I had a miscarriage, and I'm surprisingly ok

May 5 | Guest post by Melissa Beck
miscarriage
Photo by Konstantinos Koukopoulos, used with Creative Commons license.

I had a miscarriage in February. The pregnancy did not progress past the five week mark, but the sac had grown to about nine weeks. I was devastated.

The night after my sonogram when I found out there was no heartbeat, I stayed up until five in the morning writing about the sadness of the experience.

Cut to a month or so later. I'm surrounded by constant reminders that I'm not pregnant and yet, I'm walking around feeling healthy and normal and, well, not depressed at all. I am functional and happy, despite two of my friends being pregnant (and due when I would have been due) and two of their friends being pregnant as well. They don't even act weird around me, meaning I must be sending normal energy out into the universe.

Based on all my highly sensitive reactions to all things TTC (trying to conceive), I assumed I would be a wreck after this miscarriage. If I broke out pie charts of my life's traumas and the resulting coping mechanisms, you would safely predict that my miscarriage would be a major setback. You might predict that you'd find me for 12 days straight, showering only three of those days, ugly-crying on a cot, in a dark room, living off of strawberry Fruit Roll-Ups and Totino's Pizza. Because that's how I cope with trauma.

But no. After that first wave of sadness, I'm good.

It helped to learn that one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage. Medically speaking miscarriages are actually, dare I say, relatively normal occurrences. That helped me feel better about what had happened.

While I was trying to conceive, I didn't know if my body knew how to get pregnant, which was emotionally draining for me. While my miscarriage was terrible, I figure I should be thankful that my body does, in fact, still know how to get pregnant. Now, can it stay pregnant? I will cross that bridge when it's time. After I shared the story of my miscarriage, I got an email from a reader saying that "it's all about the right soul at the right time." And that really helped. This time wasn't the time.

Also, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that I couldn't really find many folks sharing my experience of recovering from my miscarriage… who's really going to go on the Internet and say "I feel awesome!" after a miscarriage? No one would do that. (Ducks head behind laptop.) People who share their feelings of sadness are looking for others with a common experience. That is normal. That warrants a ton of Internet conversation — to relate to someone is huge part of the healing. So, when I did a search about not being depressed after a miscarriage, I shouldn't have been surprised that I didn't find much. But no one wants to be judged for not feeling the way she's "supposed" to feel.

Sure, this "okayness" might be fleeting. I might feel totally devastated next week, next month, next year. Who could know? But for right now, I feel fine, and I don't want to feel bad about this response. So if you're reading this and you relate, well then, that's great.

I will say it again so that it comes up in the search engine for anyone looking for validation like I was. I don't feel that depressed after my miscarriage. And that's okay, too.

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  1. We, as females are relatively resilient. Thankfully. I've had multiple miscarriages and right before our Daughter was born we dealt with the death of her sister who was born at 17 weeks gestation. Impossible to have survived. I shocked myself by how strong and healthy I dealt with my grief. I owe a lot of the support I received to my boyfriend Stanislav. We helped each other through it all, now we have a beautiful baby girl, who was a very unexpected but welcomed surprise. – Enjoyed your post.

    5 agree
    • I recently had a miscarriage also, little under a month ago. I was right at seven weeks along and was driving down the road and started having sharp pains and I lost the baby later that evening in the ER. I was the same way though, I kept bracing myself for the pain and depression but I have still not had any yet. I am okay 🙂

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      • I also had the same happen to me, although some differences. I thought I may have had cervical cancer due to health problems and had even had Biopsies done weeks before. I was 7 weeks along when I miscarried but I was actually relieved in a few ways#1- It wasnt cancer! #2- I was actually pregnant after a year of trying 🙂 and #3 I had thought I miscarried before with the same symptoms months ago and now I know I did and I wasnt imagining things. So things are feeling better after 3 days after the loss and I know now I can get pregnant 🙂 Heres to trying again in 2 months!

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  2. You're definitely not alone.
    I've had 2 miscarriages. For the first one, I didn't know I was pregnant until I lost it. The other, I'd just found out I was 7weeks pregnant the day prior to beginning the miscarriage and I went through the process of miscarrying for almost a week before it finally was over.

    I certainly don't blame women for being emotionally torn up, but I wasn't -at least not for an extended amount of time. I sort of adopted this "it wasn't meant to be" attitude and although I was sad, particularly after the 2nd miscarriage because my husband and I had been trying for over a year to get pregnant, I didn't dwell or do miscarriage remembrance tickers or ribbons or anything of the sort. I didn't join support groups. And honestly, I almost felt like something was wrong with me that I wasn't more distraught. So it's good to read I wasn't alone -not that I'd wish that anyone, gawd, but you know what I mean.
    I now have 2 wonderful kids and I can't imagine my lives without them.

    I wish you all the best in sexy-time relations that lead you (when you're ready) to another bun in the over that you're able to bring into this world full of abundant love!
    Jenn

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  3. i was never sad, but sometimes i think, well if it would have continued that person would have been… but i didn't feel sad for very long either. i just wonder sometimes what it would have been like to have that baby. but i guess i always thought that if it didn't happen, that is because it wasn't time yet, and it would happen eventually (and boy, five kids later, it did!). i would try again in the near future! maybe this one was just to give your body a trial run.

