6 not-at-all-sexy things to do to have more sex in a relationship

February 14 | Guest post by Lauren
"Have more sex" throw pillow from Etsy seller KaliLaineDesigns

My sex drive has been at the centre of a few arguments and tears in the past little while. Right now, even if we wanted to do it more often, our weeks are so busy we don't even have the time! But here's what helped us have more sex in a relationship, even when we're super-busy…

1. I changed birth control

This may not apply to everyone, but in case it does… I found my pills were making me feel like a robot. Six attempts later, I settled on Yaz which made me feel the most normal. I've been off of my pills for a while now (same reason as you, good luck!), so my drive has kickstarted.

2. Make a daily reminder somewhere to think sexy thoughts about each other

I made a reminder in my Outlook at work to use any spare time to think sexy things about my husband. This helps put me in the mood for later.

3. Try new things

I'm not the experimenting type (I tend to laugh and not take it seriously or get embarrassed), but I have done new things at my own pace. We have found new things that keep it interesting — whether that's a new lube (the Yours and Mine from KY is very good), or a fun new prop/toy — it can definitely help.

4. Make a schedule

Yes this sounds totally lame, and it kind of is. But if you're in a real funk like I was. Sometimes forcing it can help regain a rhythm. My husband and I designated specific days for fun time, and then before we knew it…we were doing it more often.

5. Switch up the time of day

This REALLY helped us. I found I was more in the mood in the mornings, whereas he was in the mood… well… whenever. We started going at it in the mornings more (sexy wake up call anyone?) and that really helped jump-start things.

6. No pressure

Try not to think about why or how often you are doing it. Doing so will make you feel worse about it. I know I cried many times because I wasn't being "satisfactory" even though my husband didn't mind. If you beat yourself up about it, it'll make things worse.

So relax and take things slowly. Loudly proclaim to the other partner you're "just not feeling it" that day, if it's really feeling like a bother. Try and do things you did together when you first starting seeing each other to try to rekindle that feeling that made you go at it like bunnies.

Since it's Valentine's Day, let's talk about the unexpected things you or your partner does to have more sex in your relationship…

Join our community!

    • To All you who are having sexual challenges , don't lose faith in your partner.Sometime life just needs a time out. Work, illness even undiagnosed, family , parents , sports and TV , Facebook or any of that type of media can remove you from the most enjoyable part of life.
      I was married to a wonderful man for 43 years . The last 20 were sexless . As his health declined even holding hand could be painful for him .But we loved each other and cried often for our loss. Eventually he died and my world stopped . I felt I had lost everything . I married again a year and a half just to have someone by my side , sad mistake and costly .I got out of it and now will marry a wonderful , loving and caring man . So my sex life is not exactly what he can fully provide but we are changing diet , attitude and removing estrogen out of his system and he has has a blood test for testosterone so we shall see . But at 75 I'm completely happy . So keep your loved one and be faithful to each other and just work on the challenge . No blaming or shaming on either side . Love will endure .

      7 agree
      • Thanks for this. I'm to be married to a wonderful man, who is very patient and understanding, and never pressures me about sex. But I have Chronic Fatigue, worsening since the year after we met, and our relationship is basically sexless now (I have no sex drive, and am too tired after spending what little energy I have on necessary things, like keeping a grip on my day job- which I fear makes him feel like a lower priority in my life than he is). I think he resents it, although he'd never say so, because he's considerate of my own frustrations about this. However, no one else I know is living happily in a sexless relationship- so hearing that it can happen gives me hope.

    • Try your days off together and make use of the afternoon

      Respectfully Marie Bercier B.Msc.
      I expect to pass through this world but once, Any good therefore that I can do, or any kindness I can show to any fellow being or creature let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it for I shall not pass their way again. Thank you for letting me spend a little time in your company. By Stephen Gelette

  1. My recommendation: romance novels! Whether or not the book has actual sexy times in it, there is almost always sexual tension. Those feelings tend to 'build up' in the reader as well as the characters and are great for getting in the mood.

    And for those who are wary, the romance novel genre has changed quite a bit since the days of Fabio and damsels in distress. There are female/female books, male/male books, transgender, queer and asexual books, and people of color. There is also every kind of book within the romance genre: contemporary, historical, paranormal, fantasy, suspense, inspirational, etc. There are a ton of ebooks and websites to recommend books and alert you to sales. My favorite is http://smartbitchestrashybooks.com/.
    Happy Reading!

    2 agree
    • Fanfiction is about 80% porn.
      Just saying…

      Varying levels of writing, depending on the author from horrible pre-teen crap written on i-phones to full stories with plot and character development and feels.

      I like the tag search options on Archive of our Own. And when I find a good author, I will devour all they've done, even in fandoms I am less familiar with. You don't need to get every insider Sherlock trivia nugget to enjoy hot banging…

      2 agree
      • Fan Diction is amazing and far more diverse and varied than pretty much anything you'll find officially/traditionally published.

  2. We had our first baby a few months ago. The kid is wonderful, awesome and loved…but to start with he needed one of us to be present to sleep and woke up all the time (literally, I could feed him to sleep lying down in bed, and he'd seem to be out cold, but if I left he'd be awake within ten minutes). He's also a pretty light sleeper, so too much movement nearby and…hello! My husband and I instigated a "10 minute" rule – we'd always hold each other for at least ten minutes a day. Sometimes that ten minutes was the last ten minutes of the day whilst I was feeding our son in bed, and my husband had to spoon me at the same time. Sometimes I was watching the clock for when I could go to sleep. But still, we did it. It helped to keep us both from feeling like our own physical needs weren't being met. Now he sleeps a little deeper he normally sleeps in hour long stints so we can occasionally slip off to another room 🙂 (when we have the energy that is, he still wakes up most hours at night).

    4 agree
  3. Hopping into the "no pressure" train, I think that you need to remember sex does not need to end in two simultaneous screaming O's. If one partner orgasms before the other, it does not mean the other rolls over and falls asleep frustrated. It doesn't have to instantly be the end of all things, get creative people! Also in this mindset, sometimes the mental hurdle of orgasm seems unattainable. And occasionnally, that's okay. If you're not really feeling it, maybe you can still do stuff for/with your partner without focusing on the big finish. And maybe along the way, you will surprise yourself by getting into it.

    One thing that really helps is a "keep your undies on" out. There is more to sex than in and out penetration. Maybe you are a man who gets erectile difficulties. Maybe you are a woman who feels gross on her period. Maybe you get gender dysphoria and there are days when your parts feel wrong and icky and you can't even bear to deal with them, much less have someone touching them. It does not mean sex is out the window. Sex is about giving and receiving and closeness and laughing and togetherness. A panty out makes it clear to both partners that you can still do other things but you are not comfortable with your genitals fondled. Communication is key in sex. I mean obviously, if you never want your bits touched, then you have deeper issues. But once in a while, it can be very comforting and empowering to know you are on the same page. And don't just wear ratty gross undies. Feel beautiful and sexy in a nice pair and get creative with your partner.

    7 agree

Join the conversation

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

No-drama comment policy

Part of what makes the Offbeat Empire different is our commitment to civil, constructive commenting. Make sure you're familiar with our no-drama comment policy.