My dirty little secret

April 29 | Guest post by Hillary
By: tup wandersCC BY 2.0

I like sex. I liked it before my daughter was born, and I like it even more now that I'm a mom. I've heard other moms talk about how they have no interest in sex, and how they're so tired that it doesn't bother them. I've read about moms being "touched out" or having given so much to the baby that they can't imagine giving it to dad (I'm referring to dad, because I haven't heard anything AT ALL about the post-baby sex lives of lesbian moms or gay dads, but I would love to). I don't generally talk about this because I'm afraid other moms will feel bad. Sex is better now. I'm grateful that my experience has been different from the norm.

Bubba is a ball of contradictions, which I have always appreciated. He is a knitter with a black belt. A pediatric nurse. An incredibly sensitive man with a crass sense of humor. But the sexiest thing my honey ever did is become a dad.

I think the shift in our sex life happened when I was in labor. Labor was the most intense experience I have ever had, and he was there for me, supporting me, encouraging me, and believing in me. When our daughter Aspen was born, I was not the one with tears streaming down my face, it was him. After Aspen was born, I really knew there was nothing I couldn't trust him with. We truly shared her birth.

Hillary and Bubba laboring together

In the first few weeks of Aspen's life, we made out like teenagers while the baby was asleep. During pregnancy, I had looked forward to the second trimester, an increase in energy and a revival in my sex drive, but, sadly that never happened. This more than made up for it. I was horny like I hadn't been in a looong time. Intercourse was off the table due to a 3rd degree tear, but we were creative while she slept, and we laughed when she woke up and interrupted us.

Looking back, I'm sure those raging hormones designed to make me love my baby influenced how I felt about Bubba in those first few weeks. But it was fun and wonderful, and I loved it and him.

We all know that giving birth changes your body. Some changes I expected, and some not so much. I think giving birth triggered something for me physically as well. I used to require time to reach orgasm. I mean TIME. Since Aspen's birth, it's much faster than before, and I've even had some wet dreams.

I was scared to have sex the first time. The first few times. But we took it really slow, and I focused on relaxing, and it was such a relief to feel able to freely express myself sexually with Bubba again without worrying. I swear I still feel my perineum differently, and that when the weather is bad, it kind of aches a little, the way old-timer's bones do.

It's been almost 8 months now, and I'm not saying it's on for us all the time. It's not. We each work 3 days a week, and we're not doing daycare, so we have one day each week we're together as a family. At night, we have the usual demands of those who have a baby: dinner, cleaning up, laundry, and finding time for ourselves and each other. But when we do get it on, it's better, easier and more connected than ever before.

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  1. Sex before my daughter was good but always a bit painful. I use to be prone to yeast infections and be very sensitive down there BUT now everything has changed. I had a great sex drive while preggos and it didn't stop there. Yeah life isn't always perfect and we can't get it on every night. Hello I have a two year old and work full time life can wear you out but sex doesn't hurt anymore. No more infections. It feels better than ever and we are more open and have more fun. We have what we call ninja sex while she's busy playing in her room. It's a great time and I'm thankful it turned out that way for us. I know how hard it is for mothers that don't get as lucky. I have friends going through it now, and it sucks. I'm thankful that he's so sexy to me and that we have a good time. I'm a worry wart but something I learned is if you think about what you want you'll get it. When things get hot I think about how hot they could be and I'm always satisfied. Sometimes I feel like it's naugthy to be that kind of mommy but oh well.

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  2. Hillary, I'm very encouraged by this… thanks for sharing and putting yourself out there!

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    • Well, actually we only deedcid on a name a month or two before I gave birth and we had no one in our surroundings that were giving birth around the same time. I did notice that telling people your choice of names causes all sorts of drama so maybe for that part we might keep it secret for baby 2. not sure.We did have 'names we liked' and people stole those… but now that I think back, I wouldn't of named my child that anyway. Too common (now)

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  3. I'm in my 3rd trimester, first time mom. And I've read about other mom's not wanting or liking sex. I've too felt a bit shy about my own sex drive, it's like whoa, I'm naughty. I've wondered how it will change after the baby is born, your post is very encouraging and helps me realize I don't need to be ashamed of my libido.