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  4. amen, sister. everyone is different.

    i had an ectopic pregnancy in early winter, and "losing the baby" wasn't as hard on me as i thought it was supposed to be.

    i started bleeding the day my period was due, so i never assumed i was pregnant -although, we were trying. when my "period" went on much longer than normal, i knew something wasn't right and was advised to take a home pregnancy test. i was about 3-4 weeks along when the pregnancy was first detected, and had to go through another 8 weeks of treatment/aftercare. *that* is what was awful. for whatever reason, if you go to hospital for tests (as i did 3 times per week) and they're checking you for HCG levels, people (nurses, doctors, reception) think it's a great idea to as about your "baby" and when you're due and other idle baby chat. having to look at someone and say, "it's an ectopic," or "i'm not having a baby," or "i'm having an induced miscarriage," is an experience i'd rather not have ever again. and not for me, but for the awkward sadness and embarrassment on their faces.

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    • it would be awful to have to let people know that 🙁 Its like being so excited to find out you are and then miscarry and dont even get to the exciting news part of it all. Not to mention to see all kinds of pregnant women and babies at all the appointments! Im happy to have my doc app. over with for another week! Hopefully soon it will be us with our huge belly and having a great doc app 🙂

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  5. You're not alone in this. I was sad when I miscarried, but only during the process. My doctor told me exactly what you said- 1 in 4 women miscarry and most don't even know they're pregnant when it happens. They think it's a prolonged period.

    It took about a year to get pregnant after that happened. My daughter is now 15 months old and while I think about the miscarriage itself on occasion, I don't think of a lost "person" and I don't mourn.

    Once my body was done with the miscarriage and my doc pronounce me good to go, I was pretty much over it. Thanks for posting this.

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  6. I had a miscarriage at the end of February, right before my wedding (March 19th). I also didn't know I was pregnant until I was miscarrying. I'm not sure if it was because there was so much going on in my life at the time, or if I am just a strong person, but I dealt with the loss really REALLY well. So well actually, that I didn't tell any of my close friends or family members until after our wedding, and once I did, they were all surprised. None of them even suspected anything was wrong. The weeks leading up to our wedding were filled with parties, dinners, celebrations, visiting family members, etc. and I managed to keep a stiff upper lip about the whole thing. I remember feeling guilty that I wasn't more torn up about it. I was genuinely shocked that I could laugh and smile and feel pretty normal, even while I was actually miscarrying. I even debated not telling anyone because they would all be appauled that I was so happy and unaffected by the whole thing.

    Unfortunately, now that life is a little less hectic, and I have a little bit more time on my hands, the reality is really hitting me. I hope that you stay strong, happy and hopeful. Don't feel ashamed if you are doing fine after something like this – its your life, and feel lucky that you're a badass who can handle anything that comes your way. But also remember that you do have plenty of resources in case you find yourself in my situation- a grief late bloomer. Good luck & my thoughts are with you all.

    -Adri

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  7. You seem to have the right idea. Feel the feelings and move on. I've had 2 miscarriages. The most recent was about two years ago. I didn't know I was pregnant, and I was taking steroids for a lung infection. Lost it in the shower…. I didn't have a chance to become attached to being pregnant which was lucky for me I guess. I have to believe that there is a light at the end of every tunnel, and that everything happens for a reason. My light came last year. If I was given another chance, then you will be given one also when the time is right. Somehow, you probably know deep in your soul that your time will come. Miscarriages happen alot with the women in my family, but so do babies. Seems the more you witness it, the more patient with the process you become. Keep trying love!

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  8. I can't believe the timing of this article. I am actually in the process of miscarrying – have been for about four days, and my feelings have been swinging wildly from being perfectly okay with it to being pretty devastated. I found out I was pregnant at just over four weeks, and was almost six weeks when I started bleeding and having sharp pains.

    Thank you for your post. It helps me to see that I'm not alone in my conflicting feelings, nor should I feel guilt for the moments that I really am at peace with what happened. Everyone reacts differently – no one person's feelings on something so profoundly personal should be subjected to judgement.

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    • I'm right there with you, started miscarrying on Wednesday. I too am experiencing the swings between total devastation and feeling strangely okay about it all.
      I wish you all the best in whatever comes next in your journey.

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  9. I miscarried at 10 weeks about a year ago. We were trying for our 4th baby. I had 3 healthy beautiful girls to be thankful for so it never really occurred to me to be sad. Then my sister admitted to me that she mourns the loss of her child that she miscarried at 4 weeks when she was 17. She's 36 and she still marks the due date as a birthday. Sigh. I felt really confused and a little guilty that I wasn't upset, but I just wasn't. I trusted that my body knew that pregnancy wasn't viable for some reason. I got pregnant again the next month and we now have 4 amazing and healthy girls! I feel so blessed that I can't imagine being depressed about my miscarriage, but I know that everyone deals with unexpected, out of our control events like a miscarriage in different ways and that's ok.

