I'm an autistic woman married to a neuro-typical man: Here's how we make it work

May 10 | Guest post by Minerva Siegel
Minerva and Matt being adorable.
Minerva and Matt being adorable. Photo by Cayan Ashley Photography

I have high-functioning autism. As a kid, I had a speech impediment, I did the whole "stimming" thing, I was completely anti-social, prone to tantrums resulting from being over-stimulated by lights, sounds and any kind of commotion, and, as a cherry on top, I have a learning disability. I also have such severe ADHD that I can't make new short-term memories when I'm not on medication. My parents and doctors never thought I'd live a typical, independent life.

I've proven them all wrong, though. Through years of therapies and medication combinations, I found what works for me and was able to grow out of my stimming habits, speech problems, and I was able to learn what's socially expected of me in certain situations. I've learned to mimic socially-normative actions and mannerisms so completely that people who don't know me well are shocked to find out that I have autism.

I still deal with the tantrums that come from overstimulation, control issues, anxiety, my learning disability and ADHD. Despite all this, I was able to have successful careers as a dog groomer and café manager, and — more impressively, I think — I found the love of my life, and he asked me to marry him.

I'm married to a neuro-typical ("normal") husband with no psychological issues whatsoever, and no prior experience at all in dealing with people with psychological problems.

People ask us all the time how we work; how does an autistic woman have a successful and happy marriage with a neuro-typical man?

Patience

Our relationship works so well because of Max's patience, flexibility, stability, and compassion. My ability to communicate my needs is also crucial to the health of our relationship, and I show him how much I appreciate and love him by taking care of him and his needs, too.

Max does get frustrated with me, I'll admit it. He's very logical, practical, and stable. And while he says the idiosyncrasies that come with my autism are "interesting" and that they keep him on his toes, I know he's annoyed with me regularly. I don't think, or problem-solve, in typical ways. When faced with a problem, I never think of the most logical, normal solution first; I come up with a solution all my own. However, he's very patient with me and allows me to figure things out in my own way, and that's a big part of why we work together.

Awareness

I'm very self-aware, which I think is why our marriage works so well. I'm able to communicate to him when I'm feeling anxious and out of control, and what I need him to do for me to make me feel better.

For instance, if we venture out to the mall and it's really busy and I'm starting to feel overwhelmed, I'll just say, "Max, I'm not doing well here — we need to leave or go sit quietly somewhere for a while." And he knows how important it is that we do that right then to avoid a huge panic attack and meltdown. After I have time to collect myself and bring my anxiety levels down, we can continue on with our day.

Knowing what to do when things go wrong

If it does reach the point where I have a panic attack/tantrum, Max knows what to do: he gets me a Valium, takes me to a quiet, preferably dark place if we're somewhere loud and busy, and just gives me time and space to calm down. He doesn't hold it against me; he knows I can't control it, and he never makes me feel ashamed or embarrassed about it. He just sees it as one of my quirks, and something he has to deal with if he wants to be with me.

autism and relationships

Dating

One of the most crucial parts of maintaining our relationship, though, is simple: dating. He still takes me on dates regularly, and we fall in love with each other all over again every time. Whether it's just getting coffee or a couple drinks, or something more elaborate like a day trip to Chicago for sight-seeing, dating keeps our relationship fresh and alive.

Consistently making a conscious effort to stay so in love with each other makes dealing with my autism easier. This helps me to trust him and feel more secure in our relationship, which leads to less meltdowns and tantrums. It also keeps him loving me and willing to put up with all the challenges that come with my autism.

Taking care of each other

I'm a housewife now; Max has a great job with killer benefits, and there's no need for me to work, so I don't. This is where my contributions to the relationship come in! I take care of him. I encourage him, support him — I'm his biggest cheerleader. I cook and clean for him, take care of our dogs, and I do everything I possibly can to make his time at home relaxing and stress-free.

He tells me all the time how much he adores me and appreciates what I do for him. We also work so well because I make conscious efforts to show him how appreciative I am of all that he does for me.

