with it

Look, chances are good that you know best how to get yourself off in the most efficient way possible. Favorite toy, favorite porn, favorite pillow, whatever: you know how to do it, but it's BORING. Now, of course getting a new toy is always a fun way to spice things up. I cannot lie: I totally got a Chakrub recently and it's been a great excuse to get extra woo-woo with my wanking… but novelty is NOT just about new stuff.

You can get weird with it absolutely for free: bend yourself over a chair. Position yourself in front of an unexpected mirror. Stretch yourself on the kitchen counter. Use more fingers! Less fingers! Stick fingers in places you don't normally explore! Flop yourself upside down on the stairs! Use your non-dominant hand (oh my, who is this clumsy stranger with their hand down your pants? My word!) Stretch your legs in weird ways and fuck yourself until they start shaking! Just GET WEIRDER WITH IT.

Speak in tongues

Give yourself permission to babble when you come. We all know orgasms can be super intense physical catharsis, but if you give yourself permission to open your mouth and see what comes out with you come, sometimes shit gets really REALLY interesting. Laughing, crying, shouting, whispering — the words that pour out contain secrets and truths that you might not expect or have access to in more buttoned-up mental states. Let yourself come unhinged. Shake! Scream! Fall off the bed! GO THERE. All the way.

Then, if you're like me, jot some notes down and get on with your day.

 

Alright, friends. Let's hear about the weird ways you push your own masturbatory edges. What does YOUR sacred jack-off look like?

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  1. "Then, if you're like me, jot some notes down"
    Oh yeah, that's you. LOL.
    I prefer my sessions profane rather than sacred. 😉 But I think the keyword really is "planned"… which I don't do often enough. Thanks for the reminder.

    • HA! *gets out notebook, takes notes on how your comment makes me feel*

      WHAT, THIS IS MY META/META NOTEBOOK.

      5 agree
  2. Heh. I've been a single gal for almost 3 years now so I have this self-fucking stuff down to a damn T.
    I'm 32 and I have had the biggest, craziest, weirdest, sexiest orgasms EVER since spending more time getting in touch (ehehehe) with myself and finding out what I really wanted sexually.
    A vibe down the knickers at bed time is fine. But fucking yourself senseless the way you image your dream lover to do so is even better. Hell, scream out their name if you wanna! (And confuse the shit outta your neighbors/roomies.)
    Just tryyyyy eeeeeeet!!!

    11 agree
  3. This is also a great way to tease out what doesn't work from your fantasies too! A visual or idea that turns you on may not feel as good as you thought. But since it's just you, you can stop it easily and not have to explain to ANYONE why.

    2 agree
    • So true.

      …BUT I THOUGHT THE FANTASY OF THE SCHOOL OF DOLPHINS WHO ALL HAD EWAN MCGREGOR'S FACE WOULD BE SO HOT.

      2 agree

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