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  10. I had a miscarriage in November, and I am also surprised by the lack of trauma. It was a shock when it happened, and I definitely had a lot of intense emotions, but six months later I find I have no problem thinking about it, talking about it, remembering it. Other people are tentative but I feel, in a weird way, proud of having had this experience — I feel like it's prepared me for the physicality and unpredictability of pregnancy.

    Not to say that it wasn't tough — it was — but most of the difficulty was because I had no idea what was going on, so I panicked and went to the emergency room (which was a bad idea — I wish at the time when I'd been scouring the internet in a late night haze that I'd come across something that had said, MISCARRIAGES ARE VERY COMMON AND UNLESS YOU'RE GOING THROUGH MORE THAN 2 PADS IN AN HOUR, YOU CAN WAIT IT OUT AT HOME).

    But now that I know, I feel better prepared for future pregnancies and, if they happen, miscarriages.

    2 agree
    • I don't know if you're still checking as it's been a couple years since you wrote this comment, but today was the first truly warm day of spring where I am. I'm pretty sure I'm having a miscarriage, and I read this comment early in the morning. It stayed with me as people told me to go to the ER. I spent the first summery day outside instead.

      Thank you for putting this comment on the internet for future late night/early morning hazes. My bleeding is light, but there's some tissue, and my gut is telling me it's a miscarriage. My gut also told me that spending a beautiful day alone in a hospital just so they can do an ultrasound and tell me something that my body (or, failing that, my midwife appointment later this week) will tell me in a few days.

      Your comment really helped me. Thank you.

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      • Oh my goodness — Megan, I am so glad! You know what's crazy, I was just reading your post (http://offbeatfamilies.com/2013/05/talking-about-miscarriage) and thinking to myself, 'I am so glad someone is writing this, I feel exactly the same way about my miscarriage.' And then I got to the part where you mention this comment, and I thought, "that's funny — I think I might have left that comment.' And what do you know, I did! I am really, really glad it helped, and that you spent time recovering in a botanical garden instead of the bureaucratic nightmare of the ER. (I got the '2-pad' rule from the doctor I met with a week later, by the way — I found myself wishing just one person from the many clinics and nurse hotlines I had called before heading to the ER had given me practical advice like this!)

        And by the way, the other thing that doctor told me which was very comforting was that just because you have one miscarriage doesn't mean you're prone to them — they're very common, but having one doesn't mean you're more likely to have one if you get pregnant again. Which has turned out to be the case (so far) with me, since as I write this I am 7 months pregnant.

        Anyway — so good luck, and thanks again for writing about your experience!

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    • but what the posts never go into detail is if it is more than two pads…..and it can be a LOT more! Thats what scared me I had to actually use a diaper to get to the hospital ! Thats was very embarrassing ! I had assumed it was a very strange period at first then I put two pads and a tampon in (just incase) and within 30 seconds all 3 didnt hold ! Things like this should be the things to warn us about , so we know if it happens!

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  11. Good for you. I had a miscarriage at 16 weeks, over ten years ago now, and I have rarely thought much about it to be honest. I dealt with it at the time with a bad day when it happened, and then the hardest part for me was feeling like I should be more upset. I don't remember dates at all anymore, and at the time figured that it just wasn't meant to be at that time. We have since gone on to have 3 girls and a boy, and I remember all of their dates with ease!

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  12. I felt, and still feel, awful about mine it was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. However I think its important to own that my feelings are my feelings and I'm not going to tell another woman how she *should* feel based on my own experience.

    Nevertheless, I'm sorry that you went through the experience but I'm happy that you've worked through your feelings.

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  13. I'm wondering if we were more open about miscarriages if that would make it harder or easier to go through it? Related to many women not reveling their pregant until 12 weeks.

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    • This has never made much sense to me (not revealing the pregnancy until 12 wks), especially for those who would need to grieve openly about a miscarriage: if nobody knows you were pregnant, how do you get support? Obviously not every acquaintance needs to know, but still.

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      • I have had multiple losses & I have to say I did not feel that I got support when I did have a miscarriage. People meant well but said stupid things (like "thank good ness it was a real baby yet") – so after going through ti twice I learned it is far better to look to something like a support group for support & keep the relationships you have in your life from being vulnerable to stupid things said at a bad time that leaves damage. Who knows though – many of the women I met in support groups had similar experiences with lacking support IRL – but maybe that was a common factor as to how we all wandered into a support group in the first place, right? Maybe if we did have adequate support IRL we would have never sought it elsewhere.

        What I know for certain though through my own losses & through talking with many many other women is that there is no right way or wrong way to feel after a loss. There is no day that you are "out of teh woods" when it come sot feeling sad either. I have met women who showed up in group 5 yrs after the fact with sadness NOW about it that they didn't feel before. Or women who thought they were "over it" and had it come back. I think grief is a crooked line & you deal with it as it comes. I feel I can unequivocally say I am totally healed from my losses. I spent a lot of time & energy in finding peace with it (I had to – it wasn't not something that could be treated & I either faced future miscarriages OR would have to choose to give up on pregnancy). I now have two children & have been pregnant nine times to get here. I had to find a way to heal, to accept the past AND to embrace the future whatever it may bring. It took time & a lot of tears & talking – but I do feel I am there.