Taking care of yourself

Any good relationship takes work, really, but I continue to work on my own issues in therapy, and will be on medication to help manage my mental problems for the rest of my life. Max says he takes comfort in knowing that I'm always making an effort to improve and control myself more. He knows I don't have anxiety and meltdowns by choice; he understands that my brain is just physically, chemically different and that it makes me behave and think differently.

married and autistic

Being with a partner who has autism is hard work, but having a successful and happy relationship is so possible. Autistic people need stability, compassion, and patience, and they have so much love and kindness to offer in return. Autistic people have so many unique gifts and so much love to give, and we're completely capable of being supportive partners in romantic relationships as long as our partners are flexible with us and open to our needs. Being on the autistic spectrum isn't an automatic love life death sentence, and my beautiful, happy relationship with my husband is proof of that.

Join our community!

  1. Absolutely awesome!!! This gave me great hope on so many levels! Thank you and God bless!

    4 agree
  2. Thank you for posting and writing! I am a teacher and I have had a few autistic students over the years (high functioning as I teach in a comprehensive classroom), I'm so thrilled to hear that not only have you defied what your doctors expected of you, but that you were able to find a partner that jived with your needs.

    A lot of people don't give the autistic students I have any credit, or aren't very compassionate to their needs or different views.

    Just… thanks for sharing your perspective.

    11 agree
  3. This is so wonderful! I'm so happy for you guys and may I say that your photos are just too adorable for words! I also think this is a great article that gives hope to those suffering from both mental or physical illness.
    I suffer from chronic migraines and over our years together my husband has learned to read the signs. He can see when one is coming on from the way I blink and squinch my forehead up. My migraines have interfered with a lot of plans over the years and we've missed out on concerts, movies, family / friend gatherings, or just trips to the grocery store. He's had to leave work early to come home and take care of me when I'm incapable of standing up on my own. I'm constantly amazed at how he's never upset when we miss something due to a migraine. In past relationships I was accused of faking migraines to get out of things or to try to control my significant other. I'm so fortunate that my husband realizes that this is not something I have control over. I do my best to avoid triggers and treat them quickly when they happen, but there's only so much I can do. He gets that and "…takes care of me when I have a headache" was even in our wedding vows!

    4 agree
  4. I'm an autistic woman too, married to an autistic man. My mom is neurotypical and my dad is autistic and it always kind of is strange to me, like if alien species were dating each other. My husband is the first person i met who felt like his brain was even vaguely similar to mine

    5 agree
  5. Lovely! I am Neurotypical (as far as I know, though I do have anxiety, OCD, and depression) and my partner is on the spectrum. Together we are raising a son who is also autistic. I've learnt to take a different approach to our life, as my son and partner have different needs than I do. Once I got down the list and routine of "what works best" – it's been amazing, and as easy as breathing. Never once has it felt like a burden – Ive always gotten as much out of my relationship as Ive put into it. To be honest, our only challenge as a family is dealing with those who don't "get" us. Extended family, doctors, teachers – etc. The outside world has a lot of preconceived notions about autism, and the world definately wasn't build with autistic brains in mind. So, navigating that world with them has been frustrating. Attending events where there's overtly loud music for no good reason, and everyone's screaming their conversations over the music – and all I can think is "why have music if no one's dancing – if you want your guests to have conversations, turn it down?!?" – and having to leave early. Having friends and family be harsh and judgmental when we turn down invitations to go to parties, BBQ'S, weddings and festivals. Things like that – Those are hard. Not because we didn't get to go – but because people don't understand why we can't go, and they judge us for it. My relationship isn't always easy – my partner has very rigid interests, and he can get distracted very easily. However, I have anxiety attacks that prevent me from finishing our grocery shop and I cry (usually in public) when I see a pug so…. I tend to think that everyone's got big handfuls of quirks they bring into a relationship and 'making it work' is less about trying to fix them and more about embracing them. Love eachother for exactly who you are – find what works for you, and run with it!

    5 agree
  6. Late responding to this, but I'm on the other side. My husband is high functioning. Our marriage was on the rocks until he was diagnosed. I couldn't understand why he acted the way he did, and he couldn't understand why I was frustrated all the time. His diagnosis saved our marriage. I spent a lot of time learning about the spectrum and talking to him about WHY he was doing the things he did. Since our needs are so different, and aren't always obvious to each other, we've learned to very clearly communicate. I can't expect him to grok what I want or need, so I have to specifically spell it out and he's responsible for making sure to tell me what he needs and wants.

Join the conversation

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

No-drama comment policy

Part of what makes the Offbeat Empire different is our commitment to civil, constructive commenting. Make sure you're familiar with our no-drama comment policy.