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  4. It took me almost a year after my baby was born to get my sex drive back. I had a big ol' episiotomy & stitches and even after it healed I had a lot of pain with intercourse (and yes, we went slow, used lube, etc.) for probably 7 months. That sucked.

    On top of that it really seemed to be a hormone thing. Even after the pain ceased to be a factor I just didn't feel horny like I used to. Once I stopped breastfeeding though, my sex drive went back to normal (yay!). So I guess my point is, even if you don't get your sex drive back right away, don't despair!

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  5. Oh, man. I'm soooo grateful for my sex-positive upbringing and I try to raise my kids the same way.

    Commitment is hot. Parenting is arguably the most intimate experience we engage in. I work and exhaustion does factor in. I look at quality instead of quantity and creative hookups.

    I loved the book mentioned above and Heidi Raykeil also wrote "Love in the Time of Colic" with Ian Kerner. Kerner is author of "She Comes First" which is a must-have Father's Day gift if your guy could use a few tips. (It's the gift that keeps on giving, girls). The sex has to be good. If it's crappy under-pressure sex, who the hell wants lots more of that?

    One of my realizations with "Love in the Time of Colic" is how sucky "Date Night" is for sex and libido sometimes. Like – MUST SEE SHOW. MUST MAKE RESERVATIONS. QUICK! MUST ENJOY TIME AWAY FROM KIDS, IMMEDIATELY. We decided: Screw it (no pun). Last couple times we deliberately had no plan. We eded up at a sex shop (Babeland), bought a new toy, ate some thai food and walked across Capitol Hill to the chocolate shop. THEN the hot sex. Fun, intimate, and I get to remember why I love him.

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  6. tehe. I love the word naughty, it makes me giggle like a little school girl!

    It's so nice to hear some positive stories about sex! Everyone around me just keeps telling me their horror sex life stories. The thing is, it doesn't scare me, it just makes me feel bad that they are so dissatisfied with their lives and they feel the need to make me dissatisfied before I even get (or don't get) to that point!

    I haven't had my baby yet, but I can totally see how going through labor will make me closer to my man. I can honestly say that I don't have sex as much because I'm constantly exhausted, BUT I feel about 100 times closer to my man. There's something about being pregnant and not feeling comfortable in my body that completely changes during sex. So much trust and acceptance, and LOVE goes into it. It makes me feel beautiful and sexy. I know that will continue on after I give birth as well.

    Thank you for your dirty little secret! tehe

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  7. Weirdly enough, I JUST had this conversation with, of all people, my grandmother. She has been assailing me with the "why aren't you pregnant yet" guilt trip, but one thing that came up is the sex drive/sex life post babies. She told me she was "hotter than a pot on the stove" (she said this in spanish soit's like a weird metaphor/idiom)through all 6 of her pregnancies and the only time she didn't rev right back up after a birth was when she tore with my second uncle, and that was only because she was in severe pain from an infection. Even still, she said she found my grandfather to be super sexy as a dad and she only wanted him more and more everytime they had another baby!!
    She also said that the only thing stopping you from having good sex is your own mind and your openness with your partner. It was a weird, but wonderful conversation that I'll treasure. It's a sex positive outlook from a 67 year old grandma that everyone should share.

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  8. I actually had a very similar experience. My post baby libido is way better than before, and I'm so grateful.

    Btw, Love love love your daughter's name!

  9. I think my boyfriend's sex drive actually increased after we had our baby. We always had a very active sex life before the birth and during the pregnancy (right up until the night before my waters went!) and I was ready to jump his bones again about a fortnight after the birth. He was ready about 2 days after the birth but we indulged in a bit of "manual labour" until the wounds were healed! These days I am exhausted, and I do forget about sex but I make sure we make time for it and enjoy it. Yes, I'm self concious about my mama body and yes, it's not always first thing on my mind but my fella finds me so sexy as a mama and says he is attracted to me even more now as I bare the scars of commiting myself to having his child.