        When I was in the midst of the deepest parts of pain I would have never believed you could truly be okay with all – but then I found my peace & have been living with a full heart ever since (and that was before I had a single successful pregnancy). Even now, the idea of having another child doesn't scare me. I know I would likely have more losses before I would have another healthy pregnancy, and I am not numb – I am just whole & at peace & am able to finally accept that I cannot control the outcome so I just have to embrace the unknown. I am able to be thankful for each day I am pregnant, even when not knowing what tomorrow is going to be. I am able to say goodbye if that is what is to be. I would have never ever believed that was possible when I was having a hard time getting up in the morning to just go to work. But we each walk our own journey & heal how we heal.

        1 agrees
    • I just miscarried, and I've felt more compelled to tell people about the miscarriage than I have about the pregnancy.

      I was THE MOST comforted when I read stories written by women who had miscarried. It made me feel less alone, more in control, and assured me I wasn't dying.

      4 agree
  14. I'm sorry for your loss. It's so good people are talking about miscarriage more these days and acknowledging that there is no 'correct' or rather no 'normal' way to respond to loss. It certainly helps in the early days just not to feel alone.

    I lost one pregnancy before we conceived my daughter. I grieved terribly at the time and I do have some sadness occasionally even now, and that's ok too. I was held together in the early days by people's tales of their own losses and seeing that their lives had gone on and were fabulous and I've tried to pay that forward by letting people know how common it is but also that it's ok to react however you instinctively do, and never mind how people think you 'should'.

    Our policy on pregnancy since then has been 'tell those you'd want to know if something went wrong'.

    2 agree
  15. Gosh, I was just the opposite. In fact, this is the first April in four years that I haven't mourned. It feels as if I am finally moving past it now. I think, for me, the mourning had as much to do with it being my last chance at a baby (I was 44) as much as my having always wanted a passel (six). Plus, I have never experienced pregnancy and have been obsessed with the idea my whole life; I don't remember a time when I didn't fantasize about it. I do have one son, but he was born almost three months premature — when I was 25 — and I had no idea I was pregnant (yes, I was one of those). The saddest thing for me was never knowing what it actually felt like to be expecting a wee one as I had no symptoms at all, nor did I have any time to prepare or any of the attention (emotional and medical) that one equates with pregnancy. It was almost as if I woke up on a Friday and — without warning — someone walked into my room, handed me a baby, and skedaddled. Don't get me wrong, he was — and is — the greatest gift of my life…. but I still miss having the pregnancy experience for myself… and I still miss having all the babies I was sure were coming my way.

    I envy your resilience!

    1 agrees
  16. I completely share your feelings on this one! We "tried" for our third child for exactly one cycle and I got pregnant! I had never had a miscarriage before and my babies never had any issues, born homebirth. But I miscarried at 12 weeks! I couldn't believe that I had such a late miscarriage, it wasn't at a more common time like 8 weeks or something.

    After the pain of it, mild labor, I was fine. Once the bleeding stopped and I physically felt better, I was completely fine.

    The way I look at it is that my body knows what it is doing. When we get a miscarriage it is s sign that the baby wasn't forming normally or that something went wrong and the body washes this out, ready to try again. I would have a different response to it if this happened a lot and I didn't already have 2 healthy children.

    We are trying again now, first cycle, and I am REALLY hoping that I am pregnant this time. Wish me luck!

    1 agrees
  17. Thank you, thank you THANK YOU for writing this! I am 4 weeks post M/C and I have been feeling very "normal" for weeks. We were TTC for only once cycle and BANG, I was preggo. When we found out about the m/c @ 13 weeks I was devastated. But after 7 days, treatment and lots of down time I started to feel bad that I was not feeling bad enough. I hated to admit it and that really my biggest worry was now having to share the sad news and deal with all the comments that would bring . Now at 4 weeks post m/c, am still dealing with the some issues and complications, but I am OK and managing this better than I ever thought I would be, and with my amazing partner at my side I know that this will be taken in stride and when the universe is ready, I will be a Mommy

    1 agrees
  18. I had/am having a similar reaction. I also miscarried in February after being diagnosed with a blighted ovum (and it was most likely a no progression past 5 weeks, 9 week gestational sac as well). I mourned a LOT at the beginning, particularly around the diagnosis. (The diagnosis was a month before the actual miscarriage happened, FYI)

    Now I'm pretty much ok. I decided not to join the miscarriage support group that friends kept telling me about. Mainly because for me, it felt more like the loss of a dream rather than the loss of a baby. I had never seen a heartbeat, didn't know the sex, hadn't started nesting…

    Every once in a while I'll feel a twinge of something -I don't know what though, jealousy?- when yet another friend announces some new milestone in her pregnancy. I've got about 3 or 4 friends due this August when I would have been due. But I'm not sad, anymore.

    (Aside to the Offbeat folks – THANK YOU for bringing Melissa Beck to write on here!)

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  19. Thank you for sharing your story, i'll be trying to concieve my first baby later this year and as i suffer from Graves Disease which causes your thyroid to become overactive i will be going into pregnancy knowing i have a much higher chance of miscarriage and i would like to try to prepare myself in case it does happen and alot of these comments are just what i needed to hear.

  20. Thank you for this. After my miscarriage I was sad, cried a little but most of the more serious emotional pain came from feeling guilty over what I thought I "should" feel. I "should" have known I was a mom. I "should" have protected my zygote thingy. I "shouldn't" have spent the 8 hours I knew I was pregnant (I miscarried shortly after finding out I was even pregnant) thinking about how to have an abortion (it wasn't planned). But my organic feelings were sad.. but only mildly so, which didn't help the guilt! lol. Thank you, again.

    2 agree
  21. I went through a miscarriage at 8 wks, not heartbeat to be seen. It was devastating. The pain and confusion was like nothing I had ever experienced. I hovered in that feeling for months. I got a second job to distract me, and then after months and months of working, working out, avoiding people. I realized I was doing myself a dis-service to not enjoy the moments and excitement we had. Miscarriages are very common, not making it less sad but rather more understandable. But was truly unique and special were the moments of hope and happiness my husband and I experienced. We are happy with the experience as it is now, we are happy we had what we had when we had it. And someday, there will be more moments to come which will be equally amazing. xoxo

  22. There's no wrong way to deal with loss. My first response to this was anger because my miscarriages were so devastating. However, I'm probably just jealous that you bounced back so quickly. I still have moments, 2 and 8 years after the fact. If someone doesn't have to go through that, all the better! I think miscarriage needs to be discussed more openly and more often. All too often women feel alone and isolated when it happens in their lives. So thanks.

    1 agrees
  23. I had a miscarriage about 5 weeks ago. It was my first pregnancy, I was 9.5 weeks long, and on top of that we'd seen the proto-baby with a healthy heartbeat at 6 weeks. I had no idea anything was wrong, so it was a shock.

    I cried on and off for a few days, but since then I have been surprisingly ok. I'm sad, and anything to do with babies still makes me think of what we lost…but yeah, I'm surprisingly ok. Like others have said, I almost felt guilty for NOT being more upset.

    The positive is that now I know I'm able to get pregnant, at least. We plan to start trying again next month and hopefully things will go better this time!

    1 agrees
  24. I guess I'm different from everyone else here, as I viewed my miscarriage with nothing but relief. My husband and I had only been together for a few months at the time, and I actually miscarried the day before I was scheduled for a surgical abortion. I had spent the past few weeks mentally telling my baby that then was not the right time and that we would be together sometime later, and they listened, seemingly. So yeah, when I miscarried I was just really relieved that I didn't need to abort.

    Now that we're ready for procreation I'm sure we'd have a different reaction, but I'd like to think that my earlier experiences will make it easier whatever happens.

    2 agree
  25. Its funny , I usually read Melissa's blog , and when I saw the title , I thought , I bet she would like to read this and then kabam , I read the author!

  26. I just had a D&C today and my miscarriage was very similar to yours and I was sick, sick , sick from the high HCG levels. I was relieved to be feeling better this evening and I thank you for writing an honest post. I was looking online for people like you and me because I was hoping I wasn't a cold, unemotional woman. I will try to conceive again in the future, but in the meantime, I'm thankful I have a palette for more than the 2-week nausea-induced cottage cheese and Top Ramen diet. More than anything, I'm thankful I will have my energy back so I can focus on my 15 month old son. Great blog!

    1 agrees
  27. Thank you for this.

    My husband and I tried to conceive for a few months, and last month the day we were leaving for a family wedding out of state, I got a positive test. We were thrilled, and spent the whole weekend with family keeping it a secret between just us, sharing looks whenever people would hound us about when we were going to have kids. The day we got back, I had an early miscarriage. The fifteen days I spent bleeding were the hardest — we mourned, we told family what was going on. Incidentally, this is very difficult emotionally when your conservative parents view it as "losing your first child" and not an unviable pregnancy sort of miscarriage…my mom asked if I was going to name it, join a support group, etc.. I think that's when I slipped out of grief and into "No, *no* I'm not going to name the bag of bloody pads in my bathroom corner."

    It's not that I wasn't still grieving over a lost potential baby (the way my husband and I viewed it), but now, a little over a month out…I'm okay. Not fantastic. But okay. We got the go-ahead from my doctor to continue trying, and we're busily sorting through names together and at this point…I'm not grieving anymore. And that's okay. I don't feel depressed. I feel a little cranky about it every so often, but it's a quick pang, and that's it. I've been clinically depressed before so I know my own differences, and I know I'm okay. Some of the more difficult things have been conveying this to my parents, though! But at this point, a month out, my husband and I can shrug and say, "Well, that sucked," and continue on.

    Everybody deals with grief in their own ways — some people find comfort in giving their loss a name. And that's okay too. I think I might feel differently if it weren't such an early miscarriage, but for me, I don't feel like this is something that's going to haunt me. And in a way, that was always my biggest fear about pregnancy: the possibility of miscarriage. I saw friends go through it before and I always thought that I didn't know if I could stand that. And now I know. (Not that I wanted to know, but still.)