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    • I love hearing about all the good guys out there! we always get such a negative image of husbands/partners on tv and what not. It's a shame. My man is great and sweet and seh-xy! WOO!

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  10. Amen sista'! After having my son my partner and I were like teenagers. Of course we had to wait the 8 weeks after our sons birth to have an extreme roll in the hay due to 21 stitches…. but WOW. After that 8 week period or sex life has been amazing. We are going on 22 months of parenthood and our lives together have grown in ways I would have never expected. Its great to hear that other ladies have had the same experiences!

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  11. Thanks for posting this! I'm six months pregnant today and was beginning to think that the rest of my life might be like these past months of pregnancy – too tired for sex, not interested in sex, and when I'm actually game, it hurts!? Maybe it won't be like this forever. Your post gives me hope!

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  12. I love this!!!
    I just started my second trimester and we've been going at it like sex is going out of style. Plus, it seems to help with the morning sickness which is SUPER AWESOME!!!
    I feel kind sometimes though or dirty like we shouldn't be having sex while there is a someone growing inside me.

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  13. I LOVE that I stumbled upon this blog and that you were so open about your sex life! In the first year of our daughters life, we had sex 4 times, (yes you read that right) I decided to get my IUD taken out the day before her first birthday and my sex drive totally returned! Also? I still feel my perineum too… whats that about?

    It's also nice to see that I'm not the only one who refuses daycare! We have the same schedule as you, both work 2 jobs and have Fridays off together as a family! 😉 Great post!

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  14. I don't have kids, but welcome to my life. I'm the only non-virgin out of my close friends and I haave NO ONE to talk to about how great banging is. The fact my friends haven't had the same experiences and the fact that so many of them don't share my sex-positive outlook makes me feel bad sometimes for not only loving sex, and loving to be open about sex, but that I like naughty rough sex. I'm so glad to hear there are other ladies out there who can't get enough of their men.

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  15. I absolutely love this post.

    "But the sexiest thing my honey ever did is become a dad."

    Amen to that. Our sex life has become amazing since we had the baby. I feel so bad telling people this because I know too many mamas suffer from no sex drive after birth.

    Great post. 🙂

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  16. Thank you so much for this post! My partner and I don't have kids yet, but the majority of friends with kids have all given us the "Yooooou'lll seeeeeeee". We've been told numerous times that sex just dies after kids, that you'll never have time, won't feel sexy, will be too exhausted, will come to hate the demand on what could otherwise be 'you' time … it's enough to freak me out a bit sometimes!

    I was feeling guilty that I can't see us getting to that point; we have sex a lot more than most of the other couples I know already. Here's hoping (uncontrolled variables aside) that we're just as hot for each other afterwards – if not more! 🙂

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  17. What a fantastic post. I'm about 2 weeks from my due date and me and husband are really trying to take advantage of this last little bit of "us" time. I have been so discouraged to hear so many women say things like "you'll never want to have sex" or that we'll never have time for each other. I find it sad…i needed this! thank you :o)

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  18. Our son is 3wk old and I totally relate to "making out like teenagers." =) My hubby and I can't wait until the 6wks post labor waiting period is over!

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  19. My husband and I have been married 5 years we had our son 3 years into our marriage. Before our Kyle we had sex every day sometimes 6-7 times a day (with a monthly exception). Hey we were young and completely infatuated with one and other. Kyle was an accident but the best kind. We slowed down for about four months after Kyle was born then it was on like Donkey Kong. Kyle is two now and we have added Linux our beautiful baby girl (named after the operating system yes we’re nerds). She is three months. It has been hard to find time, but we make it a point to make time to fluff our pillows every day if you get my drift. I have always felt that a active healthy sex life is a vital part in a marriage. Then factoring in the fact we are both kind of nypho’s helps.

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