    1 agrees
    • Name a bag of bloody pads…. can't stop laughing (by the way am miscarrying right now myself)

      1 agrees
  28. Melissa, thanks so much for writing this! I found your article by doing exactly the type of Google search you describe, and was extra excited to see that you wrote it because I've been a long-time fan of your blog. But I guess I haven't been keeping up with reading it lately, otherwise I wouldn't have been completely mystified and confused when I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum earlier this week. I totally did not know this was possible. I would have been thirteen weeks along yesterday and thought everything was going along swimmingly.

    The weird thing is, after a bit of sadness immediately following the diagnosis, I'm seriously fine. I feel strange about that, even though my midwife keeps assuring me that everyone reacts differently and my feelings are totally normal and acceptable. If anything, my bouts of teariness this week are mostly related to waves of gratitude for my amazing two-year old daughter (she's just a bit younger than your Shalom), and my awesome husband. This is making me appreciate them and all that I have even more, but it's strange to have such positive emotions in light of what I could be feeling right now. Maybe this will hit me more later, but I really don't think so. I'm not the type of person to suppress my feelings; if anything I'm usually the opposite. So we'll see.

    You're right that knowing that miscarriage is so common is really helpful. I think I've had it in the back of my mind since I found out I was pregnant. I'm in my late 30s and although my daughter was ridiculously healthy and strong from conception, I really wondered if I would luck out and dodge this bullet twice.

    Is it lame that my strongest reaction to this is that I'm super-pissed I'll probably have to go through all that first trimester misery at least one more time? I was totally counting down the weeks and so excited to be done once and for all.

    1 agrees
  29. I'm so glad I found this!! I'm took a home preg test last weekend (positive) and last night started cramping and bleeding. I've been sad and had my moments of tears today but overall I just feel like it wasn't meant to be. It's God's will and now I know I can get pregnant!!! (I'm 35 and this is the first we are trying) I've been looking online and was really starting to feel like something was wrong with me because I was not devastated. I'm normally a very even keel anyway, but I was feeling a little heartless. Thank you ladies.

    1 agrees
  30. I miscarried in October and found myself, after the first waves of shock and loss and grief passed (it was unplanned and I was still in high school) completely and totally okay. As a teenager, it's probably expected of me that I should not be upset about not being pregnant; my therapist told me point blank "I don't know what you're upset about, this is a big fat blessing in disguise" which was totally inappropriate at the time, but now, is exactly how I see it

    1 agrees
  31. You are not alone and it is good to read that I am not either. I was not TTC, the pregnancy was a shock, the miscarriage that began 2 days later and was originally diagnosed as normal spotting while I went about think I was still pregnant for another month was not a shock. It was actually a bit of a relief. What was hard was my fiancee telling everyone I was pregnant and then telling everyone I had miscarried. The "you know you really shouldn't have been riding a bike, doing your job as a ship's engineer, drinking coffee, etc etc etc from friends and family made me feel violated and judged. I also made me reconsider who I want in my life. Fast forward 8 weeks and I got pregnant again, this time deliberately. The miscarriage made my fiancee and I have a serious talk about becoming parents, and plan something more concrete than just a "when it works with my career timing". The miscarriage was not traumatic, I do not want to bring a life into this world that will suffer and I believe wholly that nature does these things for a reason, what was traumatic was dealing my family being judgmental and peoples expectations that I be sad. And yes at now 20 pregnant weeks I still bike, sail, swim, ride horses, and do all things that people told me probably caused the miscarriage.

    1 agrees
  32. Last time there was an article on OBM about miscarriage, I had a miscarriage two days later. If that happens again (10 weeks along here!), I am going to have to stop reading this blog 🙁

  33. I miscarried about 3 months ago. I can't even remember now how far along I was. It was a very wanted pregnancy. But the most traumatic part for me was the 24 hours I spent sitting in various waiting areas in ER waiting to find out whether or not I was or was not miscarrying. It was that bouncing between planning for the future of "Hey won't this be a funny story to tell baby when they are older? How worried we were, but then everything was ok?" and "Ok, so it's over. Now what do we do to move on."
    I went into the hospital on a Tuesday night and didn't come out with a straight answer until the following evening. Even when the doctor told me he said "Oh I don't know if these are your results…but if they are then you miscarried!" (Thanks jerk…generally you should be 100% sure before telling someone something like that) Then he disappeared for an HOUR before coming back to confirm.

    The next day I allowed myself to mourn fully. It was still hard for a couple weeks, but not as hard as I expected. I started thinking about all the things I could do now that I couldnt do before. Like, maybe going to college again. And I started working out like mad, and really focusing on my 'whole food plant based diet' – and I felt FAAANTASTIC!

    Then last week at work I answered the phone, and it was an old co-worker. She asked me how my baby bump was, and I told her (as she had apparently forgotten) that it was gone. She then went on to make a HUGE fuss out of forgetting and how sorry she was and blah blah blah. And I just stood there with the phone in my hand feeling incredibly awkward. Because…I'm fine! Seriously, literally, honestly. I'm fine. It happened, it's over and I've moved on. But I almost feel a little bit of guilt because people expect me to be devastated.

    It honestly made me feel better about my guilt after reading your post though 🙂

    1 agrees
  34. I'm just about finished miscarrying (been bleeding forever it feels like) and for me the most upsetting parts were sitting around waiting for ultrasounds and blood work, worrying about developing antibodies (first pregnancy, rh negative) and whether I was going to need a D&C. Just came home from the early pregnancy clinic: no antibodies, and no further treatment needed. Yay! I've had moments of intense sadness, but generally I feel fine, aside from the sudden intense fatigue and the bleeding for days on end. I'm so glad to hear so many other people felt sad, but moved on without massive depression and grief. I think I can sum up my pregnancy experience with two words: biology sucks.

    3 agree
  35. I know this is an old post, but thank you for writing it. I was starting to think I was the strangest woman in the world for not being completely devastated.

    2 agree
  36. I'd like to thank you all, both Melissa and all those who've commented about their own experiences, for the hope you've given me. I miscarried 2 weeks ago; I'm 40 and this would have been my first child. I just never met anyone I wanted to bring a child into the world with before now. My miscarriage hasn't quite finished, and I think it'll be hard to get over it emotionally until the physical reminders have stopped. I've been more sad about it than I'd ever have thought possible…but I don't want to drag it around with me for the rest of my life. I want to move on, once I'm okay physically, and you've all shown me that that's possible (everything else I've read online is about months and years of grief and sadness and not forgetting).
    A huge thank you to you all.

    1 agrees
  37. We've been trying since Christmas for our first, (I have PCOS) and I've been religiously reading OBM. We got our first positive test a few nights ago, and after we laughed and cried and jumped around, we called our parents and told them the good news. I couldn't believe it… I kept saying, "But I don't feel pregnant!" The next morning, I started bleeding. By noon, I was in the ER, and had the most traumatic hospital experience of my life. By the end of it, I was left saying, "I get it, no baby, can I go home now?" Don't get me wrong, while it was happening I cried hysterically, begging and pleading for everything to be ok, but once it was done, it was done. We went home and had a long talk, made a plan, and went to bed secure in our relationship and the fact that we will in fact be parents one day.

    Imagine my surprise when Mom called the next day and said she hadn't been able to do anything all day, she'd been crying non-stop and was just brokenhearted. I felt like an ass. I thought, "Oh! Really? I've been doing laundry and watching TV."

    3 days post miscarriage now, and we're pretty much back to life as normal. My husband asked today if something was wrong with us, why everyone expected us to just fall apart and we're just cruising along. I was so freaking happy to be able to find this article, and it's comments, and be able to show him that we're not freaks, and that we're doing just fine.

    Thanks, everyone.

    3 agree
  38. This really hits home today. I had a miscarriage last week. I was at 8.5 weeks. After the inital shock and sadness, I feel fine. I've rationalized the loss, I don't feel like it's my fault. The only thing I still have to get over is the hormonal imbalance in my body right now. And that is a really weird thing. I'm crying all over the place, but I keep repeating that I'm actually fine. And I'm drained physically. I was feeling physically better last week, less tired, more upbeat. One of my friend's mother warned me about this. You still get a post-partum when you miscarry and your hormones do have to rebalance, so you still do have the tiredness and the mood swings. At least I'm normal!

    Thanks for the story, it really helped today. I was starting to feel weird about not being that sad that I lost the baby, even though it was my first pregnancy!

  39. Your post has encouraged me so much, I miscarried on Friday, I had never been pregnant before being only 19. I was so broken up that day but I'm feeling fine now and have been beating my self up thinking i should be of a wreck and been afraid to admit that I'm okay. So thank you for speaking up!

  40. I'm so glad I found this post. I have two beautiful little girls and found out in May that I was pregnant with #3. For various reasons, it was a terrible time to become pregnant, but I just took a deep breath, prayed a lot, and entrusted it all to God. I started miscarrying yesterday, at 12 weeks. The ultrasound revealed a blighted ovum – meaning that the fertilized egg implanted in the uterus, but didn't develop any further. Perhaps it is because I never saw a little person on the US (I never even saw a blob) or perhaps it is because I feel a bit relieved that I don't have to prepare for #3 now, or perhaps it is just because I already have a 3 yr old and 2 yr old to take care of, but I'm ok. Sad, but ok. My husband, however, is devastated and really mourning. Worse, he is angry at me for not being as upset as he is. Anyone out there with a similar scenario?

    1 agrees
  41. I too had a miscarriage this year. In March, my husband and I lost our first child together. Tuesday I was numb, worked Wednesday, Thursday was the D&C it sucked. Monday I was biting at the bit to go back to work. I needed NORMAL! Wanted NORMAL, heck I craved it. The following week I was… Okay… He was Okay… We were Okay. I wasn't curled up in bed with chocolate ice-cream, squeezing the life out of my pillow and watching life time. I didn't understand why I wasn't ready to fall into my bed with the ice-cream but I was extremely relieved not to be in that state. I actually worried that I was, okay. Now I just know I am okay.

    It was baby time in my family and with friends… My sister-in-laws daughter, sister-in-law, our good friends and my best friend all had MOM-TO-BE labels.

    We are not planning to try the children thing for a while. We decided to have fun for a few more years, not that children aren't fun… but I want to enjoy my husband, just him and I (and the two dogs & three cats).

    I am glad your ok. I am glad we are ok… I don't know how or why, but I'm okay with ok.

  42. I was glad to find this because I too am ok. I had this overwhelming sense of doom from the moment I found out I was pregnant like I knew something wasn't right. At 8 weeks I had an ultrasound and was told baby was measuring six weeks with no heartbeat. They told me to return in a week to see if anything had changed. I agonized for the week wondering if my baby was alive or dead. When they told me I would miscarry I actually felt relieved. Not that I didn't want the baby because I did but because I finally had an answer to what I had expected all along. A few days later I miscarried naturally at home, it was extremely painful and much like a murder scene. This was quite traumatic but I was proud I was strong enough to survive without medical intervention or pain meds. Since I have been sore and tender but emotionally I'm fine. It's almost like I was living a nightmare and finally woke up, of course close family and friends are waiting for the breakdown but I don't foresee it happening. My baby was chosen to be an angel so it never made it to earth or was mine to begin with.

    1 agrees
    • I also allowed mines to happen naturally. No painkillers. A few moments where I felt like just going to the hospital because the pain was so unbearable but I stuck it out kept telling myself if I still felt bad in 2 minutes I would go and keep telling myself that lie lol. I felt like I accomplished something I felt a bit proud of myself to be honest. 🙂

  43. I am going through a miscarriage right now, after TTC with my husband for a year and some change, going on fertility drugs then going off them, i was in complete shock when i found out I was pregnant because we weren't actively trying. I was taking diet pills, working out like a maniac and eating the absolute minimum because we had just decided to dedicate ourselves to fitness and each other. So again shock and awe hit when I saw the multiple pregnancy tests come up positive. It was short lived joy (as my female intuition was having me think from the get go, well with all the diet drugs in my system) I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant and at 6 weeeks i found out i was miscarrying(and still am hcg is at 54 now and going dow) I was angry sad and confused the weekend I found out, but after prayer and googling stories and coming across this one it hit me like a ton of bricks, i'm okay with this because at least i know (without fertility drugs) that my body knows how to get pregnant. It is just a matter of getting pregnant again and staying pregnant. I believe now more than ever surprisingly that it will happen for me, and that this time for whatever reason just wasn't right. I'm turning over a new leaf of positivity. I can't wait to go thru a full term pregnancy with a healthy baby, until that time I will rest easy in knowing it's possible and that I'm not alone and that there are amazing women like myself who are picking theirselves up by the boot straps and carrying on (i'm in the military sorry) and sorry for the typos…but thank you for this post, it just put my heart at ease and gave me so much comfort. May the good Lord bless you all 🙂

    1 agrees
  44. I know this post is old & the thread has been quiet for ages, but I wanted to share my thanks. I originally came across this post long before my husband and I were trying to conceive. I began to miscarry yesterday at 7 weeks into our first pregnancy. I have had some quiet moments of sadness, but overall have been surprisingly at peace with the process. Today I remembered this post and came back to it. I have found a lot of comfort in the stories everyone has shared here. Knowing I am not alone, and that miscarriage is a real and normal (1 in 4) part reproduction, makes this process feel less isolating. I know I will be OK. So, thank you.

    1 agrees
  45. I miscarried about 4 years ago at 8 weeks. The hardest part was it happened at work (at a daycare) and just in a bathroom stall. I had nightmares of and on for weeks because I had flushed my baby. But overall I was fine. I was trying to be angry because i thought that was what i was supposed to do. I had two coworkers that were pregnant the same time and they were the ones to bring me the flowers and candy from work, and i thought that was odd, but i would say i was "over it" in a few weeks.
    We go to doctors appointments now and I have to look up the date because it's not set in my mind anymore. I want to have another baby, but I know it'll happen when it happens. I believe I'll see that baby again in heaven, and I hope he isn't upset in how I've reacted. But I think my faith is why I'm OK?

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  47. You are not alone. I had 2 miscarriage, I must admit, I was sad on the day it happened and may be a little sadden for a week or so. I am quite a highly emotional person so I thought I would be devastated but in fact, I took the news relatively well. I have always thought, it's part of nature, it's a natural selection. I am now 13 weeks pregnant. The baby is fine. I suppose every women is different, as much as I can understand someone to be depressed after a miscarriage, it just wasn't the case for me.

  48. I've just miscarried and feel so much better, the foetus clearly wasn't compatible with my body and I felt awful. Itsounds bad because I know I have lost the opportunity of having a child but in so happy to have my body back to normal that I know it was clearly not the right time. It is not always meant to be and it happens so much more often than you realise!

  49. Thank you so much for this post Melissa! It might be an old one, but just what I needed to read today. Thank you for validating my feelings about my miscarriage, I was beginning to feel weird and abnormal about my attitude towards my miscarriage that happened 3 months ago.

  50. I'm also so glad to come across this. Also had a miscarriage 2 weeks ago and I feel fine. Sad moment here and there but not devastated or anything. It's not as though I can't try again. I feel bad to say I'm okay too since people expect me to be sadder I guess…

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